Ask Ivana: February 2001

Our kids think the divorce is my fault, but we actually broke up because my wife was having an affair. What should I tell my children?
— Blameless in Chicago

Dear Blameless,

You should both sit down with your children and tell them that you and their mom just didn’t get along, or that you don’t love each other as husband and wife anymore. Make sure to reassure your kids that the breakdown of your marriage wasn¹t their fault, and that even though you and their mom have chosen to live apart, it doesn’t mean either of you loves them any less. You both have an obligation to protect your children and, if necessary, seek professional counseling for them.

My kids spend alternate weekends with their father, and they come back with stories of how great he is and how much fun they have with him. I can’t afford the trips to Disneyland, and I hate being the one stuck with all the discipline and none of the fun. Any suggestions?
— No Fun in Montreal

Dear No Fun,

There is always one parent who is the “bad guy”. I was and still am the bad guy: I do my best to guide and support my children, but I also discipline them when necessary. Then they are off to my ex who cannot say “no” to them. Many fathers feel guilty about leaving home and breaking up their families, and they tend to overcompensate by giving their kids lots of “treats” and little discipline. Some non-custodial parents also say they don’t want to “ruin” the short time they have with their kids by punishing them. Kids take separation or divorce very hard, but spoiling them isn’t the answer. Keep doing what you have been doing as a concerned and loving mom! In the end, your children will thank and cherish you for caring enough to provide structure and discipline in their lives.

I want a divorce, but I’m worried that my standard of living will decrease drastically. Can I protect myself against this?
— Worried in San Francisco

Dear Worried,
Absolutely! You should obtain all the financial information you possibly can. For example:

• How much money does your spouse make?
• Who is the registered owner of your home?
• How much do you and/or your spouse pay in taxes each year?
• Do you file (and sign) joint tax returns with your spouse? If so, make sure you read the whole document before signing it!
• What are your household expenses (e.g., rent/mortgage, electricity, telephone, food, incidentals)?
• Do you have a joint or individual bank account?
• Do you or your spouse own any stocks or bonds?

Collect a copy of each month’s bank statements, and get a copy of last year’s income-tax statement, which should show all your expenses. Depending on your situation, your disposable income may well decrease — and this means you’ll have to make smart choices about how to spend the money you do have. If you know how much is there to divide and you plan ahead, your life may not change so dramatically. An accountant or financial planner can help you set budgets and gain clarity about your financial future.

I think I should get a pre-nuptial agreement — how do I bring the subject up with my fiancee without upsetting her?
— Concerned in L.A.

Dear Concerned,
You should get a pre-nuptial agreement because you need it for very specific reasons — not just because you think you should have one. Unless you’re independently wealthy, if you’re young and just starting out in the business world with the support of your future wife, then you probably don’t need a pre-nup. Marriage is a partnership, and you should expect to share and share alike with your wife-to-be. However, if you have already amassed significant capital of your own, then a pre-nuptial agreement is a must — especially if you’ve had a previous marriage and children. You must be open with your fiancée and agree on a fair settlement if the worst does happen. Remind her that a man is always more generous going into marriage than going out of it, so even though it seems unromantic, now’s the best time to create a pre-nup.