12 Reasonable Expectations that Could Save Your Marriage

The early days, months and sometimes even years of marriage can be idyllic, but that almost always changes. Certainly, early attraction and the span of time when the relationship is new and each person is at their best is a beautiful time.

This is when the elements are fresh and the couple is discovering each other. Their lives can revolve around each other. Yet, just as life evolves, so do relationships – and for a relationship to evolve successfully, it almost always comes down to accepting the fact that change is imminent.

Couples often hold on to expectations that were fulfilled at the beginning of their relationship, but these expectations can become unreasonable as the marriage moves through the years. Accepting new reasonable expectations is vital for a marriage to be satisfying and a happy one.

While each person has their own needs, there are some reasonable expectations – a “Bill of Marital Rights” – that should be considered givens. These expectations focus on how each partner treats the other and the degree to which each one matters varies with each partner.

Yet, before looking at what reasonable expectations are for a long-term relationship, let’s look at how early conditions in a relationship can become unreasonable expectations over time as the relationship dynamics change. Relationship conditions that likely existed early on can become the key culprits that can cause an unhappy marriage if the change isn’t accepted as normal and probable. In a nutshell, these include expecting that:

• your spouse should fulfill your every need;
• your spouse should serve as the primary source of your happiness;
• your spouse should fill all of your companionship needs – and that you should fill theirs;
• your spouse should mirror what is important to you;
• you should always be the center of attention to your spouse;
• the excitement and passion should continue as it was earlier in your relationship.

While early on, some or many of the above were likely a part of your being together, they don’t usually maintain at the same intensity over the years.

12 Reasonable Expectations that Could Save Your Marriage

As the relationship changes and evolves, it grows only by accepting – and fulfilling – reasonable expectations, which include:

1. Commitment in the marriage,
2. Verbal affection,
3. Compassion and empathy for each other’s feelings,
4. Respect for each other,
5. Consideration for each other’s differences,
6. Spending quality time with each other – while understanding that each spouse has other time commitments,
7. Showing interest in each other and what each is involved with, including opinions and ideas, work and activities,
8. Physical closeness: hugging, holding hands, touching, and other simple physical gestures count and are vital no matter what the couple’s sexual life is like
9. Generosity of thought, spirit, and action towards each other,
10. Acknowledging that there are other important people in each spouse’s life: friends, their family, colleagues, etc.
11. Making time and creating opportunities to have fun and laugh together,
12. Open communication and sincere listening to each other – which can easily fail if there isn’t an effort to continually work on it. This includes discussing each other’s thoughts and needs and hopes for the future they share or have individually.

Without expressing these important issues, a couple can easily drift apart as time passes.

This reasonable expectation – open and honest communication – is the most important one for all of the others to happen.

How Do You and Your Spouse Interact?

As a relationship and divorce coach, I talk to clients who believe they have done all they could to make their marriage work. So I put them to the test and ask them about the quality of how they interact with each other. One simple exercise is asking them to make a list of the top ten topics they have talked about together over the past month and another ten things they have done together during that time. Usually, the list of topics they have talked about includes:

1. money/bills,
2. household chores,
3. meals,
4. complaints,
5. problems,
6. what happened that day,
7. kids and their activities/needs,
8. something they disagreed over,
9. something they need their spouse to do or not do,
10. small talk.

The top ten things they have done together over the past month usually includes:

1. money/bills,
2. household chores,
3. meals,
4. complaints,
5. problems,
6. what happened that day,
7. kids and their activities/needs,
8. something they disagreed over,
9. something they need their spouse to do or not do,
10. small talk.

There is nothing abnormal or inherently wrong with these responses because rudimentary tasks are a necessary part of marriage, but crucial elements that are missing include spending quality time with just each other and sharing meaningful discussions: things important to each of them, individually and as a couple.

When a couple realizes how they have been neglecting to communicate on a deeper level (an inherently crucial reasonable expectation and vital in a healthy relationship) and time together one-on-one, there is a good possibility they can make the necessary changes that can turn their relationship around.

Reasonable Expectations: Your Bill of Marital Rights

When change is not accepted and the basic acceptable expectations – the Bill of Marital Rights – are not met, there is likely a longing for what was lost (the past) coupled with a failure to move into the future (refusing to let the relationship evolve as it needs to).

No matter what stage a marriage is at, if there is enough interest in holding the marriage together, the couple needs to revamp the way they treat each other: agreeing to sit down and discuss their relationship and what each partner needs from the other – even discussing the Bill of Marital Rights and what each partner needs from it.

The pair should agree to reinstate quality time together doing things as a couple, which are not only acceptable expectations but also vital ones. Quality time can include anything that will enhance closeness: walks, date nights, couple rituals (even something as simple as morning coffee together), making a romantic meal to share while the kids are with their grandparents, hobbies, travel, quiet time to just talk. Just time together as a couple.

Over time, meaningful communication and quality time together can return if the couple works each day to make it happen, but both partners need to make a commitment.

In essence, it is crucial to examine your personal situation: reasonable expectations for your marriage that you and your spouse have (or don’t have) or practice vs. unreasonable expectations at whatever stage your relationship is at.  Accepting the fact that everything in life changes – including marriage – can help you focus on reality and what the possibilities are for you both. Letting go of what was and working toward what can be is the answer to rebuilding something beautiful.