Ask Ivana: June 2001

I was in an abusive marriage for 8 years, and I have a real trust issue. I consider myself a really nice person: kind, romantic, and caring. I’ve been doing really badly out on the dating scene, though. I guess I come across as too needy, maybe too eager to please. How can I stop being too nice — and start picking nicer guys?
– Too Nice in La Jolla

Dear Too Nice,
Maybe you’re just trying too hard. Stop dating losers and start to take care of yourself: eat sensibly, exercise, and see your friends regularly. You don’t need to go to nightclubs or have boyfriends all the time. Join a charitable organization in your area; you’ll have the satisfaction of helping others, and who knows? You might meet a nice guy who’s helpful, caring and generous and also a volunteer. Calm down!

My first husband left me in 1985. He had financial problems, so he never gave me a penny; I took our two kids and we lived with my parents until I could get back on my feet. I eventually remarried, but things started going badly a couple of years ago: I got very sick, my husband lost his job, then he started gambling and he lost everything. I love him, but he shows no signs of changing. I know I should leave him, but my self-esteem is at an all-time low. Any advice?
– Another Divorce In Las Vegas

Dear A.D.,
I think you should talk to your husband about your marital and financial situation. You were sick, and perhaps your husband was by your side through your illness — maybe this contributed to his losing his job. To go and gamble when one is in dire financial straits is not uncommon, and he obviously made a big mistake to think he could solve his problems that way. Gambling can become a habit or an addiction; watch out for signs that this is the case. If you really still love him, then you have to help him get back on his feet: help him get his old job back, or secure a new job elsewhere. If he refuses to stop gambling and start working, however, then it’s time for you to move on with your life.

How were you able to get over the anger and hurt of being left for another woman? My husband left me six months ago for a woman 15 years his junior, and I still can’t bear to talk to him. We were together for 10 years.
– Hurt in Atlanta

Dear Hurt,
It took me approximately one year to calm down, get organized, start to live life as a single working mom, and I worked hard to balance all these responsibilities. I admit, it could have been worse: I had great kids, very loyal friends, and I wasn’t poor. After my divorce, I started to do things that my ex didn’t like, or that I simply had no time to do while I was married. By doing this, a whole new world opened up for me. Forget about hate, anger, and hurt. It’s all in the past, and you can’t change the past. What you can do is to live your life: go out, see friends, date, take care of yourself, and learn to feel great about yourself. This is the best revenge!

I am in a bitter divorce with a manipulative man who never showed much — if any — love for the 20 years we were married. He is controlling our finances to the point where I try to buy groceries for me and our two kids and my debit card is declined. I have a part-time job, but it doesn’t pay enough to cover basic necessities for the three of us; he earns over 100k a year. I have asked him not to draw our kids into our arguments, but he continues to do so. How can I protect my kids from our fights? Also, when they speak kindly of him, it’s like a knife in my heart; I’m starting to wonder why I’m fighting so hard for their rights if they’re going to take his side against me.
– Torn in Texas

Dear Torn,
The best thing you can do right now is to finalize your divorce and get a financial settlement — which you deserve after 20 years of marriage. My advice is to take a fast, slightly smaller settlement rather than trying to “get everything” — what you’ll get is a long, nasty divorce that will be expensive both financially and emotionally. The only people who gain from this type of prolonged divorce are your lawyers. Talk to your lawyer about what you’re legally entitled to, and decide (perhaps with the help of an accountant or financial planner) what kind of settlement you need to have a secure financial future for you and your kids.

Don’t speak badly about your ex to your kids, no matter how tempting it may be to do so. They’re his kids too, and you will damage them and their relationship with their father if you bad-mouth him. Get your settlement, get your life back on track, start dating again if you want to. Eventually, both you and your kids will calm down after this huge upheaval, and all of you can get on with your lives. My motto: living well, being happy, and looking great is the best revenge!