Ask Ivana: April 2002

I have been married for two years to a man who refuses to be my partner in any way. Despite my attempts to share a common interest or activity, he chooses to watch TV in the bedroom in complete darkness from morning to night. It’s like an addiction. I have complained, begged, asked and written letters to him asking him to please live life with me but to no avail. He doesn’t participate in household chores, our sex life has been reduced to zero, and starting a family has been put on hold indefinitely. He has refused to go for counseling, and the distance between us grows every day. So my question is: when should I give up and ask him for a divorce?
– Sad in Italy

Dear Sad,
You seem to have picked a real loser! How can your husband be watching TV from morning to night? Unless he has a night job or other means of income, who is supporting the two of you? I hope you’re not the sole breadwinner in your home. Your husband might be depressed and may require professional help to recover. If he is just plain lazy, however, then he needs a good swift kick in the rear to wake him up. If things don’t start to turn around soon, leave him and get on with your life.

My wife and I have been married for 18 years with four children. To make a long story short, I found a bunch of e-mails between my wife and one of her clients, and she has admitted to having sex with this guy. I moved out for a few days and she begged me to go to a marriage counselor with her. I came back because I missed her, my house, my kids, my dog, my life. She says the affair is over, but I am still crushed and don’t know if I’ll ever trust her again. I hope you can point me in the right direction; should I stay or should I go?
– Crushed in Santa Fe

Dear Crushed,
I guess everybody deserves a second chance or, at least in some cases, the benefit of the doubt. Not only should you give your wife and the mother of your children a second chance, you should also give yourself a second chance to stay and enjoy everything and everybody you love in your life. Seek counseling to help you figure out what went wrong — and to prevent it from happening again. However, should your wife be unfaithful again. it may be time to call it quits. Make sure you base any custody decisions on what’s best for the kids — not on hurt or angry feelings.

My husband and I married 20 years ago when we found out I was pregnant. At that time, we both felt that it was the right decision; later on, we realized that it was a mistake. Today, we have two great kids, ages 13 and 19. We both love our children very much and have always put them first. We decided a long time ago that we would make an effort to keep our marriage together as long as the children were at home. But our marriage is empty: we have had sex twice in the last ten years, and we hardly speak to each other. My husband is content to go on as things are and has told me that it would “destroy” our boys if we divorced. But I am only 41 and long for much more. Am I being selfish to want a divorce?
– Fresh Start in Pasadena

Dear Fresh,
Your husband and you have sacrificed 20 years of your lives to keep your family together, and this is commendable. Your older son should understand if you separate, but your 13-year-old is unlikely to be as accepting. Puberty is a difficult time for any child, and news of his parents’ impending separation may prove traumatic — particularly if you have been pretending that you have the “perfect” marriage. If your children are well aware that your marriage is far from perfect, and that you have been unhappy for years, the news may actually be a relief for them. If in doubt, seek counseling for them. Then file for divorce and get out there and find the happiness that you so rightly deserve.

My husband and I are fighting on daily basis. We still love each other, but we always end up having these big fights — some of which are physical. We have been married for almost ten years, and our arguing is taking a toll on our six-year-old daughter, who is very confused, scared, and upset by our fights. I don’t have anywhere to go to take a break from this situation. I have been thinking of separating but don’t know how my little girl will take it. Please help!
– Confused in Toronto

Dear Confused,
Conflicting personalities or a change of heart can cause great upheaval in a marriage. Unfortunately, instead of calmly addressing your issues, you have let your differences escalate resulting in bitterness and physical abuse — which is unacceptable. You must take care of yourself and your daughter first. Don’t give your husband another chance to lay a hand on you. If you feel there’s imminent danger, leave right away and go to a women’s shelter. If not, be firm and let him know that the next time, you’ll report him to the police. The abuse will then be on record if you should need it (to provide grounds for a speedy divorce or for obtaining full custody of your daughter). I urge you to seek family counseling if you decide to stay in your marriage. Whether you leave or stay, there’s no excuse for abuse and you and your daughter should not be subjected to this kind of life.

I have two children, ages 8 and 3. I am getting remarried in a few weeks and would like any advice on helping my kids cope with the transition. Their dad has told them all sorts of things (mostly untrue) about the reasons for our divorce, my fiance, etc. I love my kids and want them to be happy, but I also want to be happy. My fiance and I will do whatever we can to make this an easy transition. Do you have any advice about how we can help my kids?
– Trying to Cope in Seattle

Dear Trying,
The most important thing is to sit with your children and explain to them that you and their father got a divorce from each other, but that the divorce has nothing to do with your love for them. Reassure them that nothing will change after your marriage, that they will still have their father and be able to see him whenever they like. Obviously, your ex is a sore loser — perhaps even a tad jealous that you’re getting on with your life. Hopefully, he’ll figure out that he’s hurting his kids more than you and stop saying those negative things about you and your fiance. Children do grow up and quickly form their own judgment. Meanwhile, your fiance should be relaxed around the children and not try too hard. Give them space and time to adjust. Be kind and supportive and everything will work out in the end.