Whether your divorce has been a long time coming or has blindsided you, it’s an inherently scary prospect. There are many changes ahead, many tasks to take on, and feelings to deal with. Understanding the psychological reasons why divorce is scary and what you can do to combat them will help you move forward emotionally and be better prepared for what is to come.
Here Are the Psychological Reasons Why Divorce Is Scary
Fear of the Unknown
Divorce brings with it many unknowns. How will custody of the children be shared? Who will keep the house? Where will the family dog go? What will happen to your retirement and investment accounts? Will you receive spousal support? Will you have to pay child support? These aren’t just little unknowns; they are big ones that can significantly impact the next chapter of your life.
As humans, and some more than others, we naturally like to know what to expect. Knowing what is going to happen helps people feel more in control and gives them a sense of comfort. It also helps them prepare for what comes next. Not knowing how the divorce and everything in it will shake out frequently induces fear. Your mind can run wild with all the negative possibilities.
How to Fight Back
It is essential during this stressful time that you focus on the things you do have control over. You have control over hiring an attorney, getting mental health counseling, taking care of yourself and your children, taking steps to negotiate a divorce settlement, and your actions. You can also focus on the positive changes that are ahead. Perhaps you are leaving an abusive relationship or looking forward to meeting new people and maybe even dating again.
Overwhelmed by the Logistics
Putting emotions aside, the logistics of a divorce alone are stressful. There are many decisions that need to be made:
- Dividing assets
- Potentially moving
- Figuring out custody
- Negotiating alimony and child support
These are significant decisions that will affect your life for many years to come. Focusing on what you really want and negotiating a settlement for it can be mentally draining.
How to Fight Back
Instead of looking at your divorce process as one big insurmountable task, divide it up into smaller tasks. Pick one decision that needs to be made or a proposal that needs to be put forth, such as who will keep the family home. Focus on that task alone, perhaps writing down your wishes and the pros and cons to keeping the home. Once this task is complete, move on to another.
Embarrassment
Divorcing spouses may find themselves embarrassed over one or several things about their divorce. All of a sudden, attorneys, judges, and other parties are going to know a lot about their personal lives. Perhaps you feel shame about how you’ve handled money in the past, had an affair, or don’t have positive relationships with your children. Maybe you feel social or religious shame for getting a divorce. These feelings of shame and embarrassment can grow to be overwhelming and make you scared to move forward.
How to Fight Back
Unfortunately, you can’t change the past. The skeletons might fall out of the closet, and you must learn to be okay with that as a part of the divorce process. You aren’t the only one who has ever felt embarrassment or shame over your divorce. In fact, many people have probably dealt with much worse than you. Remember that you are making the best decisions you can for yourself and your family. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed by that.
Triggering Emotions
Divorce not only comes with its own emotions, but it can also trigger emotions from your past. Divorce can be especially traumatic for those who have had previous attachment or depression issues. Although the situations might be different and your trauma may be from decades ago, the meaning of the divorce process and the process of separating from a loved one can trigger past traumas regarding issues around attachment. Spouses with past addictions or maladaptive coping mechanisms are particularly at risk due to the intensity of emotions that may come with the divorce.
How to Fight Back
Focus on how this situation is different from your previous situations. If you learned or used any coping mechanisms to deal with those emotions then, use them again. You may also want to seek professional counseling if your feelings become overwhelming or debilitating. Emotions are natural, and it’s okay to feel and process them. Sometimes in order to fight back, that’s exactly what you need to do.
Financial Concerns
Money gives people a sense of security. Knowing that they can provide for themselves and their families and even have some luxuries gives life stability. Divorce creates a lot of financial concerns which can make divorce scary:
- How will you pay for your divorce?
- Will you receive alimony or child support?
- Will you have to pay alimony or child support?
- How will your assets be divided?
How to Fight Back
These are all valid questions and concerns. However, focusing on how scary the answers to these questions could be won’t help. Instead, think about what you need and what you can do to meet your needs. Maybe you need more job training or to look for a career. Maybe you need to start your own financial accounts. Maybe you need to build a case to get the alimony or child support you need. You may even want to consider talking to a financial advisor. Taking charge of what you can when it comes to financial concerns can help empower you to make sound financial decisions.
Divorce is scary for many reasons. Be sure to get the support that you need from family, friends, and mental health professionals. Seeking legal help can also be a form of support. An experienced divorce lawyer like those at Bannister & Wyatt can help make the divorce process easier on you, calming some of your fears.
Yani Smith is a Legal Marketing Manager at Haskins and Company, a law firm marketing agency based out of Greenville. Prior to becoming an experienced marketing professional in the plaintiff’s legal space, Yani handled marketing campaigns for one of the country’s biggest insurance companies. www.haskins.co
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