Over the last few decades, research by child development experts has demonstrated numerous benefits to children when their living arrangements enable support from both parents. One reason is that parents who co-parent tend to experience lower conflict than those who have sole custody arrangements. Studies show that conflict is what creates the most pain and anguish for children after their parents split, and that keeping parental disagreements to a minimum is a key aspect of helping kids become resilient. Although co-parenting has many benefits, by making a few changes, high conflict relationships might find that parallel parenting is actually best suited for their family dynamic instead.
Very few experts discuss the drawbacks of co-parenting when parents don’t get along or have high-conflict relationships. According to parenting expert, Dr. Edward Kruk, children of divorce benefit from strong and healthy relationships with both parents and they need to be shielded from their parents’ conflicts. He writes, “Some parents, however, in an effort to bolster their parental identity, create an expectation that children choose sides. In more extreme situations, they foster the child’s rejection of the other parent. In the most extreme cases, children are manipulated by one parent to hate the other, despite children’s innate desire to love and be loved by both parents.”
According to author Virginia Gilbert, MFT, co-parenting is an option only when both ex-spouses support the other parent and respect their right to have a good relationship with the children. She writes, “But some people never get to acceptance. They become, essentially, addicted to anger. They convince themselves that the other parent is incompetent, mentally ill, or dangerous. They transmit this conviction directly or indirectly not only to the children, but also to school staff, mental health professionals and anyone else who will listen.”
Many experts recommend parallel parenting as an option to parents who are adversarial. But what exactly are the differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting? In order to answer that question, I will illustrate key aspects of each of these approaches to post-divorce parenting.
What Is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting describes a parenting situation where the parents are not in a marriage, cohabitation, or romantic relationship with one another. In the United States, co-parenting often describes a parenting situation in which two separated or divorced parents take care of their children.
The term ‘co-parent’ may also be used to describe a situation where, following divorce or separation, the child’s parents seek to maintain equal or equivalent responsibility for the child’s upbringing. In principle, it states that a child has always and in any case the right to maintain a stable relationship with both parents, even if they are separated or divorced, unless there is a recognized need to separate him/her from one or both parents.
Co-parenting, at its best, is a wonderful opportunity for children of divorce to have close to equal access to both parents – to feel it is okay to love both of their parents. Dr. Joan Kelly, a renowned psychologist reminds us that the outcomes for children of divorce improve when they have positive bonds with both parents. These include better psychological and behavioral adjustment, and enhanced academic performance.
Keep in mind that when you co-parent, communicating with your former spouse is going to be necessary for the length of your children’s childhood into young adulthood. This may include special events, graduations – and perhaps even weddings. It’s important to keep clear boundaries so that your children wouldn’t harbor fantasies that you will reconcile. For the most part, this means less personal sharing and focusing on exchanging information and cooperation so you can make good decisions about your children.
Let’s face it, communication with your ex is key to successful co-parenting. It’s a good idea to sit down with your ex and come up with a few strategies to encourage your children to cooperate with their “parenting time” schedule. For instance, you may decide to make different arrangements for drop off and pick up. Most importantly, it’s crucial that your children see that you and your former spouse are working together for their well-being.
Next, you may need to examine the “parenting time” schedule to make sure that it’s working for your children. For example, the younger child will adjust better if they are not transitioning between houses too frequently and adolescents usually want more control over their schedule due to school, activities, and time with friends. They may develop resentment toward you if they can’t make some decisions about their schedule.
Loyalty Conflicts
Over the years, I’ve interviewed many children of divorce who describe the pressure of loyalty conflicts. Lauren, a lively 13-year-old speaks candidly about her struggle to cope with divided loyalties since age nine. She recalls, “It was really hard to interact with both of my parents after their divorce. When they were saying nasty things about each other, I just never wanted to take sides.”
In fact, loyalty conflicts can make some kids feel as if they don’t want to spend time with both parents. Lauren continues, “I felt like I had to keep my mom’s new boyfriend a secret because my dad didn’t have a girlfriend for awhile. When my dad asked me if my mom had a boyfriend, I didn’t know how to deal with it so I said I wasn’t sure.” Lauren’s story reminds us that children should never be used as a messenger between their parents post-divorce. Let them enjoy their childhood and think about how you want them to remember you when they grow up.
