Classic Marriage One-Liners!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
— Cindy Garner

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at
least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it
is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my
husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck

“My wife loves to
shop. Spends all my money. One week she was sick — three stores went
out of business. The woman will bring home anything marked down. Last
week she brought home an escalator. She said she lost her purse and all
her credit cards were in it. Did I report them stolen? No — the thief
spends less than she does. Take my wife — please!”
— Henny Youngman

After
a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I
married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn’t notice.”

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven’t spoken to my husband in 18 months — I don’t like to interrupt him.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

Women will never
be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and
a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.