Five Affairs

The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He wondered if his wife had been having an affair.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!” he said.

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been involved in an affair?”

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.” And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh my God!” she screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”

The Third Affair

A woman was having an affair. She was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

“Hurry!” she said, “Stand in the corner!” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the “statue”, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir,” the barman replies, “that’ll be one cent.”

“One cent!?” exclaims the guy. The barman nods. So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“Four cents”, he replies.

“Four cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

“Upstairs with my wife.”

“What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “Same as I’m doing to his business.”

The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

“My darling Becky,” he whispered.

“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest. Shhh, don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something I must confess to you.”

“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky. “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”

“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I…I had many affairs. I even slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”

“I know,” Becky whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”