Login / Register | Select Category » Children and Parenting Issues » The "other woman" with MY kids!

Name: rollercoaster Member   Title: The "other woman" with MY kids!

My divorce has only been final for 6 months and my ex just remarried the woman he had an affair with. During our 18 month separation, he hardly saw the children, even tho he lived very close by. Now that he has remarried, he is insisting on his visitation rights and tries to keep the kids longer than is scheduled. He just had them for a week and instead of devoting time to rebuilding a relationship with them (boys 12 and 7), he goes to work and leaves the kids with the new wife whom the kids say they can't stand. She's driving my kids around town and I'm 3 miles away missing them like crazy!!! When I complain to my ex, he says "it's none of your business what the kids do when they're with me." They have totally different values than me, big partiers and loose discipline. I worry about the kids so much and feel enraged that some other woman is hanging out with my children!! I feel like I'm the one being punished and HE walked out on US - the kids and me. And SHE was sleeping with my husband while he was still living at home!!My hands are tied - I have to let the kids spend time with their father. The feelings are just SO overwhelming! Still so angry with him, can't stand the sight of her, and feel SO mad that I have to share my sweet boys with those losers!! I keep all this in in front of the kids, but it's eating me up inside. HELP! Does it ever get easier? Anyone had these feelings???

Name: pmcgee New Member

I also going through similar situation as you are in now. mistress my ex has been affair with after the our divorce he is now bring my son to meet her and her 3 children. makes me angry and betrayal and all things my son went through after he left us over his mistress. wondering how dare he do this to my son again. but nothing we can do. he will do whatever he wants to do. and all I have to do is tell my son. be a good man when he is older and be kind and loving and respectful person. I pray to god. will get over all this painful feelings. and move on with our lives. It will happen.

Name: eylbrown

I totally know where you're coming from. My ex is getting married to the mistress, both catholic school teachers working for the same division (ironic I know). He believes she is a great babysitting service and she looks after our son (11) so he can do what ever he wants to do. We have a 50/50 arrangement and I have always said that there is no reason for our son to not be with one of us at any time. I have said that if he is busy then i will look after our son on his time. He has told me it's not my concern with what he does and who he leaves our son with and to butt out. Now, I do know what it;s like to be a step mom... he also has a daughter (13) now and I had been her step mom for the first 10 years of her life, but in all of that, we (my ex and I) both agreed that she was at our home to see him, not to see me. He would do things with her - I may look after for an hour until he got home the first day we had her but that's it. I cared for her tremendously but when we split, I had never seen her again, and to top it off neither has he. It's been 4 years now. I'm not saying he can't see his son... I only have him 50% of the time and miss him terribly when I don't have him. All the hard feelings and hurt aside with why he left the family, all I'm fighting for is to see my son as much as possible and to not have a 3rd party come before me when he can't be with his son. Drop him with me and pick him up when you're ready... I don't get that he doesn't want to do that. He thinks I'm trying to control his life and told me to more or less get lost (in different words) and it's not my business whom he leaves his son with as long as he;s not in danger. But it is my business - and I can't help but feel EXTREMELY angry about not being the first choice to get him when he can't see his son.

Name: pensiero

I have been divorced for 3 yrs and my daughter is being abused mentally by her step mother. When I try to confront her my ex steps in and tells me I dont live there and to stay out of there business. I am infiriated and dont know what to do. My daughter doenst want to stay there and I have to make her. She is 6 and jsut last week she told me her step mom calls her a brat all the time. Any suggestions. Oh the step mom is Russian and very set in her ways.

Name: justme08

In reply to chicagomom, I do understand that stepparents can care deeply about their stepchildren. However, when that step parent says and does things to saboutage the relationship between the children and their real parents, that's just wrong! and parents who do not behave as parents over spans of years and suddenly "love their kids so much" are doing nothing except manipulating. It all comes down to control and money. Sorry, stepparent, too many of you have ruined it for the good ones who really care.

