Ask Ivana: June 2002

I have been married for ten years, having gotten married at the age of 19. My wife and I have grown into two entirely different people over the years. We don’t make each other happy anymore. We don’t have any common interests, we disagree on the way to raise our five-year-old daughter, and quite frankly, I’ve fallen out of love with her. I asked her to attend therapy, but she only agreed to one session. She called this morning and said that she would rather die than live without me, and I can’t handle that on top of the emotions I’m feeling. I’m trying to protect our child and do what’s best for her — and for me too. Any suggestions?
– Unsure in Edmonton

Dear Unsure,
Therapy and marriage counseling certainly should be helpful, but it will not change someone’s personality. The fact that you no longer have anything in common means that you have been growing apart for some time. Unfortunately, this is a very common trend in marriages: communication breakdown. Maybe you’re no longer in love with your wife, but you have a five-year-old daughter whose mother says she would rather die than live without you. This is serious, and you cannot simply turn your back and walk away at this time. If you could try and rekindle the flame and go that extra yard for the sake of your daughter, do so. In any event, counseling is a must, so you should insist that your wife avail of it immediately. It may not necessarily keep you together, but at least it will prepare her for a separation.

My husband and I just split up after only one year of marriage. We were together for seven years and have two children together. Our mothers didn’t like our mates and interfered in our marriage. We had a stupid argument one night, and he moved back in with his mother. I still love him very much, but he won’t speak to me. I want the fighting to stop and for him to come home. What can I do to bring him back to us?
– Sad in Philadelphia

Dear Sad,
Hopefully this is just a temporary setback in your marriage and your husband is just being stubborn and needs a little time to cool off. He also knows that this is driving you nuts, so perhaps it would be a good idea to give him some space. Eventually, he will want to visit his children, at which time you can talk to him calmly and see if you can resolve your differences. Family counseling would be beneficial.

My now-ex-husband had an affair while I was pregnant with our second child. Given the choice between her and us, he chose her. Now he wants to leave our precious babies (ages 3 and 1) in her care during visitation. I despise this girl. She also just turned 19. My husband and I are 36. Please help me. How do I deal with this?
– Concerned in Columbus

Dear Concerned,
Hard as it may be, you have to set aside your feelings toward the “other woman” and do what’s best for the children. It is important that they are happy and loved at all times, and any animosity between you, their father, and the “other woman” should never affect them. I know you’re concerned about her age and her capability in caring for your children. While some 19-year-olds can be immature, others are quite able and trustworthy to supervise children. Nevertheless, your children are just toddlers, and you are justified in being concerned for their safety. By all means, you should seek advice from your local children’s authority and, of course, your lawyer.

I have been divorced for three years now, and am in a new relationship with a woman I met at the office. We have known each other for almost two years now, and I am really enjoying life for a change. My girlfriend is also divorced. There is a 13-year age difference between us, which doesn’t matter to us. It’s rare for us to have a disagreement about anything, but when we do, we sit down and talk about it. Between us, we have five children aging from four to 15 years. We live in separate apartment buildings across from one another. We’ve talked about moving in together this fall, but I’m worried about how some of the children might react to this. I think that if the situation is dealt with properly, we can make it all work. I truly do love her and would like our relationship to move on to the next step. What do you think?
– Hopeful in Montreal

Dear Hopeful,
If you were planning on getting married, I would be inclined to agree with you considering moving into the same house with all the children. Children quickly adapt to new changes. However, if you just want to “test the waters”, thinking that if your relationship works out, fine, and if not, “too bad!” then I have to disagree. This would be very irresponsible and selfish on both your parts. It would be very wrong to move children around if you are not quite sure whether your relationship will be long-term or not. Children need stability and lots of love, so you should think long and hard before doing anything that might not be in their best interests.