What Is Parallel Parenting?
While co-parenting is usually the best decision for children, it takes two special parents to navigate this arrangement over time. Interacting with each other at drop-offs, making shared decisions, or even speaking to an ex who you’d rather forget can be a challenge.
What is a good solution for parents who want to attempt to co-parent when they have high conflict? According to Dr. Kruk, “Parallel parenting is an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited direct contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner.”
Here are five guidelines to help with parallel parenting:
- All communication must be non-personal and business-like in nature and relate to information relevant to your children’s well-being.
- Parents never use their children as messengers to communicate back and forth.
- No changes to the schedule are made without written agreement.
- No personal information is shared with the other parent in any form.
- To minimize conflict, schedules are shared via a calendar or in writing.
In other words, parallel parenting allows parents to remain disengaged with one another while they remain close to their children. For instance, they remain committed to making responsible decisions (medical, education, etc) but decide on the logistics of day-to-day parenting separately. Parallel parenting allows the dust to settle in high conflict situations and may lay the groundwork for co-parenting if parents can put aside their hostilities and grievances. Ultimately, both parallel parenting and co-parenting can benefit kids if parents consider what’s in their children’s best interests.
What Are the Benefits of Co-Parenting and Parallel Parenting for Kids?
The five benefits are that children will:
- Feel a sense of security. Children who maintain a close bond with both parents and are more likely to have higher self-esteem.
- Have better psychological adjustment into adulthood. My research showed that adults raised in divorced families report higher self-esteem and fewer trust issues if they had close to equal time with both parents.
- Most likely grow up with a healthier template for seeing their parents cooperate. This is true even if they practice parallel parenting and are disengaged as long as they are respectful.
- Foster good communication skills. By cooperating with their other parent, you establish a life pattern of healthy relating that can carry your children into their future. This includes graduations, weddings, and family events.
- Have better problem-solving skills. Children and adolescents who witness their parents cooperate are more likely to learn how to effectively resolve problems themselves.
- Feel a sense of security. Children who maintain a close bond with both parents and are more likely to have higher self-esteem.
- Have better psychological adjustment into adulthood. My research showed that adults raised in divorced families report higher self-esteem and fewer trust issues if they had close to equal time with both parents.
- Most likely grow up with a healthier template for seeing their parents cooperate. This is true even if they practice parallel parenting and are disengaged as long as they are respectful.
- Foster good communication skills. By cooperating with their other parent, you establish a life pattern of healthy relating that can carry your children into their future. This includes graduations, weddings, and family events.
- Have better problem-solving skills. Children and adolescents who witness their parents cooperate are more likely to learn how to effectively resolve problems themselves.
The key to successful co-parenting and parallel parenting after divorce is to keep the focus on your children – and to maintain a cordial relationship with your ex-spouse. Most importantly, you want your children to see that their parents are working together for their well-being. Never use them as messengers because when you ask them to tell their other parent something for you, it can make them feel stuck in the middle. It’s best to communicate directly with your ex and lessen the chances your children will experience divided loyalty.
The following are suggestions based on my own experience and advice from experts. First of all, it’s paramount that you gear your parenting plan to the age of your children and that it is consistent. Try to develop routines for them leaving and coming home when they are young. As they reach adolescence, strive to be more flexible and adapt to their changing needs.
Tips to Help Kids Live Happily in Two Homes
For children under age 10:
- Reassure them that they have two parents who love them. If they balk at going to their other parent’s home, you can say something like “Even though mom and dad aren’t married anymore we both still love you and are good parents.”
- Maintain a cordial, business-like relationship with your ex–spouse. It’s important not to express anger at your ex in front of your children so they don’t have to choose sides.
- Help your kids anticipate changes in their schedule. Planning ahead and helping them pack important possessions can benefit them. However, keep items to a bare minimum. Most parents prefer to have duplicate items for their kids on hand.
- Encourage your younger child to adhere to their parenting time schedule – being consistent with their schedule will help your kids feel secure. Younger children often benefit from avoiding frequent shifts between homes.
- Show enthusiasm or be neutral about their visit with their other parent. It’s important to put your differences with your ex aside and to promote your children’s positive bond with them.
