Ask Ivana: December 2001

I’ve been separated for about a year after a 10-year marriage. It was a messy divorce, and my ex-wife hasn’t spoken to me for a whole year, plus she’s been telling people she’s afraid of me. Recently, she called me up and asked if I wanted to go to parents’ day at our kids’ camp. We drove up together and she was very sweet, saying she wants me to be happy and winking at me a few times. I’m very confused by her behavior, but realize that I still love her. Do you think she’s hinting that she wants to get back together, or should I let go of our marriage once and for all?
– Confused in New York

Dear Confused,
You haven’t said what caused your breakup in the first place. Nevertheless, if you really believe that your wife has had a change of heart and that you’re still in love with her, forget your pride and ego and ask her out on a date. If you start seeing one another on a regular basis, you will find out soon enough if there’s a chance of salvaging your marriage. You really have nothing to lose by trying, so go for it!

My husband left me for a younger woman after 15 years of marriage and three children. At first, we fought bitterly; later, we became friendly and eventually started having regular flings (he is still living with his girlfriend). This has been going on for a couple of years, but now he wants to end our romantic relationship and just be parents. I am so angry — why do I still want this man?
– Heartbroken Again in Orange County

Dear Heartbroken Again,
Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is simply playing a game and stringing you both along, leading you to believe that there is “light at the end of the tunnel.” Your husband cheated on you during your marriage and he is now cheating on his live-in girlfriend with you. Don’t trust him at all. I’ve been down this road myself and, believe me, once that trust is broken, there is no “light at the end of the tunnel.” Let go and MOVE ON.

I have been separated for three years, and am now in the process of getting a divorce. I have been dating a wonderful woman for the past two years, and I want to marry her. Our problem is that she thinks that I will want to start dating other women once I get my divorce, and doesn’t believe me when I say this isn’t the case. I want to give her an engagement ring to prove my intentions, but she won’t accept it until my divorce is final. So we’re stuck in limbo right now, and she is becoming increasingly unhappy with the situation. What should I do?
– Loves Her in Miami

Dear Loves Her,
You simply must get that divorce! And I really can’t understand why it has taken three years to do so — unless, of course, you didn’t really want to get divorced. After all, you can’t marry until you get unmarried! I believe your girlfriend might think that you’re just using her and have no intention of getting a divorce — and I can understand why she might think so. You said “we are stuck in limbo.” I disagree: you are stuck in limbo. So get your freedom and then take it from there.

My mother is finally leaving my father after more than 40 years of emotional and physical abuse, numerous infidelities, and financial problems (all on my father’s part). He is currently working out of state (he won’t say where) but comes home on weekends for her to do his laundry and cook for him. He hasn’t given her a dime for the last six months, so she’s having trouble making ends meet. She has agreed to come and live with my husband and me but is now having second thoughts about trying to reconcile with my father. Do you have any advice for my mom?
– Helping Mom in Nashville

Dear Helping Mom,
I would not take physical or emotional abuse for a second, let alone for 40 years. The kind of life your mother has had with this monster doesn’t bear thinking about. Now she is sitting home alone waiting for a weekend of dirty laundry and abuse! What can she be possibly be hoping for? Your father isn’t very likely to change anytime soon. I definitely agree that you should encourage your mother to move in with you and get the love and comfort she so desperately needs. Your mother is emotionally drained and must leave this miserable man now.

On my 18th wedding anniversary, I found out that my husband had been cheating on me for years. After trying to work on our marriage for a year, I decided to leave. He tried to commit suicide; he stalked me; he abused our children. Four years later, my kids and I have put our lives back together. I have started to see a very special man, and my current problem is this: I have trouble trusting him again after my horrible experiences the first time around. I married at 18 and never dated, so I don’t really know how this is supposed to go; all I know is being married. Do you have any advice on how to learn to trust again? And how do I know if he is “the one”?
– Starting Over in Detroit

Dear Starting Over,
As you have just started dating this special man, you have to get to know him first before jumping into a relationship. Take your time and enjoy his company. Find out about his background, his likes and dislikes and, most importantly, how he behaves around your children. The last thing you need at this stage is to rush into another marriage. You’ve been there and done that, and you have your children. Now it is time to take “time out” for yourself and your family. Pamper yourself a little and do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Meanwhile, don’t give up on a relationship just because of a bad experience. I always say, “The best is yet to come!”