There is a difference between having disagreements with your partner and emotional abuse. If your partner is emotionally abusive to you, he may:
- refuse to acknowledge the value or self-worth of others;
- not listen;
- humiliate others;
- ignore logic;
- not take responsibility for hurting others;
- be jealous and possessive;
- often see himself as a martyr or victim; and
- make you feel guilty for no reason.
his type of behavior by your partner can leave you feeling out of control, weak, and/or humiliated. You may feel like you have to walk on egg shells to avoid confrontation and try to have to anticipate his moods and in order to keep the relationship at peace. You may also feel pressured into having sex and confused as to where you stand in the relationship. Basically, you may feel as though you are on a roller-coaster ride of good and bad times, and often you may even feel afraid and isolated from others. Emotional abuse usually happens slowly as a relationship progresses until one day you realize what’s happening and have to deal with it.
One single mother told me that while contemplating a divorce from her verbally abusive husband, her friends (at the time) told her she was crazy. They would say, “you’re gonna give up that nice vehicle… you won’t be able to have a house on your own.” She said that she realized that her number-one responsibility was to raise her son well and “everything else was secondary.” She said that today, although they live in a small apartment and she struggles with a busy schedule, she has a great job, good friends, and is much happier than before. She says, “I had to go it alone. It’s so much more important that [my son] sees me happy and that I teach him that material things don’t matter as much.” As you can see in this example, as hard as we try to improve our awareness and self-image, when you love someone, it’s easy to be blind to the existence and effects of emotional abuse.
It is important to remember that emotional abuse can also be traumatizing. When something bad happens to you, if you can’t resolve it in your mind or convey its intensity to others in order to get help, it probably caused you some sort of emotional damage. Emotional abuse is also harmful to a woman‘s self-esteem. According to the website Thisisawar.com (an educational resource which helps people deal with illness, grief, pregnancy, debt, and other personal issues), emotional abuse can have “serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and stomach problems.” Other symptoms include panic attacks, irritability, emotional numbness, eating irregularities, and insomnia. So how can you determine how much damage was done to you, and how can you fix it?
Scientists now have the technology to examine the brain and read the damage caused by emotional abuse through brain scans. According to recent research, these scans reveal such a trauma actually “changes the structure and function of the brain, at the point where the frontal cortex, the emotional brain and the survival brain converge.” One of their major findings was that scans of people who had experienced emotional abuse were similar in “structural and functional irregularities” to people diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
If you feel you are or have been a victim of emotional abuse, there is help. First, if possible, remove yourself from the abusive situation. If you can’t, then you should surround yourself with a network of people — family and friends — who can help you cope in such an unhealthy and often dangerous situation. You should also talk to a professional who will know how to help you through analysis and counseling. Under these circumstances, a professional will help you decide the best course of action for you. Couples therapy may be an answer or you may discover that it’s time for you to leave.
This brings up an interesting point. It’s very difficult for a lot of women to move on. I know several women who have stayed for years with partners who were abusive, neglectful, and unfaithful. Women who say they can’t leave (besides having very low self-images) usually have long-standing erroneous beliefs that keep them tied to these undeserving men. Some of these women believe that they cannot abandon their dysfunctional partners; that these men somehow need them in order to survive. Oh, really? If those men really needed them, they would fear losing them and smarten up! Some women tell themselves that their partners will change and eventually recognize their value and love. Wrong. That outlook puts off happiness and fulfillment until “someday”, which is when exactly? And deep down, do they believe it will ever really happen with this man? Other women believe that they will never find another man to love them so they stay with their abusers even though they are extremely unhappy. Why? Classic low self-esteem — even if this were true, I believe that a woman can be alone and happy (I was), which is far better than feeling miserable sharing your life with a sadistic man! Don’t make these mistakes. Acknowledge your value as a person who deserves love and respect. Recognize when something is really over.
One important thing to keep in mind is that the people in your life whom you love should make your life easier and add to your joy, not take away from it. Ask yourself: are you more often upset and confused than you are peaceful and happy? If so, then something is not right, and you should remedy the situation. If world events of the last few years have taught us anything, it’s not to waste a moment of life. Do what it takes to make yourself happy. Above all, be true to yourself. If you follow your heart, and you love honestly and openly, you will at the very least know that you gave your all and will have no regrets.
This article has been edited and excerpted from Boot Camp for the Broken-Hearted (New Horizon Press, 2008) by Audrey Valieriani. Based in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, Valeriani is the creator of TheAccidentalExpert.com, which provides relationship coaching.
