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Name: johnm   Title: Sex and Marriage

I recently divorced from my wife of 16 years. The last ten were absolutely no sex. The marriage was not a bad one - there was mutual respect and platonic love. However, the thought of living the rest of my life with no sex scared me. Yet I still feel guilty. Has anyone experienced a similar situation and how did you deal with it?

Name: matt1944 New Member

We have been married for 42 years, had 2 children early in our marriage!
After the kids our intimacy and sex life just went away. Its some where around
35 years since our last sex encounter.
Were still married and happy as a clam. Sex wasn't really any thing thrilling.
We love each other.

Name: joes6252 New Member

I dont know when this was written, but I truly understand. I am 47 and I am maaried to a man who has not had sex with me for 6 yrs. The talk of sex either causes a fight or just bitterness. I have been married 12 yrs. My husband is a loviong man. However he does have some health issues, but he makes no attempt to particiapte in anything ref sex or romance. i have to much to say, but in general, i love him and i owe him my life-lets say. Nevertheless i feel llike i have a room mate or my father living with me. I had my breast reduced, i was so tickled, i have a teeny bopper chest now.-lol but in all seriousness, he has never touched me or asked to see them. i have begun to care less about myself. i think i am angry. if only he would do something. Even if parts dont work, he could do things to help me. honestly he lost 2 wives like this. i love him -but i no longer feel sexually attracted to him. I often think i would still try if he would. So my dear I do understand. I am a good woman , but i am getting rather grr. any advice, i only want kind descent ideas. please
kelly

Name: joes6252 New Member

I dont know when this was written, but I truly understand. I am 47 and I am maaried to a man who has not had sex with me for 6 yrs. The talk of sex either causes a fight or just bitterness. I have been married 12 yrs. My husband is a loviong man. However he does have some health issues, but he makes no attempt to particiapte in anything ref sex or romance. i have to much to say, but in general, i love him and i owe him my life-lets say. Nevertheless i feel llike i have a room mate or my father living with me. I had my breast reduced, i was so tickled, i have a teeny bopper chest now.-lol but in all seriousness, he has never touched me or asked to see them. i have begun to care less about myself. i think i am angry. if only he would do something. Even if parts dont work, he could do things to help me. honestly he lost 2 wives like this. i love him -but i no longer feel sexually attracted to him. I often think i would still try if he would. So my dear I do understand. I am a good woman , but i am getting rather grr. any advice, i only want kind descent ideas. please
k

Name: jvii New Member

No sex in marriage is not a healthy situation. Face up to it that this is a very bad and sad situationand start winding down so that you can escape this nightmare. Rationalize all you wish but realize this is not why you signed-up to marry this person. It does not matter, if you are a sexual being and your spouse is not, it is a mis-match made in hell.

Get your business in order and leave...DO NOT LOOK BACK and then file for a divorce.
The longer you stay in this situation, the longer you are missing out on someone who will really appreciate you.

Name: LC1 New Member

I understand how you feel. I have been married for ten years and my honeymoon was sexless. The sex died off until last year we have not had sex in over a year and the thought of the rest of my life like this scares me.I also feel guilty. Why I don't know. I want to leave but I just don't have the courage yet. I admire you for getting out of a bad situation.

Name: reda7510 New Member

wow joan marie! now your marriage sounds alot like mine. i feel so frustrated. i have made up my mind to leave though it's just that i haven't lived on my own for 18 years (that's how long we,ve been together too).

Name: bubbaking New Member

tell everybody in town about your wife and her frigidity.........that oughta get her goat. (This is my way of getting back at the sexual camel i was with for 25 years)......

Name: JamesBracken New Member

You are definitely right...and should not feel guilt.....
http://www.bekinky.co.uk/

Name: JohnDude New Member

Why do you feel guilty about it? Obviously it was not meant to be.

Name: zhandan New Member

Joan Marie, you are absolutely right. Wherever I go, even a super market, I am always checked by men. And I have all sexy underware and rob at home. My husband and I still have no sex.

When a man doesn't want to have sex with you, he may make all kinds excuses and always try to blame on the woman. Do not just believe what he says, there's always something else going on. And that might be the real cause.

Name: zhandan New Member

I got marriaged 6 months ago. Sex was absolutely great before the marriage. On the evening we were engaged, I checked my husband's email account - that was my first time, I sware, his laptop was open and he was acting unnomal that night. And I found out he was asking another girl out - on the evening we were engaged, and he went out with a few other girls when we were dating but he lied to me saying he went somewhere with his buddies. I was so sad and asked him why he would do that to me. He was mad because he said I shouldn't have checked his email. The he said sorry and promissed that would never happen again. I believed him and soon after we got married. But the sex just wend down hill. He blamed on the medication he took and blamed on me sometimes saying I didn't do it right, when he asked me to stop I didn't or stopped to late, when he wanted me to go to the right and I went to the left... He even asked me to take care of myself because he was not in the mood. I am a very attractive woman. It's very easy for me to find a few sex partners but I don't want to cheat on my marriage. I am in my early 30s and my husband is in his late 30s. We are still young. How would this work?

