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Name: shelia New Member   Title: dating during seperation

I am new to is message board thing, so I just thought I'd throw out my question. I have been seperated for 1 1/2 yrs. My ex is dragging out the divorce. We have 4 children. So far I have not let them know I am dating, but am very tired of hiding. Some friends think I am crazy for waiting until the divorce is final, some agree with me that I should wait. It may be 2 yrs. before we finalize. I have bought a home, gotten a new job and am ready to move on with my life. Does everyone have trouble getting through the maze of legal junk?Any adivse is welcome.

Name: blackmore New Member

I am in the same situation. I have been separated in my new home for about a year. I was separated in the house for several months. My wife is dragging out the divorce. I am in a relationship and I fear my situation is putting my relationship in jeopardy. It is uncomfortable for my girlfriend and I understand. So i understand what you are going through. I want to make the move to tell my daughter but I've only gotten as far as telling her that separated people date. It is hard to tell her because once i start talking about it she clams up.
I don't know if there is an expert in this field. I think since it has been a year it shouldn't be giving my Ex more ammunition.. If you are able to break the ice let me know!

Name: sylvia Member

I am curious about CritchJC's response. My parents were divorced and both began dating fairly soon after the separation and it never bothered me even though I loved both parents very much. My kids seem very much the same way. Both their dad and I have been dating and they seem very accepting and agreeable to the idea. However, my boyfriend has two children and his 13 yr old son is fine with us dating but his 16 yr old daughter is extremely upset and bothered by it. I don't think it's me, I think it's anyone. She is very close to her mother and is not as bothered by her dating as she is about her dad dating.Can anyone provide more insight to me on why she is feeling so strongly about this and how he/we can help her through?

Name: sylvie Member

That raises an interesting question. Do you confirm to the kids that the relationship exists or do you leave it up to the ex? And is it in the best interests of the children to have it brought out in the open so that any anxiety or uncertainty, sadness, whatever emotions are going on with them can be dealt with?

Name: janalta Member

Let's see, my ex started 'dating' before the seperation....so much for waiting a respectable amount of time. He started sleeping over in her twon at least two or three nights a week ( plus business trips ) only 2 months after we seperated. He still thinks he's hiding his relationship from the kids...but they're not stupid.If you don't have kids, then start dating whenever you feel ready to meet someone new. It is my opinion though that if you have kids together...give them time to heal before you pull them into any sort of relationship with a third party...they've been through enough already.No matter how old they are or what they may say, they need to get used to mom and dad being apart before they know either parent is dating someone else.I have no intentions on dating anyone any time soon...this time is for me to begin my new life, go to school and be with my kids...period. I want nothing to do with a new relationship and I don't think it's fair to pile that on them in the near future either.

Name: janalta Member

In my opinion, if he wants to be involved in something he knows is going to hurt our kids....he can be the one to bring it up and destroy them himself.IF they came to me with any questions though, I'm not going to lie to them about it.

Name: sylvie Member

Well here's one thought but I'm certainly not an expert on the behaviour of teens. Perhaps she feels a little threatened by you, that you may interfere in the relationship she has with her father, that you might be replacing her so to speak, or infringing on the time she has with him.I know when my brother divorced, his daughter initially took on the role, (or tried to take on the role to the best of her ability)of taking care of things whether it was around the house or offering emotional support. Both her and my nephew became basically attached to my brother's hip (he has primary custody - they only see their mother every other weekend). Once they got comfortable and secure in their new "life" things seemed to ease up. Has your BF tried talking to her to see what's going on? 16 years old can be a very tumultuous time. Some of her anxiety may not even be related to the divorce itself but to other insecurities that may be going on in her life.

Name: CritchJC New Member

You may not agree with me but I am a product of Divorced parents. They Divorced when I was 15 years old. Anyway My Dad Started dating right away and that was very hard for me. He seamed to be happy with the new girlfriend. But I could not get used to the Idea. I did not let on that it bothered me because I loved my Dad. My Mom on the other hand would not date she found it more important to raise my little brother and I. When my younger brother turned 18 she started to date. I respected her alot for the sacrifice and love she gave us. Now looking back on all this I do not have the same respect for My Father. By the way I'm now 32 and it is still hard to think about. I have my own 4 children and feel very lucky to have such a wounderful wife. Just somthing to think about. Good luck

Name: Sag27 New Member

I separated from my husband a year and 8 months ago. I've had two relationships in the meantime. One starting 4 months after we separated which turned out to be a nightmare because my Ex Husband poisoned the kids. The second boyfriend great guy but the kids weren't liking him. I would advise anyone out there who may be starting to date after separation to wait at least 6 months to a year before they bring this person around their children. My children have adapted very well to the divorce as well as to the two boyfriends. But if they were ever attached to the boyfriends, and I broke up with them that would yet be another loss for them and I would advise anyone newly dating to keep this is mind. The children do get attached. Keep your social life separate from the upbringing of your children until they are old enough to understand.

Name: sylvia Member

I am in a very similar situation as you. We separated in Oct. 2002 after 10 years of an emotionally distant marriage and for financial reasons the stbx is dragging things out. I swore I wasn't going to date until the divorce was over, by this could go on for quite some time. I finally began to date a guy about 3 1/2 months ago and at first I kept it to myself. But as the relationship grows, so does our time together and I have informed my kids (10 and 17). He was also separated for two years and his divorce was final at the beginning of May. I just didn't feel I wanted to put my life on hold any longer.

Name: Daisy New Member

Sheila, I am of the ilk that it is okay to date. If you are ready (and only you know when that is) then I see nothing wrong with it. Some think you should wait 2 years...I don't see why. If it is over for you and you know it then go on with your life. If, however, you are dating just to seek revenge on your ex, then you are probably not ready to date and that is not fair to the other people you involve, and you should work out those issues before dating. If you don't work out the issues within yourself that you have with your ex, then you are likely to project those things onto the people you date, or you may bore them with the details of how much you hate your ex (lol) and that is not good either. I think you get my drift.

Name: Fred Mertz Member

Yes.