Ask Ivana: January 2002

I've been married for over 20 years to a man I never loved; I only thought he would be a good provider. I was miserable for a long time because he used to have a bad temper and party too much. In the past few years, however, he has completely changed -- he is now as kind, mature, and responsible as anyone. In the meantime, I've fallen completely in love with another man. I feel terrible about it, as my husband now bends over backwards to please me. How do I tell my husband I want to leave him?
- Guilty in Albuquerque

Dear Guilty,
As they say, "good men are hard to find," and you have one now. Your original motivation for marrying your husband shows your selfish, calculating nature regarding the decisions you've made and your commitment to marriage. If you're really in love with this other man and sure he really wants you, then you have to come clean with your husband. Maybe you'll have to separate for a while, but stop living a double life and pretending. Be honest!

My wife and I have been married for five years. During our marriage, she would always run away from our problems to hang out with her friends from work. She has wanted a divorce for several months, but she hasn't taken the initiative to do anything about it. She has been staying at her parents' house and sometimes phones me to talk, but she adamantly refuses to discuss the issues that started our separation, such as our disagreements about money and whether or not to have a child. Should I file the divorce papers myself, or try harder to get our problems out in the open? I'd like to save the marriage if it's at all possible.
- Frustrated in Atlanta

Dear Frustrated,
Obviously, your wife doesn't like confrontation. On the other hand, you don't appear to like confrontation either, and perhaps this is why your wife feels more secure and open talking to her friends and family. I suggest that you try to speak to one of the friends or family members in whom she confides. Chances are that she has told them all the facts about what's really bothering her deep down inside about your marriage. This way, you'll get an idea that you can work with. A consultation with a marriage counselor would be beneficial. If all else fails, let her file for divorce; that's what she asked for in the first place. At least you'll have tried.

Last year, I fell madly in love with a man I thought was my soulmate. He told me every day how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. Then he started drinking heavily and disappearing for days at a time. I found out he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend, and I broke up with him. Six months later, he has shown up sober, showering me with roses, presents, and letters. He has offered to marry me tomorrow if I want. I have turned him down, but I always wonder whether I did the right thing -- maybe I could have helped him change his ways. What do you think?
- Soulmate in Washington

Dear Soulmate,
It is not an easy decision to make, but if this man is genuinely trying to sort out his life, it's hard to turn your back on him, especially when you love one another. Perhaps, during his absence, he joined a program for his addiction and is now sober. If this is so, there is no reason why you cannot go out with him and have a good time. The idea of marriage should, however, be put on hold until you see how things work out and if he has genuinely reformed. You have to bear in mind, of course, that while you may be able to influence and encourage him, you won't change him! Only he can change himself.

My husband committed adultery, and I divorced him last year. I won child custody of our two boys, and we started putting our lives back together. My ex moved in with his drug-addict girlfriend, and we saw very little of him. Then I met a wonderful man whom my boys love as much as I do, and he moved in with us. My ex then used this fact against me in court and now has custody of our kids -- and I have to pay him child support, which he uses to pay down his debts and on his girlfriend. How do I get my kids back? This old-fashioned judge has taken kids away from good moms many times before -- it's a man's world here in the southern US.
- Stuck in South Carolina

Dear Stuck,
There must be something missing in your story, because it seems very strange to me that any judge would deny child custody to a mother just because she cohabited with another man after a divorce. You are single and there is absolutely no law to say that you cannot take another partner. You are entitled to move on with your life -- provided, of course, that it is for the well being of you and your children. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I would tell you to contact a different lawyer and fight for your kids.

At 55 years old, I'm facing my second divorce. I have been married for 20 years to a man ten years my junior. I have been the primary wage earner for the whole marriage, and he has put us into bankruptcy once already. I'm worried that he will declare bankruptcy again and I'll be left stuck with all the debts that he racked up in "our" names. Do you have any advice?
- Financial Mess in Chicago

Dear Financial Mess,
I don't believe that your husband can declare bankruptcy in "both names" without your permission. However, at this time you are both equally responsible for any and all debts incurred in both names during your marriage. My advice to you is to consult a good bankruptcy attorney immediately who will give you the professional advice you need as to how to protect yourself, your finances and your future. At the same time, find yourself a good divorce attorney as well who will guide you through the process. Good luck!