For children over age 10 to young adulthood:
- Be understanding about your teen’s schedule. At times, teens may have difficulty juggling their busy life with school, extracurricular activities, friends, and jobs if they start working.
- Encourage them to spend time with their friends and extended family (on both sides). Avoid giving them the impression that being with their friends is not as important as spending time with you.
- Plan activities with them that might include their friends at times – such as sporting events or movies. Encourage opportunities for them to bond with peers at both homes.
- Respect your teen’s need for autonomy and relatedness. Researcher Dr. Robert E. Emery writes, “Teenagers naturally want more freedom, but they also want and need relationships with their parents, though your adolescent may be unwilling to admit this.”
It’s important to consider that your children may not have the wisdom, insight, and clarity to make decisions about spending time with both of their parents on their own and can benefit from your guidance. Researcher Dr. Emery writes, “According to leading experts in developmental and clinical psychology, there really are only two critical aspects of parent-child relationships: love and parental authority.” Your role as a parent is to help your children adjust to divorce and setting boundaries, routines, and limits is an important aspect of parenting.
Finally, recognize that your ex is your children’s parent and deserves respect for that reason alone. Modeling cooperation and polite behavior sets a positive tone for co-parenting. When children are confident of the love of both of their parents, they will adjust more easily to divorce. Keeping your differences with your ex away from your children will open up opportunities to move beyond divorce in the years to come.
- Reassure them that they have two parents who love them. If they balk at going to their other parent’s home, you can say something like “Even though mom and dad aren’t married anymore we both still love you and are good parents.”
- Maintain a cordial, business-like relationship with your ex–spouse. It’s important not to express anger at your ex in front of your children so they don’t have to choose sides.
- Help your kids anticipate changes in their schedule. Planning ahead and helping them pack important possessions can benefit them. However, keep items to a bare minimum. Most parents prefer to have duplicate items for their kids on hand.
- Encourage your younger child to adhere to their parenting time schedule – being consistent with their schedule will help your kids feel secure. Younger children often benefit from avoiding frequent shifts between homes.
- Show enthusiasm or be neutral about their visit with their other parent. It’s important to put your differences with your ex aside and to promote your children’s positive bond with them.
Great advice
Great overview of Parallel Parenting and it is a welcome, sobering perspective to communicate when there is so much in the media about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner still behaving as if they are a family, Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin etc. – and people commenting as if these people are martyrs and there is no other way to do divorce and shared custody. Parellel Parenting is necessary when dealing with a high conflict ex (and that includes when the ex is high conflict with a step-parent). But it’s purpose isn’t just to reduce conflict – it is to reduce the air time given to an ex.
This article doesn’t cover parenting with a cluster b personality. Not always both parents have their children’s best interest at heart. Not always a parent is able to love unconditionally. These sociopaths will use their children and the system to manipulate and maintain control and continued abuse of their ex spouse. What about these cases? Would the non-conflictive parent be at fault for exposing a narcissist? Would that fall under the claims regarding parents who can’t let go of anger and convince themselves that their former spouse is mentally ill? What, then, when they ARE mentally ill?
Thank you for addressing this issue. I can’t seem to find articles relating to these concerns and I am dealing with them personally. Thank you for pointing this out, it is good to know I am not alone.
I’ve read the thread. Appreciate all the comments. I co-parent since my child was 7 months old. Guess what? It didnt’t work out…we kept it moving with civility. Our child loves us both. Exactly how it should be. Co-parenting is not easy BUT if you can manage to love your child more than your EGO than you can do it.
I’m with you on this one. It is a very different set of ‘rules’ when parenting with a narcissist. I do not personally deal with it, but a number of families I counsel with do, and I’ve been the target of attack from the other parent when they do not like my helping the child and parent manage the attacks. I’ve ‘gathered’ a few articles with good suggestions when dealing with specifically a narcissistic parent, but could also help with other personality disorders (Borderline…). The links follow. Every situation is different, but maybe something in one of these can help support you. My heart goes out to you in your effort to parent your children with good emotional health.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-do-instead
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/6-things-to-know-if-youre-parenting-with-a-narcissist_us_55bbc28de4b0d4f33a02c401
http://thenarcissisticlife.com/co-parenting-with-a-narcissist/
http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/co-parenting-narcissist/
No, see the problem is, judges don’t consider the parent’s personalities. My ex husband is a big time sociopath. Unfortunately, he is able to put on his cooperative act whenever the legal system gets involved. He is so good at it, that the professionals (attorneys and judges) don’t see his true self. I have spent four years trying to fight it out between the legal system and my ex, to no avail. Even though with me, his is uncooperative, constantly violates court orders, refuses to communicate with me, he still manages to maintain 50% legal custody. Sadly, someone being a sociopath is not enough for a judge to grant the other parent sole legal custody, even though that would be the best outcome for a child when one parent is a sociopath. My ex is so hell bent on making me miserable, that his interests are not on our child, rather, they are on making me look bad by making up stories and making life difficult for me. That’s what it’s about for him.