Name: justme08

I have been divorced for 3 years. My ex just remarried one month ago. He did not want the girls on all of his off days and now his new wife is pushing him to take me back to court. She's been married twice already and has 3 children of her own. He never paid attention to the kids when we were married and now wants to become involved (because of her). She stays in my business, degrades me in front of my children, wants more child support from her exes but doesn't want my ex to provide support to me for my children. I guess we'll end up in court sometime soon. I hate knowing that its not him who really wants the girls, that he just doesn't have the guts to stand up to her. I try so hard not to let these things bother me, but the children are smart. I don't know what to do either. I feel your pain.

Name: missimom

rollercoster, I know all too well what you are going through. Sounds like I was telling my own story. I have 2 boys 11 and 6; was seperated 18 months before filling for divorce after his affair. Difference is we were seeing eachother and my son's teacher's husband was in a car accident and in a coma 5 months before he dumped me again for her. MY Son's Teacher! We were divorced Nov 19th with no issues resolved. They wanted a quick marriage after her husband died. They are getting married in March. My 11 yo is in termoil (his former teacher). What I had put in our temp orders was First Right of Refusal. My son does not want to be with her at all but wants to see his dad. That way if Dad Cannot be with the boys on his time over 2 hours, he must call me first. I don't want to push my son before he is ready. When they were first dating he spent
all his time with her and the boys felt abandond. Chicagomom, I really hope you are right about the step mom caring for the boys, but it certainly wasn't that way when she went for her immidiate gratification being the other woman, Nor in my case, a teacher putting her needs for a new Daddy before her husband passed and with her students father. Hopefully now that these women have what they want, they will put the kids first now.

Name: chicagomom

Here's something for you consider: perhaps you're ex's wife actually cares about your children. I'm a divorced mother of two boys who are currently away at college. I recently married a man with two elementary school--aged girls and I love them very much. I'm not sure why mothers in your situation are unable to understand that stepmothers can care very deeply about their stepchildren. My stepdaughters' mother has an attitude very similar to yours; they are her kids and my husband and I should not have a relationship with them. This is wrong. Be glad your ex insists on his visitataion because the impact on your children if you deny visitation or he suspends will be with them for the rest of their lives. If they are truly bad parents your children will eventually see through that.

I enjoy having my stepdaughters for one-on-one time, and I'm tired of their mother making them feel guilty for having a good time when we're together. I run them all over town, pick them up when their mother cannot or chooses not to, and generally treat them as if they were my biological children. I don't think your childrens' stepmother would agree to have them so much if she didn't genuinely care about them.

My guess is (and I could be off base) your children are telling you what you want to hear regarding the time they spend with their stepmother. Children have a strong instinct to to protect their parents, especially their mothers. I know your feelings are strong and your instinct is to protect your children, but there are some things of which you have to let go.

Anger eats up a lot of energy and life; maybe it's time you concentrate that energy in a positive manner. What is about your children that you think another adult cannot love and accept?

Name: azmommy

They say it does by I don't believe it. I do know what you're going through, my ex has to ask her if he can spend extra time with my son. He has to ask her if we can change the pick up and drop off time my request,she said no). She having my 4 year old call her mommy, and me by my first name. Yes I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. Not legal anyways. Hes still angry and laughs it off. The advise I keep reminding myself of is this: With the way yourand your ex are comunicating your children only have 1/2 a chance at a normal life(your 1/2) . Focus on being the best parent you can be and They (your children) will make sure you know that you're the one, the sterdy, steady, constant in their life, and they will let you know you are the one and only mother. Good luck

Name: gr8ful

Rollercoaster... I am so sorry for the turmoil that you find yourself in. I want you to understand two very importand things:
1.) You need to find a way to deal with the emotional pain that this situation is causing you ASAP because this kind of stress can be deadly and can take years off your life, seriously.
2.) You are fighting a losing battle. The harder you want to fight, the deeper you will sink into the mud.

Now let me tell you why I feel this way. You are reacting exactly how we would all like to react and I totally 100% get it, I'm right there with you on how unfair this situation is for all that find theselves in it. (Including me.)

But here's the deal... it is what it is and you have NO CONTROL. Once we are divorced we really have no say what so ever in the lives of our exes. It's very difficult to grasp the concept that what we want / feel / need is of no relivance any longer because we are now out of the picture. It's difficult because we are still emotionally tied together as long as we are actively stirring the pot, but no longer legally bound.