Name: Altosaxx New Member

John,

Sex is a way of connecting to your spouse emotionally and physically. It builds a bond that promotes closeness and emotional intimacy. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. Some would disagree but it's my opinion that the sharing of intimate pleasure in a marriage enables couples to bond more deeply as friends. That friendship will sustain the marriage as we age, our bodies change and our need for the sexual connection lessens. Sex is what separates a couples relationship from all other relationships. A marriage without sexual intimacy and friendship will eventually sputter and die.
Guilt is a natural process, you cared once, still do, but if some-one turns the other way each night, one day they won't come home, I put up with my marriage for 35 years, until I met my old flame from school (infants, juniors, senior) we knew when we met again it was for keeps, I went through 10 months of hell inside me but it had to be done, for my peace of mind, I can only say it gets better each day \week\ month that passes, time to move on, you have nothing to be guilty about only guilt itself.

Regards from the UK

Name: Joan Marie New Member

tiresmoker Im sure youre a beautiful woman dont blame yourself if you gained weight. I always kept my weight in check and my husband never wanted me.

Name: tiresmokr New Member

Hi Johnm,

I too am in a sexless marriage. Mu husband and I haven't been intimate for about 2 months now but for the last year and a half, it has been sex once every 3-4 months. I tell my husband how I feel about us not being intimate and he tells me that he just doesn't find me as physically attractive (I have gained about 60 pounds over the last few years). I am actually considering separation as I deem it to be neglect and with other things combined, emotional abuse. Did your wife ever see a doctor in which to see if she had a medical condition?? I'm sorry that your marriage had to end but hopefully you will find someone who will love you the way that you need to be loved.

Name: Joan Marie New Member

I wish i could speak to someone in my situation to find some sanity. I know nothing will help after 18 years but I need courage to leave. The loneliness hurts so bad.

Name: Joan Marie New Member

I tooam in a sexless marriage of 18 years but right from the begining of my marriage. I was pregnant when we got married so his excuse was youre pregnant,Then it was because I had to get up with the baby in the middle of the nite. Then it is because Im not nice to him blah blah blah. Believe me we had sex about 4 or 5 times in the last 18 years and I cry all the time but he tells me he loves me lol I dont know I would feel guilty if I leave but at the same time Im scared that some other guy wont make love to me either but I guess thats whyathe wants me to feel. Ive told him lately I wish I had a mans arms around me and he responded by saying why would you tell your husband you want some guys arms around you? It never ends in his mind its my fault we dont have sex.Im lonely frustrated and I do lash out because im sad with him.Joan marie

Name: eestet

Counseling and talking are two things couples always avoid. You have to talk about things you are unhappy about. Communication is every marriage is key. If you don't talk about it, how can you work on it?

Name: Irishgirlssss

the drinking change their behavior........mine was psycho.He had to wear certain outfits demanded me to wear outfits.was cruel and abusive the next day.I hope he treats his new girlfriend the same.Its always fun the chase but reality hits and hahahahahaha.I have already dated a normal man who doesnt drink and its great

Name: Irishgirlssss

I lived in a sexless marriage....He was drunk all the time abusive cruel and did VERY SICK THINGS.....I miss having one soooooooo bad.I know there is a normal life out there..noone should be un happy like that

Name: johnm

To cheeps: Wife told me she's asexual 5 years into the marriage. I regret I didn't seek counseling or talk about it. I thought I could live with it. Lesson learned. Drinking had nothing to do with it. To Ragnar: Thanks for the supportive and constructive note and I agree with you cheeps sounds bitter.

Name: ragnarok07

My soon-to-be ex-wife tried her best to avoid sex with me, including gaining weight, constant physical ailments, etc. Now that we have separated, most of the complaints have gone away and she is losing weight.

I urge you to get counseling. There has to be a reason for the breakdown in the sexual side of your relationship and you need to address soon. You must be healed before you start another relationship or the emotional baggage you bring could doom a new relationship.

P.S. cheeps sounds very bitter. Don't let her bring you down any more than you are.

Name: cheeps New Member

And why no sex....did you ever TALK about it?? I cannot believe, oh wait, yes I do....that you gave up trust, love, and respect for some sex. I hope you come back here and have the guts to post why she wouldn't have sex.

My experience was that my EX decided to drink every night for the past 7 years. I asked him to quit, cut down, politely and never nagged. Finally I told him, no sex when you've been drinking....it is NO fun to make love to a beer bottle. I offered sex during the day...after the fumes cleared his system...he didn't take me up on it. So....no sex for last 5 years. Do you drink?