Ask Ivana: May 2002

My husband and I are considering divorce. I think we need to get professional help together in order to resolve our issues, but he says he’d rather get a divorce than go to counseling. We don’t have children, and he says I should move out. However, I’d like to keep the house. If I decide for sure to move ahead with the divorce — and I think I will — how should I handle it?
– Wondering in Long Island

Dear Wondering,
If you believe your marriage could survive, you should give it a chance. Maybe your husband doesn’t want counseling, but at least you should talk over your differences. If it is to no avail, you should first consult with a good divorce attorney and find out what you are entitled to. One-hour consultation will give you enough information to carefully think about and then discuss with your husband. Maybe you can come up with a compromise and amicably decide on how to divide your assets. If this fails — which is often the case — you’ll have no alternative but to leave it in the hands of your attorney, who will already know your situation and guide you through your divorce and final settlement. Remember that there is life after divorce, and you will do just fine.

I have been divorced from my ex-husband for six years now. I gave up all my rights to marital property and moved 900 miles away to escape him, but he still continues to harass me through his lawyer. He has been remarried for four years now and has a child with his new wife. He tries to find out about my life from friends and acquaintances; how can I make him leave me alone?
– Desperate in St. Louis

Dear Desperate,
Your ex is obviously getting great satisfaction in knowing that his snooping around is bothering you. You could simply ignore him and let him continue to spend money through his lawyer. His snooping shouldn’t cause you any anguish if you’re not doing anything illegal; your life is your life to live however you please. Or you could have your lawyer write to his lawyer to stop harassing you. Tell him that from now on, any mail received from him will be returned unopened, and if he continues to impose on your personal life, you will file suit for harassment and get a retraining order against him. Good luck!

My boyfriend of three years and I have a committed relationship but no plans for marriage. We are in our 50s and have both been married before. I recently found a personal ad he had submitted to a newspaper. It made me feel hurt and betrayed. I have not discussed this with him. Is this my red flag to end this relationship? I have been happy and contented and I thought he was too. What should I do?
– Mad in Miami

Dear Mad,
Obviously, your relationship is not as committed as you thought it was. If your boyfriend is placing personal ads to find somebody else, then he is looking for a new relationship, and it was rather brazen of him to place this ad while still in a relationship with you. This certainly tells you a lot about the type of person he is, and knowing this, would you really want a committed relationship with him? Nevertheless, discuss the ad with him; if it truly was his ad, then I’m afraid your relationship is going nowhere and you should move on fast!

Three weeks ago, my husband of ten years came home from work and told me our marriage wasn’t doing well and that he wanted to move out and be alone. He said that he had been thinking about it for a long time. My shock and devastation were beyond words: I thought we had a good marriage! It is quite clear that communication was a problem! I begged him not to do this because I loved him and wanted to give our marriage every chance. I offered marriage counseling as an alternative, but he refused. He told me that he hasn’t loved me for five years and that he isn’t involved with anyone else. My heart is broken, and I am at a loss for what to do at this point. Should I try to win him back or let him go?
– Heartbroken in Vancouver

Dear Heartbroken,
It appears that your husband has already made up his mind, and sadly, there isn’t much you can do about it. So let him go and try being single again. Men who have been used to having everything done for them sometimes find that being single again is a challenge, and so is dating. When they realize that the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side, they come running back. Hopefully, this will be the case in your situation. But don’t hold your breath! If and when he comes back, you might not be there. You too have your life and future — and perhaps a whole new beginning — ahead.