It becomes easier when we accept the fact that the past is the past and we are able to close the door on it and walk away. Take all the good things with you and leave the rest. Close the door. Walk away.

The situation is fueled because we as the ex spouse need to blame the other woman, we gotta, we have to, it spurns us on and keeps the fire burning bright. Bad idea. Huge waste of time. Huge energy sucker. Huge battery drainer.

In reality, the other woman is of no significance, really. She is not the one we echanged vows with. Our spouses did not one day trip and accidently fall into them. This situation that we find ourselves in is due to lack of character and commitment and is a result of lust winning over love. They deserve each other and you should just back away from the fire and let it self combust...without you giving it a second thought.

The children are your heart. Do not worry about the children. Your ex and his wife are adults and I am sure would not put them in harms way. Let your ex and his wife have 100% control and responsibility of the time that they have the kids. Their success or failures as parents will be all theirs and will have no reflection on you. Don't make this a competition of who loves them more or who can be the best parent. Your kids win if they are able to feel safe, loved and protected in both homes. It sucks to think that "she" has access to "your" children... trust me... I've had those same thoughts myself... but again... you have no control no matter how much you hate it. Big ol' wasted energy again.

The bottom line is that you need to just let go of the anger, the hate, the betrayal... and start over. Give in to the knowlege that your ex let you down and it is not repairable. Make a decision to look ahead and try to focus on those things that you can control. Take a weekend class when your boys are at their dad's... go on weekend trips w/ your girlfriends, go get your nails done or your hair done or go to the gym and work out... switch the focus to YOU. Put You first, noone else if going to. Look out for YOU. No one else is doing that. Heal your heart and you will heal your life. Happiness attracts happiness. Bitterness repels people and steals your life. Do not give your ex that power. Take it back today, be brave. You can do it and I am rooting for you!

Name: newdivorceshock New Member

Wow - sounds fun but you have to let go - I am going through a very evil situation where my stbx takes them to my in-laws who have testified in court that they have no respect for me as a person or the children's mother. I am not comfortable when my boys are there. STBX is a misogonist but still definately needs time with his boys - HE will always be there dad - you have to accept. You loved him enough to have kids - trust that he will take care of them. So you don't like her or the thought of the homewrecker - it's ok -completely normal - I wouldn't either and I haven't ruled that one out yet either ie another "mommy" waiting in the wings with the way this whole thing happend for me - but know that your boys definately know you are their mom and at the end of the day - it is more important - then a week or two of her carting them around.

Name: singlemomkl

I am not jealous of the "step mom to be". What disturbs me is this woman spending valuable weekend time with my children, 7 and 4, because their father is unavailable during his parenting time. I failed to get things in writing in the Property Settlement Agreement, so this allows my ex to dictate when the children get to be with me during his parenting time. I am reduced to a free babysitting service, because when he doesn't need me, he leaves them with her. I gave away all weekend time to my ex, he has full weekends every other weekend, plus Friday overnights on the alternate weekend. I chose and actually kind of lobbied for it because I feel it is important for the children to see their father as much as possible, but he promised if ever I had something to do with the children on the "short weekend" it would be no problem. That never got into the agreement, so I only see my children 26 Saturdays and 26 Sundays a year unless the ex has plans. I do have joint custody and most of the parenting time, but not weekends. I never can go away for the weekend. The ex is the typical bully, and thrives on making me squirm by saying "it's not in the agreement" knowing he promised me so many things. I do keep busy. I do have a great family and friend support system, and I do have most of the days. But knowing my children do not have adequate weekend time with me and it is my fault, my doing, is truly unbearable for me. I am working on dealing more effectively with the situation. But it is hard. These days are precious and time lost is forever gone. Funny thing is the ex was never around during the marriage for his children and by some way of a miracle has made a 180 degree turn and looks like the model father.
For all of us in this situation, the good advice has been given already by others:Be there for your kids, love them, and make the best of your time together and let the rest go. When will this be a reality for me, I hope soon! LOL Take care and be well.

