Advice from John Gray

Dear John,
After ten years, the man I love just walked out my life. He just packed up, left no note, not even a phone call. I came home, and he was gone. None of his friends knew what was going on. A week later, he called to tell me that he went back to Florida to live with his mother. I don’t know what to do! I love this man with all my heart. He says he loves me, but that he can’t live with me any more. He is thirty-seven. He seemed happy, and he loved his job and our son. Everyone is telling me to wait six months and he’ll be back. I want to believe them but he doesn’t call or write. What should I do? It’s making me sick and our son is just beside himself. Is there any hope for us?
— Still Waiting, in Connecticut

Dear Waiting,
This certainly sounds like a painful situation. Right now the message he needs to hear is that you love him and miss him, and that he should take the time he needs to make up his mind about what he wants to do with his life. You may also let him know that his son also misses him, and that he would appreciate a periodic phone call from him during this time of indecision. Honestly, it is rare for someone to just walk away from an established relationship, particularly when children are involved. You don’t mention any issues that may have come up that would have motivated him to make such a drastic move, but my hunch is that there is something else going on that inspired his behavior.

I would suggest that, should he make the decision to give the relationship a second try, you consider exploring what caused him to feel the need to leave. There are ways to encourage better/stronger communication between you two, and it may be that he felt he was unable to share his feelings with you. It may also be that he has taken an easy way out of a tough situation. This is a difficult situation to solve in this format as I imagine there is much more going on here than what is on paper. That being said, you need to take care of yourself and your son, and consider how long youre willing to wait for him to make up his mind. I would suggest talking with someone about this issue to help you sort your next steps, and also to help you begin to heal. With your heart and feelings on the line, reaching out for some professional help is a very good idea. Good luck to you.

Dear John,
I am in the process of recovering from an eating disorder known as bulimia. I have been hospitalized four times in the last four years. The last time, I almost died. Every time I fell apart, I promised my husband that I would get better, and each time, I let him down. Along with the eating disorder, there is also an amount of deception and lying. My husband cannot trust me and I really don’t blame him. The good news is that I am currently in recovery and I am doing well on my own. The bulimia is no longer a problem. I am trying to get through all this and keep my sanity. My husband is in the Air Force and he recently returned from Korea and asked me for a divorce.

Before he left, he sent me back home to get some control over my disorder. If I did, he said that I could return. His reason for a divorce is because he wants to be alone with only his problems. He says that he still cares for me and that we can be friends. I have mentioned a trial separation, but he refuses that choice. The military blamed him for my illness and I think that is why he doesn’t want me as a responsibility. We are presently talking and e-mailing each other, but he won’t tell me if there might be another chance for us. He says that he won’t say that there won’t be a future for us, but he does want his time right now by himself. I think that somewhere inside of him he still loves me, but he is afraid. I signed the divorce papers because if I didn’t I would lose him as a friend, or hinder the possibility of getting back together in the future. Can you give me some sound advice on how I may recapture my husband’s affection?
-Still Hopeful, in Anchorage AL

Dear Hopeful,
Your medical condition, and your reaction to it, have given your husband a feeling of hopelessness because it was something he could not correct. It sounds like he blamed himself, and may have put his job in jeopardy because he took his feelings and emotions into his workplace. Now, he wants to get himself back into balance, and he feels he cannot do this as long as he feels responsible for your pain and your situation. You both should know this: he cannot fix you. Only you can do that.

Right now, to help show him your willingness to heal, I would recommend giving him some space. You both need some distance to get back on track. It may take a year or so, but you need to take the time to work through your condition and reestablish your life goals. Keep in contact with him, and let him know honestly how you are doing. If you need additional support while youre going through this, I would suggest that you contact a life coach or therapist who can help you take care of your own needs while respecting your husbands space and distance. If you can leave your fears, hurt, and pain in the past and move on to being the person you were meant to be — and if he is meant to be with you — your reconnection will happen. Best of luck to you.

Dear John,
Should I be sleeping with my wife, who has filed for divorce? She says she wants us to be friends who can enjoy sex together, but doesnt want us to stay husband and wife. I am feeling used. Your input would be appreciated.
-On the Couch, in Jackson MS

Dear Couch,
I can remember a time when the guy just wanted to be sex buddies, and the woman felt used. How the world has changed! I would strongly advise that you hold off on reinitiating sex. Right now, as she is the one who has filed for the divorce, I can imagine that the pain from the break up is still quite raw. This is all the more reason to put some emotional distance between the two of you. If anything, reinitiating sex will only make it more difficult for you when she is ready to move on to someone else.

Do yourself a favor: give yourself the gift of time, away from her and other relationships. If you rush into someone else’s arms in order to forget about her, you won’t have taken the time you need to heal. This can be a challenge when the impulse to reach out to other women for comfort hits you — youre not alone here, and I would recommend talking with a coach to help work out your feelings. The last thing you want to do now is set yourself up to create rebound relationships, and right now youre vulnerable to this. While its essential to use caution when connecting with your wife, its also critical to heal your wounds, so you dont take these feelings to your next relationship. Your feelings are on the line here, and you need to know that if you jump back into your wife’s bed, you’re setting yourself up to get hurt. Trust me: until you have worked on what has caused your rift, stay on the couch.