I dealt with this for years and though I am now free, I struggle every day to watch my children go through it. Each time they come home from their father’s, I have to repair the damage and build them up. I am deeply afraid for their emotional health and feel completely helpless. It is a losing battle to prove my children are suffering. All I sound like is a bitter ex wife.
I’ve divorced my ex husband of 17 years a few years ago . But I can’t seem to break free.
why is this geared towards women? it just makes it seem impossible that a man might the victim. but we have far fewer resources to go to, and we face the additional stigma that society generally expects us to tough it out.
Amen brother – I just divorced a narcissistic & emotionally abusive woman who put me through hell for almost 13 years. The mediator in our case said that my ex was the second most difficult client she has worked with in 20 years of mediation.
I found it disturbing that most articles are written as the man being the abuser and dismissive that the man can be a victim of abuse.
Agreed gentlemen! Agreed! A very biased and incomplete or unfounded article. Not at all the complete or real situation.
My husband and I are divorcing after 33 years. He is very emotionally abusive, and cant even admit it. I have tried to hurt myself twice in the last 3 years, and he is the reason why. He makes me feel unwanted, unloved and unappreciated. He has also managed to get our 3 grown children on his side, so I will be left alone. It hurts A LOT, and he doesnt care. I wouldnt wish this on ANYONE!!!!!
I divorced my husband after 40 years, 5 months ago.
He too turned my son against me and now I am not allowed to see my 3 grandsons.
I left my narcissist sociopath husband after 40 years.
He turned my only child against me and now I do not get to see my grandchildren. You will not b alone if you supportive friends.
So what does a man do when he’s the victim? I mean I see that this article is written primarily from a woman’s perspective. But most often emotional abuse is the weapon of choice for a woman since they may not be capable of physical abuse. Besides women are smart enough to know physical abuse leaves physical marks that are easily noticeable. Spotting emotional abuse is far more difficult.
I jgot out of a seven year relationship with an abusive partner. At the time it just felt unfair and unpredictable. My 13 year old son amd I were always walking on egg shells trying to avoid her ever expanding sense of feeling offended. At least two friends tried to tell me that it was emotional abuse, but I just kept thinking that some kind of appeal to reason and fairness would thaw the ice.
She also did a good job of blaming me. At one point she was slamming doors and tables, drinking, and telling me that she had to shout me down because it was the only way I would listen. Her version of “listen” had come to mean agree with her. I gave her arguments creedance and did not draw a line on how she treated us. She was aleays threatening to walk out and often did.
My older son heard these stories and he too told me that if she had been a man we would immediately call her antics emotional abuse.
I finally called it off to protect the boy and myself because she convinced me in therapy that she was not going to listen. She walked back apologies and came up with excuses for outrageous behaviour. I realized that what I was calling her “unfairnes” would never end.
In the time that followed, anger gave way to reflection as I came to accept that I had been responsible for putting up with behavior that I had to admit was abusive. I still feel some shame for how I let her treat my kid. Anger was replaced by a rejection of what I had accommodated and through inaction, encouraged.
It took some time to come to a place where I could trust myself and feel emotionally healthy again.
My advice is if you feel like you are always walking on eggshells, get some honest assessment from good friends who care and will talk straight with you. You might be the poorest judge of how you are being treated. If you dont feel safe, your aren’t. So get yourself to a place that is emotionally safe. And if there is a child involved, do something quickly.
Don, I think most who live in abusive situations are poor judges of how we are being treated. Loving someone can cloud our judgment. We end up not only being their victim but a victim of the choices we make when we make excuses for them. Personally, I believe it takes a long time to get to a place of honest assessment.
Really too bad that the author of this article repeatedly blames the man for all the abuse! This is absolutely not true.
I know well. I suffered a wife that (she and her family) had no anger control and tended to violence when upset by something.
I’ve had my personal property (clothes, etc,) damaged and destroyed by her very much violently & intentionally. I was attacked by her slashing and jabbing a 12″ chef knife at me with a crazed look in her eyes while I sat at our family computer with my two young daughters booking a beach campground for us all to vacation.
Finally, my children and I suffered her hateful, & severe Parental Alienation Disorder, which has emotionally devastated my children, now young adults. It has left my youngest with horrid anger issues and schizophrenia. This was major crime, extreme emotional abuse to each of our children. All extremely done intentionaslly and maliciously.