Name: Amandagates New Member

I just want to know how many kids you can leave with a 13yr?for like how many hrs,my daughters is 8yrs old,her step mom leaves her with two half brothers witch are 8yes old also,then a 9yrs ,13yr step sisters,then my daughter step mom,puts my daughter down,tell my daughter that she is ugly,stupis,fat,things like that,then the dad and step split two times this yr because of the way the step mom was with my daughter,oh then the step mom was also getting rid of all my daughters good clothes,shoes to small,her dad told she wares 11 in girls,yeah right try size 2,i was so mad,i called on them and all i got was talk to the dad,then before the step mom and dad got married she left all the kids alone again,my daughter and the boys were babys they were 18 months old,the oldest was 4 yrs old then two more times,everytime i took my daughter with me,i didnt think to call on them eather time,i did have to call poisin control one time,after that i stoped him from seeing her.see what us females are doing is going for child support,that is the biggest mastake for us females to do,my other dughters dad,he wanted me to go for child support,i told him no,my daughter is 6yrs old ,i get nothing from her dad,why i dont want him see my daughter well easy it all up,hes why i dont have my olderst daughter,he beat my oldest up when she was 3 1/2 yrs old ,well since its been 5yrs since this happen he can get visition,over my dead body he will get visition.

Name: Amandagates New Member

I know all about this,But mine is wors then yours,my daughter calls her (step mom)mom.Just be glad that will never happen.to make everything better for you why dont you and the father meet somewere with the kids,make it a drop off point,this way you dont have to see all that,as the days go on all this will get better

Name: madalex Member

Amen to what rights said. They are just as much your former spouse's children as they are yours, so for you to try to dictate what he does with them on is parenting time is inappropriate. I understand that it is upsetting to you, but you need to find something else to do to occupy your time away from your kids instead of obsessing about what they may be doing with their father and his new spouse.

Name: Jean D New Member

Find something to do while the kids are gone. Soon she will get tired of her new role because believe me, she is only doing this to try to make a 'family' situation with your ex. Just show your kids lots of love and try not to show you feelings when they come to get the kids. This is something you will have to put up with. It normally does not last. I bet that within two years he will be divorcing her. 3 years is the average time limit with an 'affair'. She just pressured him to marriage. Nevertheless, it is over for you and him. Just always be there for your children and try to help him be a good father so that they don't suffer from that loss as well.

Name: rights New Member

It's really disturbing to see statements about MY children. After divorce, children have two homes, their mothers and their fathers. It's possible that there will be extended families in both. As parents, it's our job to help them move on in life, learn to get along with people in various situations, and to use their families as a support structure.

When we don't allow the new extended family to carry their load of the responsibility, we are handicapping our children, hurting ourselves, and our children's other parent. That in turn is hurting the child - remember they are half you and hald the other parent.

When people can't move on, and see everything as a war between the ex, and the kids are always being hurt by the other side, and not theirs, then there is a problem. Get a book, get a spouse, get a counselor, and start helping these children learn to get along in life. They will have similar challenges in school, work and their own relationships. Aren't you going to help them learn to cope so they can do the same when they are out of the nest?

I am hooked on this idea of shared parenting. I found a new site - www.WashingtonSharedparenting.com that I am following their blog. It looks appealing to me.

Name: PMC New Member

I understand your resentment of the new wife. I started dating my husband right after he had moved out and they had filed for divorce. Six years later, his ExW still refers to me as the "other woman" (actually a lot worse than that). I never saw it that way, though. I was not his first girlfriend.

Perceptions as they are, hanging on to this hatred (for your ExH and his new wife) is only hurting you. From my perspective, I did not purposefully choose a man with kids and an ExW. It just happened that way. And I have no ambitions of stealing another woman's children. But as wife, I help out when I can. And if that means driving my step kids around town, it's not a dig at their bio-mom, but a necessity for transporting them from one place to another.

You never know - you may someday fall in love with a man who has kids. And you will see how difficult it is for the step mom to become invisible.

I hope you find peace and are able to move beyond the hurt, for yourself and for your children.

