Ask Ivana: October 2002

Who is entitled to the wedding and engagement rings in the case of divorce? My wife had an affair and left me, and I think she should return the rings. What do you think?
- Mad in Miami

Dear Mad,
In olden days, when our traditions were first formed, the rings were given by the groom to a bride as tokens of his love. They were also economic exchanges for the dowry the future bride was bringing into the marriage. The tradition is that the woman keeps the rings, for economic survival. If you want them that badly, and you can persuade your ex-wife to return them, good luck. Otherwise, the woman really does get to keep the rings.

I am still in love with my ex-husband, but I have been living with my boyfriend for the past nine months. I want to get back together with my ex -- I feel like I can't live without him. But I'm afraid to give up my boyfriend in case I can't reconcile with my ex. What should I do?
- Scared in Detroit

Dear Scared,
Seek professional help. You don't say how long your marriage was, but you're behaving like a teenager. "I want this boy...no, I want my ex-husband, but before I dump my boyfriend, I need to find out if my ex-husband will take me back." It's not possible to have your cake and eat it too. This is a chance you have to take and a decision only you can make. Meanwhile, you need to grow up and get your life back on track. I hope you find happiness ahead if you manage to work your way through this one morass.

My husband filed for divorce six months ago but is still living in the family home and refuses to move out. My lawyer advises me to stay put in the home with the kids, but it is killing me to watch him go away with his girlfriend every weekend while I carry on working full-time, doing the shopping, taking care of the kids, and so on. I want to go and find an apartment on my own so that I, too, can have a new life, but my lawyer says it would jeopardize my settlement. What should I do?
- Sad and Angry in Toronto

Dear Sad and Angry,
Follow your lawyer's advice -- he is your best counselor. You want to get as much out of this marriage for you and your children as you have put into it over the years. I know you must be heartbroken and angry at the way your ex is behaving with his girlfriend, but that is no reason for you to squander your future. Turn a blind eye, don't worry about what he's up to, and find something positive for you and your children to focus on. As I said in my book about divorce, the best is yet to come!

I am 12 years old. My parents are always fighting. I don't really want them to divorce because I know they can work it out, but right now I think it would be better for them and for me if they split up. I've tried to tell them how upset I am by their fighting, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. What should I do?
- Sad Daughter in Long Island

Dear Sad Daughter,
Unfortunately, there are really only two people in a marriage, no matter how many people there may be in a family. Your mother and father sound as if they should be separating, but none of us can make this decision for them. As you said, "they can work it out," so give them their chance to save their marriage. If they can't, they will eventually separate and go their own ways.