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Name: queenonherthrone   Title: What should I do with a bad mouthing EX?

I am at my wits end with my ex. We have three children. 9, 5 and 2. My problem with him is he insists on telling our children all kinds of things they don't need to know. All of which do not paint me in any kind of a good light. I know I am not innocent in the breakdown in our marriage but for crying out loud does he have to tell my older two kids things about me. Most of which are his version of "truth". I was bad with money. Truth but that was 6 years ago. I went to the bar with my girlfriends. Truth but NO men were ever involved. I called him names alot. Truth well no excuse for that. FACT He is TERRIBLE with money. FACT He has had not 1 affair on me but 2. Fact He is a mean, nasty, unforgiving man. He does things like telling my 5 year old I'm not suppose to "varnish"(this is a 5 year olds word) he meant tarnish his last name so I'd better go back to my maiden name, this same child asks me "why do you steal all dad's money" Child support for 3 kids is expensive and he gives my 9 year old my support check just so she can "see how much money I give your mom". I live in Canada and I left with pretty much nothing that didn't have debt attached to it. He doesn't pay the full amount of his support because I cut him some slack because in the winter his hours are cut back. That was stupid on my part. Now he won't pay me. In short I guess I am just so mad that he insists on dragging our kids in on our issues. He never has the guts to say any of this to my face. Should I just let it go and hope our kids eventually learn their dad is a LIAR. Or should I confront him? I do not bad mouth him in front of our children. The fact is they are part of him and at one point I did love him. My oldest is very troubled by this. I hate seeing her hurt by his constant bad-mouthing. Sorry about the long-winded post.

Name: peaceplease New Member

TruthPlease

whoever you are I just wanted to say thank you!! I feel terrible, what it is like to be
under such tyranny from an ex who is not in love with her children, as much as
she is in love with gaining sympathy from others, and tearing down people.

Just hard on everyone, gut-wrenching, and ultimately not successful.
Thanks for sharing some honesty on things.

Name: The Parentectomy New Member

See a co-parenting specialist as soon as you can. You need to deal with Parental Alienation as soon as possible, for yourself, and especially for your children who are being emotionally abused by their father.

Name: lovedare New Member

Don't have childsupport paid to you directly from him, have a garnishment put in place. this will come directly from his paycheck to an bank account of your choosing. Next, take these children to a therapist that is qualified to deal with children. If necessary, follow through with court proceedings-- these children have become a dumping ground for verbal and emotional garbage-- don't waste anytime, get on this now!
Don't ask what was said and when they tell you what was said, tell them you are sorry that they had to sit and listen to that- then change the subject, talk about what you and them are going to do, play, get ice cream what ever. Let the therapist know, and let them deal with it in their sessions.
Further more to the mom who is being harrassed by the new woman- she is jealous. She wants you out of the picture, but that cant happen if you both are raising this child, so she is trying to drive you away, get your son and then she gets her way!! Sick but it makes since as to what her actions are! If he left you, he is bitter maybe because you didn't fulfill his fantacy of fighting for him! You have tried to just say hey this sucks, and move on. You were probably suppose to be so distraught that you fought for him, she would then fight for him and he would feel glorified. And maybe he found of that she falls into the 80/20 rule you being 80 percent out what he wants and her the 20- the 20 looked appealing until he had it- ya know!

Name: Squid New Member

Whoa you aren't short of opinions are you TruthPlease! I see your point, but must tell you that until you walk a mile in any one of these peoples shoes, it may be best for you to sit back and just listen. Sure they are venting but isn't that what this area is for? Better here than in front of the kids. I know of shat they speak. I was married to an attorney for years so you know he is absolutely believed whenever we go to court! I have been accused of everything but starting World War 1 and thats probably only cause I am not old enough! LOL! He raped me financially and now he is attacking the kids. We are all just trying to find some answers here and seeing if anyone has some advice that we can use! Hmmm, it's safe to say we won't be taking too much of yours until we actually manage to get our exes to stop their garbage. I don't think even you can say that the poor gal who had to get a restraining order cause she nearly had her car bashed in is being dumb and paranoid! Like I said, thanks for your enlightening take on things. Remind us not to come to you if we need love, caring or compassion!

Name: enlightenedgoddess New Member

This is to truthplease...... I find your post extremely in poor taste. I have never claimed to be a saint but i do feel vicitimized by the ex and his new wife. They both bad mouth me constantly according to my 7 yr old saying that I am a liar (about what he doesnt know). Have called child protective services on me 6 times, I was vindicated every time because it was baseless accusations. They have followed me around with cameras on several occasions, almost hitting my car once and her driving (how messed up is that). He would call over a dozen times at a time and start fights to get me on tape. Growing tired of the posion I got a restraining order after they almost ran into my car.

I have been embroiled in a custody battle for two years now, that they started when they got together. I have tried to settle with them several times by giving them more time with him and dropping child support but that isnt enough they only are willing to drop the case if I only get him every other weekend. It has gotten to the point that I have taken them to a shrink because of anxiety issues and both boys have stated a desire to kill their father. The oldest is pretty much forgotten about by his father because he has already aged out. He wasnt even invited to his wedding.
The only reason I am not out dating is because I am too scared to date anyone for fear they will be dragged into court to testify. I want my life back!!!!

I have been told by my lawyer that his lawyer has did everything but twist his arm to settle but I was told he wasnt running the show anymore and she won't drop it and no one knows why? Can someone give me any ideas on why she doesnt want peace in her life for her new marriage? It perplexes me to no end of his hatred because he is the one who left, it should be me that is bitter and whatnot but like I said I just want to have a life again.