Name: Kaylea New Member

I know how you feel, ive been going through hell with my ex and his girlfriend sence she moved in with him.. see from the begining ive never let him leave the kids with her... i told her there was no way i didnt trust her and that when he had to work the kids would be with me... so in the summer time the kids can only be with him every other week end... cause he works and during school time... they can stay with him cause they are only with her for 1 hour before the buss comes to pick them up... and with her for maby 1 hour before he gets home from work... hes tried telling me that when the kids was with him it was none of my buisness and i told him that my kids are my buisness no matter where they were.... see right now my ex got in a fight with me over the phone yesterday telling me that my daughter wanted to die her hair and i told him that i had already told her no and he said that i was trying to be controling with my daughter and that i didnt have a relation ship with her... well shes been told she cant ask me something i tell her no then go to dad and get what she wants.... so shes been told that if she does die her hair it will be cut verry short till it growns back out and she will be grounded for a month... i cant let her think that she can get away with it even though i love her shes 12 years old and shes not going to use the fact that were divorced to get her way.... so my guess is she wont get her hair died... but the thing is no matter what they tell my kids... my kids know me and just because there is no rules over there and they dont care what the kids do there is a safe ruled secure invirment here... they will grow up and see the truth... of the things their father and her are doing... i also do not do everything for my chirldren i would rather my children grow up saying my mom didnt do it for me she tought me how and i did it all my self... and they will be independent...

Name: mamadootz New Member

I SO completely agree with how hard it is to maintain quiet and peace when you are in a situation like this. My soon-to-be-ex took up with a friend of ours from church before he left the house -in which I asked him to leave from the high amount of verbal abuse- and he wouldn't leave for months because he felt "he had no where to go", but took up with her anyhow. She WAS a good friend, but I supposed they are the ones who can most interrupt sanity. I NEVER expected her to do this! She has no kids (can't have them) and is a perpetual non-mother type (as she puts it). I'm a 2nd wife with one daughter, he has 2 girls from his 1st wife. She moved her sorry toukas in the kids' lives right away and they trash both of us "ex's" in full frontal of the kids! He takes no parental duties, leaving everything to the mothers and he just wants to be the girls' pal instead of a father. He feels both of us mothers are evil and he is a great dad (and we are useless ppl if we have to involve him in situations where he should be contacted ie - problems).He calls us the worst of names in front of the kids, too! His oldest (15 yrs) took an overdose of No-Doze with her friends earlier this year and was rushed to the hospital. Her mother called him and told him to rush to the hospital, but b/c he was with his "new thang" they decided to go get something to eat first! When they finally got there they "teased" his daughter by saying how they were going to get something yummy to drink and how they could walk out of there but how she had to stay (mind you, they were inducing vomiting with that charcoal junk). His daughter was crushed and cried, but this is not new to her. I spent 10 yrs in fights with him to be more of a father to them, they are great girls. Last week, MY daughter was rushed to the hosp with convulsion like fevers and he said "being here is more YOUR thing so I am leaving." He called later that night saying him and his newbie would be there shortly... I was JUST FLOORED! I told him NO WAY, he lost his mind. Says God forgave him and wants him to be "happy" so I should get over it. He never even thought to call her sisters to tell them she was in the hospital, and was outraged that I brought it up to him! Point is, he has always neglected the emotional needs of his girls and both of us ex wives have to do damage control every single weekend! My daughter is convinced she is at the bottom of his list, and is sad b/c the other girls will be able to stop seeing him soon and she will be alone with him. The courts DO NUTHIN, I am so lost. It's hard to be around the newbie, I want to rip her hair out and I am so much a better person than that! They both elicit feelings of rage within me, and I refuse to let them see it. I do not talk about her with my girl, even though she knows what is going on (she is 8) from his end. I allow her to get angry with him, though she'd never dare say anything to him in fear of his anger, BUT my right hand to God I always tell her that her daddy loves her and he may do wrong things, but that he IS NOT A BAD PERSON (gawd, that one kills me to say!)Hang in there, ok? Know you are doing the right thing, let your kids see that you are strong and emotionally safe, that is what they fear most. My girl told me that she can "take it from him" as long as she knows I am there for her. How sad is that??? If he really knew how his kids felt about him, he'd drop over dead from shame. (by the way, his 1st wife and I are friends and support eachother in our tremors)How can I get the courts to make him go to anger amnagement or therapy? Yeah, yeah, know I can't, but any adivce?