omg you are describing my daughter and her borderline personality ex to the T. It’s all about giving parenting rights to the parent with mental issues without supervision until that parent does something to end the visitation but that usually is too late. Tragic Events are happening more and more as these family court judges give these people unsupervised visits claiming a violation to their parenting rights. My heart tugs for you as I know exactly what you are going thru. Don’t sling mud at him as Karma will kick him in the ass. Children grow up forming their own opinions and like mine have nothing to do with their father. It is a long road, be patient, it will get better.
I am going through the exact same thing with the narcissist. It’s such a nightmare. Not all cases are cookie cutter like the courts want them to be. I appreciate knowing there are others out there going through the same and that I’m not alone because it certainly feels that way.
Clearly described, and important for parents to know when divorcing.
This article makes no mention of what happens when past and current abuse is part of the equation. It is naive to think that all parents are interested in the well being of their children. Article such as this, reinforce the abusers efforts to continue abuse after a divorce.
I absolutely agree with you on this. There seems to be no way to deal with a parent who is “out to get” the other and yet at the same time you’re supposed to be the parent that has to do the right thing all the time. How do you deal with the nasty parent in a protective way without looking like you’re not “co-parenting”. There is no such thing as parallel parenting, in my opinion, when you’re dealing with an abusive parent.
I agree with everything you said. I am the product of divorced parents and pulled back and forth mentally by them both.
My dad remarried and my step mother never interfered with anything.
My daughter has an ex that is in need of love by a woman and has a girlfriend that runs his life, mostly to create problems. He refuses to co-parent, which he was doing before the girlfriend.
This is the norm each time he gets a girlfriend.
The other problem lies with the other set of grandparents. They along with the ex continue to speak awful things about my daughter and the children here this.
My granddaughter is almost five and as of now she seems to be good, but I do see little things.
My grandson is in therapy and on three types of medication and has threatened to kill himself and is only seven years old.
So what should she do, if nothing works and she has tried.
Co-parenting or parallel parenting is impossible when the other parent is a sociopath.,
The child should not be exposed to this abuse! The child is court ordered. I am court ordered. Everyday our well being suffers as we are forced to engage with an abuser. Until the family courts Start treating domtstic violence against woman and children as the CRIME!! That is is… THE CHILDREN SUFFER!!!!
Seven years in family court trying to protect my child!
My child derives peace!
I have the same issues with an abusive (both mentally and physically) wife. She was used to getting her way because we as men are taught that our wives are our princesses but what happens when your princess treats you and the kids as if they are beneath her and need to obey her. She would always escalate the conflicts from verbal bashing to the occasional physical hits. Don’t get me wrong, she would not fist fight, just a couple of hits here an there just to show her dominance since she knew that I would never hit a woman. I have several black belts and still could not defend my self from her verbal abuse. She would do the same to the kids, mentally abuse them and if that was not enough, physically hit them. I am currently going through the divorce process right now and Parallel parenting is working fine. I don’t need to speak or do anything with her and communication is minimal and usually in the form of an email or text, that’s it. I would like to continue that.
I’m so sorry to hear that your going through this. I was in the same. without knowing what it was called I was enforcing a parallel parenting style to minimize conflict and contact. It has worked for the most part quite well. As a man I really have felt alone. Men don’t generally socialize around such issues and I’ve yet to find a group or other man who is going through the same thing. The thing I have to hang onto is my relationship with my kids which I cherish. all this to say I think something is needed out there for men who have been abused and are now divorced/or going though it to get the support they need. Hang in there brother…
Now, I see this from a different point of view. I am married to a man who has a daughter from a previous marriage. While I am all about healthy co-parenting, my situation makes it difficult to keep that view.
