Ask Ivana: September 2002

My husband of 15 years has left me for another woman, and I’m just devastated. I am in such pain, and I just feel like crying all the time. How did you maintain your self-esteem during your divorce? When will I start feeling better?
– Devastated in Montreal

Dear Devastated,
Facing the situation head-on was the only way I found to maintain my self esteem — that, and having some great friends. I do understand your incredible pain, because I’ve been there. But it’s what you do with that pain that will determine the rest of your life. Gather your friends around you, ask them for support, cry on their shoulders (but not too often), and start to socialize a little. Go to the beauty parlor and pamper yourself. A separation and divorce are devastating, especially after a long marriage. But if you work at putting some happiness into your life, the sadness and loneliness you are feeling now will slowly ease, and you will go on. Don’t look back. The past is past and there is nothing you can do about it, but you can certainly do great things in your future. Go for it!

My 12-year-old daughter says she wants to live with me rather than her mother. My ex says that a daughter belongs with her mother, but the two of them fight like cats and dogs. I’d love for her to live with me, but I want to do what’s best for her — and that includes having a relationship with her mother. Do you think we should try to respect her wishes, or maybe wait and see if she feels the same way in a year or so?
– Worried Dad in Connecticut

Dear Worried Dad,
Sometimes mothers and daughters seem like natural enemies; it just comes with the relationship. But, most of the time, they love each other to pieces! It’s a contradiction, and no matter how old a woman is, as long as her mother is alive, it can be a love-hate relationship. Your daughter, however, is going through a turbulent time, and I am glad you are sensitive to the situation. Leave it alone for a while longer. Stay close — but remember, daughters tend to be “Daddy’s little girl” and know the right strings to pull! As long as you are strong and caring parents and support one another, your daughter will be fine. She is only 12 years old — much too young to make an informed decision about which parent she should live with.

My boyfriend of seven years moved out three months ago. After a month, we started seeing each other again while maintaining separate residences. And now he has broken up with me again. I wonder whether I should give him the cold shoulder and risk losing his love, or if should I call him and try to work things out. We are very well matched and have been friends as well as lovers for a long time.
– Abandoned in San Francisco

Dear Abandoned,
Time is life’s greatest healer. I’ve always found that after a very long relationship, it isn’t easy to simply sever ties and walk away. There is a natural “coming back” together, but the time spent together gets shorter and the time spent apart gets longer. You’ve already been through the anger and frustration and suddenly realize that you have to let go. Forget about giving him the cold shoulder. Do what’s right for you — remain friends with him, but seek a more stable relationship.

I finally left my husband of ten years because of his gambling and alcohol abuse. I asked him to seek counseling numerous times but to no avail. He doesn’t think he has a problem — he says I’m the one with the problem. I went into counseling to find out what my so-called problem was, but nothing changed. Now that we’re separated, he’s out having the time of his life and I’m stuck at home with my two children aged 1 and 3. He says he wants to see the children, but when I suggested he could have them for the weekend, he came up with a lame excuse about the weather being bad. What should I do?
– Angry in Ottawa

Dear Angry,
You’ve already done it. It may not seem like the best solution right now, but you had the courage to leave him and build a better future for yourself and your children. So give yourself a boost, get yourself a good job, and tell yourself how lucky you are to be rid of such a thoroughly selfish, unsupportive, uncaring husband. Look to your future: you can create it now. I know it won’t be easy; it wasn’t for any of us. Nonetheless, it’s important that the children still have contact with their father, and you should encourage this. If he can’t handle having the children for the entire weekend, let him see them for shorter periods of time. Some men have problems when dealing with toddlers and just don’t know how to keep them amused. If you can make visitation easier for your ex, he may become comfortable with having the kids for longer periods down the road.

I recently became engaged to the man I love. Unfortunately, he’s still married to someone else. He has been separated for almost two years; she is four months pregnant (with someone else’s baby), and her lawyer says they can’t divorce until after the baby is born and he can prove he’s not the father. She also says he has to pay her medical bills because they’re still married. I’m wondering whether I should back out of the picture until the divorce is settled and he’s free to marry me. What do you think?
– Mistress in Washington

Dear Mistress,
You have to be joking! If you’re engaged to a man who is still married (while his wife is expecting someone else’s baby), you’re heading straight for disaster and heartbreak! This messy situation will only get messier, and you’re right in the middle of it. Get rid of him now and find a man who will put you first.