Name: mac Member

Rollercoaster:Yep,I am going through these feeling with the other woman too. What eats me away every single day is how I accepted her into my home when she left my ex due to ongoing verbal and emotional abuse. I supported her 100% and was willing to help her adjust to single motherhood. When the ex took her back, a custody battle started and she signed a statement against me. Now that my daugther is there on alternating weeks, SHE is the one taking care of my child. The father is not involved and she is. Although I have not spoken to her since May and she cannot even look me in the face the few times I did see her, she constantly asks my child "Why she started this" She constantly tells my daughter the clothes I buy her a dorky and dresses her in used clothes so she looks like a bum. She takes my daughter to school and picks her up and that is MY JOB. She packs her lunches and THAT MY JOB. She took my daughter to the hairdresser and cut off all her hair. There was a time when we were all friends and now I absolutely hate her but at the same time I know she has to be very compliant since the ex took her back, but for god sake, we are both mothers and we both lived with the man and know what kind of a person he is and continues to be.She should be protecting her child too as well as mine. She see's the torment every day that my ex is causing my child and still continues to stand by him. As of last night, my ex threw my child out in the middle of night in the rain and told her he never wanted to see her again all because she wanted to come visit me the next day.The other woman was there, and she did nothing to prevent this. What is wrong with people. My sister constantly tells me what goes around comes around and I hope she gets what she deserves. It may be sad for me to feel this way, but my daughter does not know how I feel and should the other woman leave my ex again in the near future I will contact her as my child is extremely close to her step-sister and I want the two of them to grow up together. I feel that is the least I can for my child.

Name: Tim New Member

I'm in Canada, we called them Children's Aid, I believe in the States you call it Social Services.

Name: Tim New Member

Rollercoaster: I know what you are saying, I'm living this now too. My wife destroyed the marriage over a internet boyfriend, which fell through, now she lives in what was our home with a new boyfriend and my 3 daughters, although he was in no way involved in the marriage break up an incident of a minor nature took place between him and my young kids, it set off alot of warning bells which were reported to Childrens Aid, Although the investigation didn't uncover anything illegal it did cause the two of them to tow the line a little better, then on other incidents when I complained they did the same in fear of another investigation resulting in my kids being a little better cared for by them. All I can recommend to you is put your hate in neutrol and keep your ears and eyes open, if their conduct with the kids crosses any lines do not hesitate to call Children's Aid, but ensure your complaints have a solid basis. Also don't pump the kids for info on return, don't call her or him down in front of the kids despite how you feel. Alot of grown kids report their worst memories of growing up were how one parent trashed the other. And yes the hate is a natural part of Separation, but like anything else, if you can't free yourself from it, it will eat you alive. There are professionals out there who can help you with this. I also feel seperation rollercoasts between depression and seeing red anger.

Name: rollercoaster Member

Thank you for your replies. Tim, what is Children's Aid? Is that a state gov't service? I haven't heard that name, but I'm sure there's something here similar. Yes, divorce and betrayal does provoke extreme feelings that alternate between depression and red hot anger! I'm working very hard to let some of that go and not "engage" when my ex throws out a nasty remark. Putting the "hate" in neutral and eyes and ears open is good advice. It's scary to think that something bad has to happen before action can be taken.

Name: bdunn Member

Actually you don't have to let them spend time with their father. My ex makes visitation next to impossible and never gets more than a slap on the wrist from the court. But I don't reccommend this. I want to see my kids more. I love my kids but my ex is doing whatever she can, including moving to keep me from seeing them.In NY it is very easy to get a visitation order which is meaningless as the courts don't enforce them. There is no legal link to visitation and child support unfortunately. If there were a $50 or $100 penalty for each denied visitation she'd be damn sure that I saw the kids when I am allowed to. But thats just a wish. I call the kids almost daily but I miss them so.