Ask Ivana: October 2001

I kicked my husband out when I found that he was having an affair. We have a two-year old daughter, and both of us still love this man. He refuses to give up his girlfriend, but I can’t believe our 10-year marriage is over. Am I foolish to hope we can reconcile?

– Wants Him Back in Highland Park

Dear Wants Him Back,
Your marriage is over. Your husband has a girlfriend and doesn’t want to give her up. Obviously, he’s no longer in love with you, or he wouldn’t be acting this way. Don’t just sit back and wait around in hope that he’ll break up with his girlfriend. He may not — and even if he does, there’s no guarantee that he’ll return to you. Get a good lawyer and the best possible settlement, then get on with the rest of your life. You’re not alone: you have your precious daughter to take care of, and your whole life ahead of you. You have the opportunity to create a new life for you and your daughter — make sure it’s a good one.

I’ve been married for 14 years, and I have an 18-year-old daughter from a previous marriage who has just moved out. I’m scared — my husband is abusive, and he’s going to be furious when I leave him. We’re broke because he has maxed out his credit cards with Internet pornography and phone-sex calls, and our house is mortgaged to the hilt to cover debts. I want to get out and start college so I can have a life of my own, but I have no money or resources, and he’s going to hit the roof. What should I do?
– Scared in Long Island

Dear Scared,
The first thing you have to do is find a job so you can take care of yourself and pay your bills. Save a little money, then rent a small apartment or studio and move out — then file for divorce. If you’re truly afraid for your own safety, contact a women’s shelter immediately: they may be able to help you get out of your house and your marriage as quickly and safely as possible. When you’re back on your feet, enroll in college on a part-time basis so you can work and study at the same time. I’m happy that you have the desire to continue your education and create a better life for yourself. Good luck!

I’m going through a divorce, and I have child custody of our two young sons. My wife has been physically and verbally abusive to them, which is why I will be seeking permanent sole custody. I’d like our kids to know their mom, however, so I’ve arranged for supervised visitation. My problem is that my job is transferring me to Germany; I’m the only wage-earner in the family, and we can’t do without my salary. What should I do?
– Confused in New York

Dear Confused,
I can see that you have a lot on your plate right now: getting a divorce, transferring to Germany, and looking after your two sons on your own. I believe you’re undertaking too much at the same time. Your first priority is, of course, your children. I have no doubt that you like your job and need the money, but taking your two young sons away from their home and friends to a foreign country with a different language isn’t the smartest thing you could do right now. I’m pretty sure that if your wife objects — and she probably will object — to your taking the kids if you take them out of the country. I honestly believe that you should turn down your transfer, or find a new job if necessary so you can stay put for the time being for the children’s sake.

My wife wants to separate and take our two kids with her. She works as a legal secretary and has bragged that she has 14 lawyers ready to help her with her divorce for free — I can’t afford to hire one for myself. I supported her through college, and now she has more resources than me. I don’t want a divorce (though I understand I may not have a choice about this), and I don’t want to lose my kids. What should I do?
– Single Dad in Vancouver

Dear Single Dad,
Your wife must have some reason for wanting a divorce; when you say you “don’t want a divorce but may not have a choice about this,” I wonder whether this means that you’re the culprit in the breakup of your marriage. Regardless of who’s right or wrong, if your marriage is not working out and you and your wife can’t resolve your differences, then you are better off getting a divorce. I am sure your wife is aware of your financial situation and — unless she is very, very bitter with you for whatever reason — you should sit down and try to divide your properties appropriately. If this fails and you cannot agree on division of debts and assets, then you have to seek legal advice. You may qualify for legal aid, or an attorney may be able to structure payments that you can afford. Make sure your divorce agreement stipulates joint custody of your children; this way, you’ll have an equal say in any decisions about them, and your wife should not be able to prevent you from seeing them on a regular basis.