Ask Ivana: November 2001

My husband’s first wife socializes with his family all the time. We see her all the time at his two brothers’ homes; I think if she wants to get together with them, she should do it when I’m not around. My husband doesn’t say much, but his brothers consider me a poor sport for not wanting her there. How can I encourage his ex-wife to get on with her own life — or at least stay out of mine?
– Sick of Her in Denver

Dear Sick-of-Her,
You are the one who should get on with her own life. After all, it was your husband who divorced her, not his two brothers. Obviously, throughout your husband’s first marriage, his wife became good friends with her in-laws, and there is absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t remain friends with her ex-husband and her family just because of a divorce. I see my ex-husband very often and I have remained very good friends with him and his family. Maybe you are a tad insecure. Relax!

I left my wife three years ago after she committed adultery for the fourth time. I gave her custody of our two teenaged sons, and never told them about the adultery so they could have a great relationship with their mom. I call them every day to tell them I love them, and see them every weekend. My ex is very bitter about our breakup, and has told our kids it was my fault. Now the youngest has taken her side and refuses to see or talk to me. I am so hurt, and I also can’t stand to think of my son in so much pain. I’m terrified I’ll lose him forever — what should I do?
– Scared Dad in Boston

Dear Scared Dad,
First, you should sit down with your ex and discuss the situation. Your sons are teenagers and would certainly understand the real cause of the break-up if you were to tell them. I do believe, however, that telling them the true facts at this point would cause additional stress between themselves and their mother, and they may not believe you. The best thing would be to explain to your sons that it takes “two to tango” and that you and their mother simply grew apart. It’s always better for two people to separate or divorce rather than be miserable together. Life is much too short!

My wife has always been very attached to her family, and it’s tearing our marriage apart. Whenever her mom calls (which is a lot), she goes running — even if it’s our anniversary or we’re about to leave on vacation. She also always asks her parents for advice instead of me — including what car we should buy or how to decorate our home. I love her, but I’m tired of playing second fiddle to her family all the time. How can I get her to see that if she doesn’t start caring for our marriage, we won’t have one much longer?
– Second Fiddle in Miami

Dear Second Fiddle,
Your wife obviously values her parents’ opinions, and there’s nothing wrong with the fact that she still seeks their advice. The more opinions you seek, the more knowledge you acquire, which should help you make the right decisions. Your wife probably isn’t aware of your feelings; I’m sure if you tell her how you feel, she’ll include you in the decision-making process in the future. Are you a tad jealous of your wife’s relationship with her parents? If so, you need to loosen up: don’t make her choose between her love for her parents and for you.

Because I have to travel for work, I think our kids would be better off with my husband during the week and with me on alternate weekends and one weeknight when I’m in town. He has agreed to this, but I am conscious that everyone thinks I’m a bad mother because I “gave up” my children. I don’t want to live without my kids, but our family needs my salary (I earn more than my ex-husband and always have). Is my decision right or wrong? And what should I tell people who think I abandoned my kids?
– Still a Mom in Montreal

Dear Still-a-Mom,
Don’t worry about what other people might say. It’s your and your husband’s business how you structure your family obligations and childcare — you don’t have to justify anything to anybody else. The most important thing is that your children have the best care, support, and love that you and your husband can give them. If this means that they’re better off with their father for the time being, then so be it. Hopefully in the future, your career won’t demand as much travel, and you can spend more time with your family. Work on this!