Ask Ivana: February 2002

I’m in my 50s and have just divorced my husband of 25 years. I’m eager to make a brand new start and, although I’ve been told I’m still an attractive woman, I’m considering getting a facelift. Although the idea excites me for some reasons, it also scares me a little. My mother has had plastic surgery and was very unhappy with how it turned out. What advice can you give on this matter?
– Surgery in San Diego

Dear Surgery,
If you really want to get a facelift, then you should do it. For many women, a tough marriage or divorce can be a very emotional, traumatic stage in their lives, and a little “pick-me-up” such as cosmetic surgery, slimming down, or a makeover is very common for women and, indeed, for some men. It’s only natural that people want to feel confident, improve their image, and look their best — especially after divorce, when they’re free and looking for a new partner. What happened to your mother should not discourage you in any way. Technology and procedures have improved tremendously over the years. Nevertheless, when and if you make the decision to have surgery, you must find the best surgeon for the procedure you want. It’s important to do your homework on this issue. Good luck!

My husband has been having an affair and recently moved out to be with his girlfriend. We have two young children; I am the primary parent. He has a very good job and makes a lot of money for himself, while I’m barely making ends meet raising the kids. Do you think I should fight to get as much of his money as possible in court, or would it be safer just to depend on spousal and child support in the divorce settlement?
– Unsure in Milwaukee

Dear Unsure,
By law, your husband must provide for you and his children, and he obviously has the means to do so. You should hire a good lawyer and fight for your rights and your children’s. If you just depend on support, you’ll always be under your ex-husband’s control. You want to be able to buy what you want and go on vacation wherever you choose; you don’t want to be begging for the rest of your life.

When I first married, my husband — a very successful businessman — always encouraged me to follow my dreams and live to the fullest. With his positive support, I worked my way up and have had a satisfying career as a fashion designer. Now, suddenly, he has filed for divorce! I am devastated — suddenly I’ve lost all confidence and my work no longer seems to have any meaning. I don’t know if I can continue to be happy or successful without him. What can I do?
– Heartbroken in Los Angeles

Dear Heartbroken,
I understand your dilemma, as I’ve been there myself. I also had a husband who encouraged and supported me. Nevertheless, I did and still do have a great career. I suspect, however, that your pending divorce may have more to do with the amount of time you spent together and with lack of communication. With you working on your own goal and your husband on his busy career, you eventually grew apart. If you can’t salvage your marriage (and I hope you’ve tried), then I suggest you get a fast divorce and move on with your life.

I’m 65 and have recently remarried. My wife, a widow, is a wonderful, generous woman — maybe too generous. The problem is her 30-year-old daughter, who lives with us. My stepdaughter makes no effort to get a full-time job or move out on her own. She spends most of her time eating our food, watching our TV, and using our phone line to surf the Internet. How do I confront my wife about this without “rocking the boat” of our otherwise very happy marriage?
– Senior Stepdad in Ottawa

Dear Senior Stepdad,
This is not going to be easy. Your new wife is also a grown-up woman and, most importantly, a mother. No matter how spoiled her daughter might be, you must remember that “blood is thicker than water.” Your wife was a widow and probably grew very attached to her daughter after her first husband died. So you don’t want to start a war. Maybe suggest that this girl contribute to rent, food, or the phone bill. A little motivation is definitely needed, but this should come from her mother, not from you. In any event, most adults want to marry and have their own homes eventually, so be patient.