Ask Ivana: July 2001

I’ve been divorced for one year after five years of marriage. My husband gave me nothing in the settlement; everything was in his mother’s name. A good friend helped me through this tough time — emotionally as well as financially. Now he’s asked me to marry him. He has great values, really loves me, and is totally unlike my ex. But still, I have panic attacks when I think of marrying him. I don’t want to marry anyone right now — maybe never again. What is wrong with me?
– Single in San Diego

Dear Single,
There is nothing the matter with you! It has been only one year since your divorce, and you’re probably still confused and very, very hurt — I know I was. There is no need to rush into another marriage right now. You’re still in the recovery period after divorce, and you need to figure out who you are and what you want in life before getting involved with a new partner. Take all the time you need, and don’t — don’t — let anyone push you into doing anything you don’t want to do. If this man really loves you, he will wait.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I had an affair, which I deeply regret, and she filed for divorce. She told me that the divorce would be symbolic so she could get closure on our bad marriage, then we would get married again and start a brand-new relationship together. We have been separated for a couple of months now, and I just found out she’s dated and slept with at least six other men since we separated. I am selling my soul to make our “new” relationship work — am I being a fool? Or is she just trying to get back at me for my one affair and will be faithful once we remarry?
– Reconciliation in London

Dear Reconciliation,
You cheated on your wife — this is why you’re getting a divorce. As for your wife’s current infidelity, maybe she’s trying to get even with you — although this is a silly thing to do considering that you’re planning on getting back together. Or perhaps she’s just taking advantage of her new freedom and having fun. Fifteen years of marriage is a long time, and sex between couples usually becomes predictable and less exciting than in the earlier stages of marriage. Your wife is probably “sowing her wild oats” before getting hitched again, but it’s something the two of you need to discuss. Couples counseling may help you identify what went wrong the first time, and prevent future problems from destroying your “new” marriage. If your wife says she’ll be faithful to you when and if you remarry, I’d believe her (remember, she was faithful to you for 15 years). I just hope you don’t stray again to “get even” with her — this is a game no one wins.

I was married for 40 years, and we’ve been separated for four years now. He said he left me because I went into business with people he didn’t approve of, but I just found out the real reason: he had (and still has) a girlfriend. I still love him and want him back, so this news breaks my heart. We still see each other a lot, and have been on good terms, but I don’t know what to do now. Please help.
– Still in Love in Chicago

Dear In Love,
You should finally let go. You have been separated for four years, and your ex has a girlfriend. It’s time to get on with your life. Get a divorce! There are wonderful men out there: start looking for a new male companion for fun or romance. You ex likes to have his cake and eat it too: right now, he has a relationship with you and with his girlfriend. Move on!

I have been divorced for six months after a 12-year marriage, which was in trouble for a while before we broke up. My ex-husband chose his career over his relationship with me, and he refused to go to counseling with me. I have started seeing a wonderful man who treats me very well, and he wants to get married. I still feel confused by what happened in my marriage, and that I need to find out who I am now before I commit again. What should I do?
– Mixed Emotions in New York

Dear M.E.,
You’re right: you’re still hurting. You need time for yourself. To consider another marriage only six months after a divorce would be a big mistake. What’s the rush? You’re having fun with this “nice” man, but you really don’t know him very well yet. So take all the time you need to get to know each other before embarking on a second marriage. If he doesn’t like it, too bad! Maybe he has a hidden agenda, and I hope it’s not “sharing” your divorce settlement. Be careful!