Ask Ivana: November 2002

My friend has been married for 13 years. He fell out of love several years ago, and has cheated on his wife five times over the last six years. He is staying in a loveless marriage because he doesn’t want to leave his two kids; he feels that if he leaves, he’ll miss out on the everyday events of the children’s lives. I think he is doing more damage to the kids by staying than if he leaves but remains in their lives; what do you think?
– A friend in San Antonio

Dear Friend,
I don’t understand people willing to live a lie. In the end, everyone suffers, everyone pays. As your friend’s children get older, does he think they won’t know? His wife must be miserably unhappy, unless she has no clue about the situation. There is no easy solution to this. Your friend is lying to everyone, especially to himself. Tell him to grow up and make choices that will make everyone happier. Life is too short for people to live in this kind of non-caring chaos. Let your friend give them time, love, and support, and they will be just fine.

My husband fell in love with another woman four years ago, whom I know he sees on a daily basis to this day. He has now filed for divorce, but until it’s final that we will remain living in the same house, which causes a lot of problems. I do not want this divorce, and it has been very emotional for us both. We are still having infrequent sexual relations with each other, and whenever it happens, I get confused. Does this mean my husband may still love me? Or does he do this out of guilt? He says he still wants a divorce, but I wonder whether our marriage can be saved.
– Confused in Baltimore

Dear Confused,
Why would you want to save a marriage in which the man has already deserted you, betrayed you, and wants out of it? A four-year affair is a very long-term thing, and if you knew about it and put up with it, that is not good for your self-esteem. The first thing you must do is get some kind of counseling. You must raise your own level of self-respect and realize that this man has treated you terribly, with a total lack of caring and respect, and you just don’t need him. As long as he has this tenuous hold on you, especially living in the same house and with sexual contact, you’ll always slip back. Forget him, let go, and get on with your life.

I’m the mother of three beautiful children aged six, five, and two. After eight years of marriage, my husband has announced he wants to “move on with his life” and that he can’t be himself with me. He packed his stuff and moved to his mother’s house last month. Now I’ve decided that I want to get on with my life, too. When do you think I should start dating again? Can I bring my date home if my kids are not there?
– New Life in San Francisco

Dear New Life,
Moving on, what a great mantra! (However, I can’t see that your husband is moving on if he’s moved back in with his mother.) I think you should give yourself a little more time to sort out your feelings before jumping back into the dating game. Enjoy yourself with your kids and spend real quality time with them; they will help ease the pain, and they need you too. Pamper yourself, get back into glowing shape, and invite friends over for a BBQ, casual dinner, or other social events that require no pressure. That way, getting to know new men in a friendly fashion will help ease you back into the dating scene. But take your time: there are years of feelings to sort out, and you won’t be ready to start dating again until you’ve worked through these feelings. If you haven’t already consulted with a lawyer, perhaps you should think about it. At least you’ll know your options and rights, which will be very important to you and your children should a divorce ensue.