Ask Ivana: March 2002

My wife of two years has a male, single friend whom she's known longer than me. She likes to "hang out" with him a lot, at his place as well as in public. He comes to our house occasionally as well, both when I'm there and when I'm not. I've asked her many times if there's anything going on, and she always swears they're just "buddies" and nothing more. Yet she spends almost as much time with him as she does with me. Am I just being paranoid or over-possessive, or am I right to be wary?
- Suspicious in Syracuse

Dear Suspicious,
I have several wonderful male friends with whom I've stayed in contact over the years. When I was married, I'd have lunch or dinner with them regularly, especially when my husband was otherwise occupied. Marriage doesn't necessarily mean that you must relinquish all social contact with the opposite sex. If you firmly believe that your wife and her friend are not just "buddies", there are plenty of ways to find out if you're right. Meanwhile, ask yourself: whom did she marry? And who shares her bed at night?

I've filed for divorce against my husband of seven years. He has generally treated me well and been a good father to our two children. Several months ago, however, he confessed he "might" be gay and has "experimented" with affairs with a few men. He also has a few disturbing, secret fetishes that I discovered by accident. Since I filed, he has sincerely begged me to take him back: he has decided he's not gay and that I shouldn't take his odd sexual deviations seriously. But I feel like he's a total stranger to me now. Should I learn to accept and trust him, or move on?
- Shocked in South Dakota

Dear Shocked,
Everyone deserves a second chance. If you truly love your husband -- and considering how good you say he has been to your children -- maybe you can try reconciliation. Personally, I'm from "the old school"; in my books, when the trust is broken, the relationship is over. Your husband has been unfaithful and, to top it all, with another man. This is definitely a hard pill to swallow. Nevertheless, if you feel you can overlook the past and move on with your lives together, I wish you well. But before you make that decision, make sure your husband shows you a clean bill of health. Forewarned is forearmed: you must be very careful today, with all the different sexually transmitted diseases out there!

I've never considered myself a shallow person until now. My wife and I have been married for nearly 10 years. Shortly after our wedding, she rapidly started gaining weight and never stopped. Now I have absolutely no physical attraction to her and am even embarrassed to be seen with her in public. She knows how I feel about the weight issue but has never done anything about it, even when I offered to help. I can't stand to be with her anymore, but I'd die of guilt if I left her. I feel like a jerk for feeling this way, but I also wonder if I'm wasting my life with her. What should I do?
- Trapped in Tallahassee

Dear Trapped,
You have quite a dilemma on your hands, and I can sympathize with you. If your wife's obesity were health-related, then it would be a different story and I'd be inclined to stick with the words, "in sickness and in health". But as this isn't the case, I can only suggest that you tell your wife exactly how you feel about her appearance. Let her know that you won't sit around watching her destroy what was once a beautiful body. This might motivate her into seeking professional help. If she cares enough about you and your marriage, she'll definitely put in an effort. I know most women would. If she still doesn't do anything about the weight issue, then at least you'll have given her and your marriage a chance, and I guess you'll have to move on.

I'm engaged to a guy whom I've been seeing for several years. I foolishly decided to fool around a little before getting married, and I ended up falling hopelessly in love with another man. I want to call the wedding off, but this is extremely complicated: his family and my own have become very close friends. The wedding date is set; big plans are being made; everybody has high expectations! How do I get out of this one?
- In A Pickle in Winnipeg

Dear In a Pickle,
If you go ahead with your wedding plans while you're in love with another man, you're just heading for disaster and, consequently, a divorce. So why not spare yourself this burden and expense? Be truthful with your fiance, his family, and yours: tell them you've fallen in love with another man and you can't go through with a wedding under such circumstances. It won't be easy, but at least you will have done the right thing by everybody. Obviously, you're not ready for marriage, and when you are, it should be with the man you love.