I’ve been married to the man for 2 years and I am witnessing a steady shift in how I get treated compared to how he treats his ex-wife. She is the cluster b type. My sd gets one bath during the week. It is a miracle if she actually gets her teeth brushed. Unfortunately, my husband feels that he cannot cause a single argument with her. So when he actually tells me when stuff is going on, I feel compelled to speak my mind. He will then go right to the ex-wife’s defense!!! These are things that, if I were to suggest them, he would tell me I was nuts. He openly admits that his ex-wife’s feelings are more important than mine because she has his child.
Now, as I said, I completely agree with co-parenting when healthy boundaries are in play, but this is getting ridiculous. Any thoughts on this anyone?
I am in a relationship where my boyfriends ex makes him visit kids at her home. He rides to pick them up from school with her. Is this healthy for children to constantly see them together acting like a family. Does this give them false hope? If not how do I adjust so I don’t feel awful.
My childs Dad visits us every day. . I didn’t want that, but he insisted! It’s like form of torture for me and really unhealthy as I constantly feel stressed by him. I would try and find out the true reasons as to why he does it?
The father of my children was domestically violent/power and control issues. Moreover has a gambling addiction. Co parenting has been a nightmare. He believes that coparenting means he can still have power over me in an intimate fashion. My parents coparented but they respected they each other as parents. More importantly thought each parent played an important role in my life. My ex alienates my daughter to say horrendous things about me to psychologist. It is apparent she has been coached. Because when we are together (supervised until we go to mediation) my kids are all over me. Two days after my father passed he filed for Sole Custody and took my kids without telling me. He is a degreed degenerate 42 year old living at his mom’s house in the barrio with 6 adults (3 are degreed) in a two bedroom house and one bathroom. There are two permit challenged tiny wannabe apartments in the back. The living arrangements are a step above squalor. I come from an upper middle class family and my father’s estate has left me fiscally postured with equity and monies. We will be moving to the suburbs in a few years and all my kids can talk about is space related wants. Private bathrooms etc. this is such a waste of resources! how can I keep him from creating custody battles every 15 months. As an educator I know my children will become emotionally disturbed.
I’ve been divorced now for 7 years and it gets harder and harder to coparent as my kids get older. My ex is stuck in the mind frame that our kids are still 6 & 3, the ages they were when we divorced. He doesn’t allow himself to move forward and he’s just not capable of changing. I have been parallel parenting for a few years now, but never knew there was an actual term for it! I’m a business woman and decided I needed to treat my ex like a business client in order to cope. At work we use a shared calendar to inform the group of meetings and PTO. I thought, why not do this in my personal life. Then the onus is on my ex, too. Both parties need to participate in order for this to work! My ex isn’t abusive, takes our kids on his scheduled time, pays minimal child support, and abides by our PSA. However, my ex is heavily influenced by his current wife who has get own agenda, and it does include the well being of my children. So I will say that outside influences can affect the co-parenting relationship. Also, get yourself some therapy so you can learn coping strategies and let yourself heal from the heartache of realizing things didn’t turn out the way you thought they would.
I’d love to have a healthy coparenting situation. However, it is not the case right now. My daughter just turned 2 years old and her Father has been sporatically in and out of her life since she was a few months old. We are finally divorced and the final judgement gave him every other weekend with 2 overnights. He hasn’t even made contact with us in over 4 months and before then only spent one or two hours with her. Now, I just learned where he is living. He is known for having roomates in and out of his apartment “transients” from other countries etc. He refuses to tell me names of anyone – basically tells me nothing. His first weekend with her is coming up and this is my question: What, if any, information am I legally allowed? What if there is an emergency? He knows almost nothing about what her daily routine is, her likes etc. I write to him and he doesn’t acknowledge the information I provide him about her. She has asthma and special treatments twice a day… I’m just looking out for my baby girl. I want this transition to go as smoothly as possible.
