Ask Ivana: August 2001

My husband of 32 years has left me for a woman half his age. My heart is broken: financially, I am OK, but I’m a wreck emotionally. I want to stop crying and move on with my life, but it’s very hard. How can I go on when everything that matters to me is gone? How can I make the pain go away? Please help me.
– Heartbroken in Long Island

Dear Heartbroken,
When I got divorced, I went through three different stages:

• The first stage was “hurt.” I kept asking myself, “why me?”
• The second stage was “anger.” And I was very angry!
• The third stage was making the decision to “let go” and get on with my life.

It took me approximately one year to get to this third stage and to start really living my life again. I decided to put my divorce behind me; after all, it was in the past, and there was nothing I could do to change the past. But surely there was something I could do about the future, and that was to decide what I wanted my life to be like and to take steps to make it a reality. Some women, unfortunately, remain in the hurt or angry stages forever, ruining their lives and becoming very bitter. Your ex doesn’t care if you’re hurt or angry: he is living and enjoying his life and you should do likewise. Take time for yourself: get in shape, buy some new clothes, and get a makeover. Go out with friends, and maybe start to date again. The best is yet to come!

My ex-husband and I share child custody of our two young daughters (ages two and five). He has them every other weekend, and he brings his new girlfriend along on all their outings. I suspect she stays over at his house, too, but I don’t know this for sure. I have asked him not to involve her with our kids so much, but he won’t agree. My feelings aside, don’t you think he should spend a little time with his kids without her being there? What is your opinion?
– Worried Mom in Hoboken

Dear Worried Mom,
Unless she’s an abusive or unstable person, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your ex bringing his girlfriend along for his outing with his daughters. Girlfriends are usually very nice to their boyfriends’ kids so as to score a few extra points. Maybe your ex is serious about this woman and intends to marry her. If this is the case, then your daughters will have had a chance to get to know and hopefully like her — and vice versa — so the marriage won’t be such a shock to them. When they’re a bit older, your girls may want some “private time” with their dad, and I hope he will accommodate their wishes.

I’ve been divorced for one year after five years of marriage. My husband gave me nothing in the settlement; everything was in his mother’s name. A good friend helped me through this tough time — emotionally as well as financially. Now he’s asked me to marry him. He has great values, really loves me, and is totally unlike my ex. But still, I have panic attacks when I think of marrying him. I don’t want to marry anyone right now — maybe never again. What is wrong with me?
– Single in San Diego

Dear Single,
There is nothing the matter with you! It has been only one year since your divorce, and you’re probably still confused and very, very hurt — I know I was. There is no need to rush into another marriage right now. You’re still in the recovery period after divorce, and you need to figure out who you are and what you want in life before getting involved with a new partner. Take all the time you need, and don’t — don’t — let anyone push you into doing anything you don’t want to do. If this man really loves you, he will wait.

I was married for 40 years, and we’ve been separated for four years now. He said he left me because I went into business with people he didn’t approve of, but I just found out the real reason: he had (and still has) a girlfriend. I still love him and want him back, so this news breaks my heart. We still see each other a lot, and have been on good terms, but I don’t know what to do now. Please help.
– Still in Love in Chicago

Dear In Love,
You should finally let go. You have been separated for four years, and your ex has a girlfriend. It’s time to get on with your life. Get a divorce! There are wonderful men out there: start looking for a new male companion for fun or romance. You ex likes to have his cake and eat it too: right now, he has a relationship with you and with his girlfriend. Move on!