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Name: unhappy36..   Title: so guilty

Oh people out there, please be gentle, this is not an easy thing for me to type, but i have to let it out.I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 8,and we have 3 children.We have had a rocky relationship, we met when i was seperated from my 1st husband who i met and married at 21. We immediately started sleeping together and within a month we moved in together, i immediately became his wife i feel, as we didnt date at all. Our marriage has had lots of very tough moments, but we have always stuck it out,he had a rough childhood, and I was the one secure person in his life.Oh yes, bu the way,I am from England, and have no blood relatives here, so he is my world. About a year ago he decided to spice up our love life, which he thought had got very stale(I disagree)and we had a threesome.It was with a man.I already knew this person, and we were friends,but i would have never crossed that line, because I have only had eyes for my husband in 12 years, well, after the fun I just couldnt let this other person go, I becams obsessive about them ,and my marriage suffered.I knew there was no futuer with the new man, but I lied to my husband to stay in touch with him, which has cost me my family, as my husband has now left me, and is so hurt,he no longer loves me. I am very upset with myself, but also with him,for putting me in that situation in the first place, is it not something i asked for, I had never even considered it. I have always thought that my husband regretted his life with me, even if he didnt say so,and he wanted to soo other people, but wouldnt admit it to me. I am in complete agony, because i never meant to do this to him, and i am so deeply sorry for the pain i have caused him,and I miss him, and out life together so much. Im finding it hard to move on, and have zero support around me,i am not in a good place emotionally. I have been nothing but supportive of everything that my husband has ever done,but noe feel like i was the only one with a forgiving heart.I cannot afford propfessional help, and just dont know what to do...im losing myself in the grief of what I have done, of what i have thrown away. How do you get past it, by yourself, it seems just impossible?

Name: ddf72 New Member

I have found that most men/women that first give up on the sex in the marriage and then introduce a threesome with another person of their same sex are in complete denial of either their own same-sex tendencies or their own desire to set-up conflict in order to escape the relationship.

I am only stating an observations based on what I've seen in my own experiences.

Name: RelationalHarmony New Member

Unhappy 36, it's not a matter of saying you did nothing wrong, what counts is once we see clearly to reject it and realize we were duped. The apple in the garden. Even if it was your husband who made it happen, you can't undo your humiliation at going along. But you can forgive that person-of-the-past who didn't know better.

Is there any chance he would attend a healing event with you? Take a look at this survey.
http://www.relationalharmo
ny.org/page8/page8.php
Mayb
e
he would do it for the sake of your children. You'll be in a relationship with him for the rest of your children's lives, so the "class" that I do will be a huge help in navigating all that (plus I think it could lead to a new beginning between the 2 of you). I changed careers into this because of how powerful it is, not for money, so please reach out, especially if you're in the DC area. Or perhaps I'll have a trip in your area soon.

Name: baby lily New Member

it was all his fault. you are just a human being with sexual desires and when he wanted that threesome. Again, it was all his fault.

you should meet someone else or at least, make new friends in your area..

I'm sorry...:(
but I really hate guys who would put their wives in threesome just because they think that your sex is stale. He should know better things than involving another guy in a threesome. ].[

Don't be sorry. It was his fault. He's not worth it.

Name: misty

I do feel your pain. My advise is to not blame yourself. No man should ask his wife for a threesome so be it male or female partner.
My husband also did this to me except we had 3 of them all with women in our first 5 yrs of marriage.
Let him own up to his mistake. He brought it up.

Name: alicial67

unhappy36,
You need to forgive yourself for what happened. I agree he put you in that position and you fell for it...for that he is accountable. As for you..it's done there is no turning back but you need to move on and know that nobody is perfect.

Name: ragnarok07

It seems obvious to me that there is enough fault and guilt to go around here. Your husband must bear the lion's share. He was the one who wanted to "spice" things up. It sounds like that he did not value the love you gave him enough. He should NEVER have put you in that position.

Of course, you have some fault also. I think that you should have resisted the threesome more strongly and pushed him to find out why he thought he needed to "spice" things up.

Please do not despair. There are other avenues open to you. You MUST start reaching out to others. It is a very difficult thing to do. I went into an emotional black hole at the end of last year. To get out of the hole, I started telling friends and acquaintances about my situation. Some of them did not understand what was happening to me but most of the others did. I have found out that there are a lot more people in my situation than I first believed.

The on-line community is a great start but it is not a substitute
for real human contact.

If you cannot afford professional counseling, seek a sympathetic ear from the clergy or a divorce support group. I attend DivorceCare through a local church and it has helped myself and others.

It does seem that the burden is too much to bear at first. But with time, things do get better. It is a cliche but very true, believe me.

Best of luck to you. Stay in touch.