My child was born from entrapment. It was a desperate effort by his borderline mother to avoid abandonment by keeping me from moving away to be with somebody else. Realizing how troubled she was, I went ahead and moved to another state and hoped for the best. Unfortunately, it turned out the child was mine.Despite the distance, I tried to work with his mom and make myself part of his life the best I could. She constantly used him to manipulate me in order to get attention, comfort and money. By the time he was five, t’d had enough. Working with a therapist I learned about parallel parenting and low contact parenting. I learned that I would probably never have a normal relationship with my son, but I could be part of his life and he would know who I was. It was never easy. For a personality disordered person the child is an extension of them. In their mind, your relationship with the child is a relationship with her/him. You have to go to great lengths to create boundaries in order to stay involved with a child you have little influence over. And yet, if you didn’t keep your distance—emotional and physical—you’d have no relationship at all.
The behavior of borderlines, narcissists and sociopaths is often subtle. In court, it becomes he said, she said. The courts are ill-equipped to recognize these very sick people. Because of the decisions you have to make, you often appear like the person who ruined the relationship with the child, but the child is a pawn and you’re forced to protect yourself and your family (If you married somebody else and had children.)
Eventually, my child became so alienated and enmeshed with his mother, and was causing so much emotional disruption and chaos for me and my family, I had to move on. It was advice a therapist game me. I couldn’t save my son, so I had to save my wife and our child from a very toxic situation. My hope is that he and I can repair our relationship once he’s away from his mother, but I think the odds of that are 50/50 at best.
At any rate, parallel parenting allowed me to at least know mason, and for him to know me. It’s better than never knowing him…I guess.
here it is over a year later and not much has been done with this problem and the narcs continue to grow in numbers.. serial marrying as many people as possible and destroying lives along the way while the courts yell at the innocent party and demand they go to co-parenting counseling which cost tons of money. We are sick of the courts being lazy and putting all the problems on the healthy spouse to clean up their messes. when will they wake up?
What do you do when the ex has a previously diagnosed mental illness and before any issues became violent in the home and had to be removed from the home. Then the ex files for divorce and still has not treated for mental illness and lives with her attorney and his wife. The ex now acts scared of the father and still acts angrily to the kids? There is no communication and acts as if I do not exist.
Thank you, this article was very helpful. I do have a question. Although we are separated and still going through the divorce, my soon to be ex moved into an apartment across from her boyfriend three weeks after they made the committment. My son, 13 years, doesn’t feel comfortable with him over almost every night and witnessed some post sexual intimacy. He is asking me if he could stay with me a majority of the time. Personally I am open to the idea but I stated we had to abide by the current plan. His mom deserves to be with someone and it was inevitable that she would find that person. I encouraged him to talk to his mom and see if they could work something out. It didn’t go well. My daughter is five and is not really understanding the situation. Should I talk about changing the plan or still encourage him to work this out with his mom?
Seems like good advice. If you can develop a good relationship with the ex… Co-parent.
If you are dealing with an angry psychopath, cluster B, or the like… Parallel Parent. By the book.
This sounds like science fiction when the other side is a narcissist and both children (4 and 7yr) don’t want to go with him and the older one comes home telling me “daddy doesn’t love us as you do”. Because he only loves himself, that’s why. Even parallel parenting is difficult.
Yeah this sad I have the same sort of problem my ex wife was a drunk for 29 years I don’t she knows that she has a drinking problem Its all onesided and I never see the kids never have any birthdays or any fathers day celebration O just wanna forget all about them and the toxic lifestyle that she lives drinking and driving all the time and gambling last time I visited them I took off early next morning and I dont wanna return to that disgusting town and its toxic lifestyle not to mention my elderest son is always in prison I give up just wanna get on with the rest of my life that I have left Warren moving on
They was drinking and drugging and gambling last time I visited them shes controlling and wont give me a go at the kids I never get time to spend with them my youngest son still hasn.t got a birth certificate and I tryed to help him get it a number of times when he did visit me last time my elder son who.s 41 now is using ice with this no good girlfriend and debbie my ex allows her to stay in the house where they live tired of the way they live my daughter was getting bashed by her boyfriend but there’s nothing I can do because she lives alittle bit to far away for me to get there in a hurry now contact and communication have been stopped by this silly mother of their.s Im over it all moving on with my life Warren thanks everyone if you have any good advice let me know lifes only short everyone bye for now warren 🙄🙄😊👎🤙🤘👃✌