Ask Ivana: September 2001

After 18 years of marriage, I have no choice but to divorce my husband. In the last couple of years, I have discovered that he uses cocaine frequently, owes over $30,000 on various credit cards, owes the IRS over $120,000, carries a recent photo of himself and another woman in his wallet, and many more disturbing revelations. Our two sons (ages 14 and 16) are very upset about the divorce, and have accused me of ruining their family life. I’ve haven’t told them all the details because I don’t want to ruin their relationship with their father, but I don’t want to take all the blame for this either. They’re so angry neither of them is even speaking to me right now. What should I tell them?
– Betrayed in Washington

Dear Betrayed,
If your husband didn’t have another woman in his life (or his wallet), I would encourage you to seek professional help: first for his drug addiction, and then to restructure his finances and pay off his bills. Even if you don’t want to stay in the marriage, he is the father of your children, and you don’t want to see him destroying his life. So I’d bite the bullet and offer your support to help him get his life back together. If he won’t listen to you, or doesn’t want your support, then you have no alternative but to get a divorce. You need to make sure that your settlement stipulates that he will be responsible for his debts to the IRS and the credit-card companies. You don’t want to be working the rest of your life paying off his debts, and you don’t want your line of credit ruined by his loans. However, you should seek professional help immediately to determine which creditors are likely to hold you jointly responsible for your husband’s debts and to come up with a strategy for dealing with them. Regarding how your children feel towards you right now — this will change. Just love them and remind them that what has happened between you and their dad doesn’t affect your love for them. In a few years, they’ll be moving on to college and/or out of your house, and you’ll have more time for yourself. If you choose to get into another relationship, I hope you’ll find a man who will love an appreciate you.

My wife left me without warning two months ago, taking our four children (ages 2-15) with her. I don’t know where she has gone, and the only news I’ve had was from her lawyer, who says she wants a divorce and that I’ll only get to see my children one hour a week. I have no idea why she left, or what she has told the kids. I am a devout Christian, and I am devastated by this. I don’t want to lose my marriage or my kids, but what can I do if she won’t even talk to me?
– Christian in Phoenix

Dear Christian,
There has to be a lot more to this than you’re telling me! A mother would not just take off with her four children without saying a word unless she felt there was some kind of danger to herself and/or her kids. And don’t you think that a 15-year-old child would have voiced an opinion or picked up the phone to call his/her father if he/she truly wanted to? Your wife must have had a good reason for doing this. Raising four children alone is a difficult task, and she is either very brave or very foolish to have made this choice. However, to give you the benefit of the doubt, my advice would be to get a good lawyer and seek joint custody of your children. With joint custody, your wife cannot dictate how much time you will have with your children. You may have lost your wife, but you don’t want to lose your children, too!

My husband left me a couple of months ago and has now filed for divorce. I work as a teacher and will have a very good pension when I retire in 10 years, and my husband owns his own advertising agency; we never had kids. I know that businessmen can hide assets, and if he does a good enough job of turning profits into “losses”, I may have to give up half my pension to my husband. Do you have any insights on how to find hidden assets? Is there some kind of professional who specializes in this field?
– Tortured in Toronto

Dear Tortured,
There are definitely companies that specialize in finding hidden assets, forensic accounting, and business valuations. I would strongly recommend that you consult with a good matrimonial lawyer who will be able to help you with your divorce as well as recommend a company that will provide a realistic valuation for your husband’s company — and find any assets he may have hidden. I don’t understand why your husband would be entitled to half your pension; however, since I’m not an expert in Canadian divorce law and division of property, I suggest you hire a reputable lawyer to advise, represent, and protect you.

I’m 28 years old and facing a tough, painful divorce. My four-year-old daughter adores her dad — and I really still love my husband, too, but he walked out a couple of months ago. I’m very depressed, and don’t know what to do. Can you recommend a book or article for me to read? Do you have any advice for how I can get over him — and help my daughter through this, too?
– Depressed in Puerto Rico

Dear Depressed,
You are going through the first steps in your divorce proceedings, so you are naturally shattered and in shock. Don’t be surprised if this stage turns to anger — it is absolutely normal. You will be angry, disappointed, and confused. The sooner you get over feeling this way, the better for you. Then you can evaluate the situation and make plans for the future. There is definitely nothing you can do about the past, but you can learn from experience, which most definitely helps pave the way to the future. I have written a book — entitled The Best is Yet to Come, published by Simon and Schuster — which deals with how to handle divorce, care for your children, and move on with your life. If you go to the self-help section in any bookstore, there are many, many books that will help you cope with your situation, such as A Guide to Divorce by A. J. Brand, which contains answers to questions you normally wouldn’t think to ask. Meanwhile, don’t despair. Get a proper settlement, take care of yourself and your daughter, and remember, there is life after divorce.