Name: Canajo

Same problem here. My ex is unforgiving about other things in my past, so when I divorced him, he is telling my children all kinds of nasty things and using the BIBLE to find verses that go against me. I have sole custody of the kids and he has weekly visitation which he never uses. They called me crying one weekend and cut the visit short by one day. I am thinking about going back to court and cancelling his visitation pending a psychiatric eval and 6 months of treatment. Is this a form of mental and emotional abuse? He is already proven physical abuse...
How do I handle the comments that the children make to me? I can tell that thy ar echoing him because he used to say the same things to me, which is one of the reasons why I left him. He is such a miserable and toxic person.

Name: kboivin7

Everyone has their own truth. My X has turned my own brothers and sisters against me. What has helped me to survive the emotional minefield of divorce and seperation has been the reassuring hugs and kisses to my kids letting them know I love them. I show up and put on a happy face.

Name: marthac New Member

I think you can talk to your kids and your ex using facts and if you can keep your opinions out of the discussion, and tell them you would like to keep opinions out of the discussion, every one will feel better. Your posting shows you have a lot of opinions...and your opinions about your ex are not so great. ("He is a mean, nasty, unforgiving mean" is not a fact, that's your opinion. )Some times, you don't have to say it, but your kids know you don't think highly of their dad anyway, so how are you any different from your ex?

Maybe it will help if you read this article on parental alienation: http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Parent
ing_and_Step-Families/parentalcontrol.htm
l

Name: TruthPlease

I've read all these posts, and as woman it disgusts me that it is primarily
women trying to come off as victims. You all know that isn't entirely true, and that
you likely deserve some of this if not all of it. Each woman thinks she's a
saint. Newsflash: you're not. My husband's ex wife is a slimeball who's made
up slanderous stories, yet you don't see him posting here complaining. We
IGNORE the woman. If you're a jerk, trust me ladies, your kids will find out
no matter what amount of dirt you sling at the father, no matter how much
brainwashing you do. Don't sit there and feel sorry for yourselves, it's pathetic.
Get out, live life and show the kids things don't bother you. And if you are pulling
crap on the ex, bleeding him of cash, whining and doing the little women
gang up and bash men get-togethers then there is truly something wrong with
you that you need to address. People don't just get nasty for no reason ladies,
and you did something to tick off a guy who once must have at least liked you.
While you're sitting there dateless typing garbage to other women on the
internet and playing violins for eachother, your ex is out there living, dating
and forgetting about you. It's your constant nagging and harping, judging and
grabbing for his wallet that turns him off you and may turn off other men. If you
have a new husband and he's been b.s.ed about things, sure he'll side
with you, but most women I know lie through their teeth to the new man,
because women have this ugly pack mentality and love ganging up on a
person, man or women. Life isn't going to be easy for your precious little kids
okay? There's disease, death and heartache. You may bury one of your
kids before their time, you cannot protect them from everything. You're
divorced, too bad, you should have made better decisions and if your kids
get hurt then so be it. That's part of the game. MY post is long winded because
I'm trying to help out a friend in your similar situation and she's talked it
to death. No one cares anymore - things won't change, there are no answers.
She gets a bit of support here and there and funny part is, she got a
speeding ticket on the way to the mall to spend that support check. Money
means nothing to kids, it means the world to a woman. You do realize
you can be the ideal parent and your kids can still grow up to hate you, or worse
yet even kill you. Cold hard facts. Life is tough and unpredictable. Do your
best and don't retaliate or you're going to raise some rotten kids that someone
else will put in their place. Enough said.

Name: Susan1976

I worried about this too. BC my X bad mouths everyone, I am sure he will when our sons grown up. But i resolved in my mind to teach my son, that it is not good manners to say bad things about other people, and that if somebody says something bad about another person then actually it is making the person who is saying the bad things look bad....All we can do is be good examples of this and have our kids associate as much as possible with good role modles who only speak kind words, as they grow with good all around them hopefully bad mouthers will stand out as just that, and they will see through his atempt to decieve them. Do you think your eldest would understand if you said that sometimes people feel sad and upset and say mean things about other people to make themselves feel better? Or you could say that Daddy just wants you to love him, explain you think that he says bad things about you to perhaps make himself look better so the kids will love him more? I guess i would just tell kids that what their Daddy is doing by saying bad things about you isnt nice, and If he says things that arent nice they should not listen to him. if you teach them- if you cant say anything nice......dont say anything. I sure wouldnt confront him on it, to me your just stoking the fire, he is always gonna be that way. I'd say He wants your kids to be on his side and thats why he does it, if they can understand that and know what he is doing is a wrong behavour, I think that will take the attention off what he is saying about you and focus on the fact that he is doing something wrong now by speaking about you in this way. hope that helped

Name: sickntired

I know what you mean about exs running your name through the mud. Mine does it all the time to our 7 year old. My son gets so upset too. It just makes me feel horrible that my ex hates me so much that he would try to hurt me through our kids. The only that you can do is love your children. I tell my son every time he goes to is dad that if he or I ever say anything nasty about the other that he should not pay any attention to us. I don't know if this helps my son at all but I'm just giving it a try. I have had to hold my tongue many many times about horrible things that my ex does but I will never say anything nasty about him to my son. When he's old enough he will make is own judgments.