Advice on divorcing a narcissist will differ from other divorce advice — there will be struggles and frustration, and it will take time to get to a place of acceptance and comfort. The following tips will help you move on from your divorce to a new life in an empowering way.
5 Pieces of Advice to Live by If You’re Divorcing a Narcissist
- The process of divorcing a narcissist was worse than I could have ever imagined, but I would do it again in a heartbeat knowing how much better life is on the other side. You will never regret leaving. Your only regret, once the dust has begun to settle, will be that you stayed as long as you did.
- You ARE all those wonderful things they said in the beginning! That is why they chose you. The problem isn’t with you – it’s with them. A Priest told me, “You HAVE fulfilled your vows. God doesn’t want us to be unhappy and living in fear.” That lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and I was able to proceed like I was on a mission.
- Walk gently into your future… breathe… cry when needed…be patient with yourself… buy Kleenex… keep your chin up… stay focused on the horizon… stay true to yourself… and just keep walking, remembering that standing still before the next step is still forward movement from where you have come. Life is just one big wave… hang on to that board and ride it!
- When you realize that you have had to love yourself less in order to love the person you are leaving, then you can begin a new chapter in your life of discovery. One where you can build a new sense of self and take baby steps in building a better quality of life for yourself and your children. Also, you will show your children that it’s OK to say no and have boundaries, and they will thank you in the future.
- Take excellent care of yourself so you can be the best parent possible for your kids. If possible, start a business so you can have a flexible work schedule. Create the life of your dreams because now you can. Don’t let him/her continue to sabotage. Step into your power. Don’t be a victim, step into your power. Be your best self. Learn about parallel parenting, do it and do it with love. Encourage your kids to speak their truth. Listen. Don’t tell them how to handle their other parent. Trust again. Love life again because it’s a choice and you can make that choice.
This article has been excerpted from Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield. Author Tina Swithin provides advice on how to handle divorcing someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, basing her insight on her own personal experience with divorce. www.tinaswithin.com
All good ideas. How is the question for so many. I think understanding what a sociopath is and then reframing the events from their abnormal brain is a big help. When we see that it really wan’t a relationship – that it is a crime – we are more free to let go of the grief over the “man” or “woman”, and heal properly.
Absolutely true. Great article. Excellent advice.
When I read the title to this I just paused.. Not the ordinary, and the constant feeling of needing to protect anything and everything you have and love before its destroyed by this man. This man that are your 3 kids father. The hardest thing for me now at this point is staying firm with boundaries from him without it negatively affecting my kids. Knowing when to step in or when to allow them to handle things with him.
Words to live by. I value most highly the sage advice from Tina Swithin. Having daily support via her columns, books and media on this subject provide the necessary reminders to often get through a day co-parenting with a Narcissist. As the dust has not yet settled, I have learned to survive this and inspired to find my joy again, myself and inner strengths with what feels like Tina by my side. My advice, Don’t go it alone…
Married for 25 years and I have just in the last 5-8 years realised i might be married to a Narcissist. although he fits more into the hard working, OCD type, my children tell me all the time to stop jumping to get everything just right before dad walks into the hoise. He works from home so i know for a fact there is no other woman. However, I have been conditioned to believe I am the worst mother, wife, my house in his eyes is always dirty. I have people who said they would eat off my bathroom floor cause my house is that clean, but its never good enough. Everything he does is for the “family” I am the selfish one.
We have 2 Birds, two dogs and a Goose…who all get more attention than any of us. Especially the Birds. I love our animals too…but this is to another degree.
Since the day I started to question why my voice/opinion was not allowed, and/or started to say the way he spoke about woman was sexist or how he treated me didnt feel right, its been a downward spiral. I get the silent treatment if I dont conform. If I dont run things by him first, I get told that I am disrespectuful to him as the man of the house.
No matter how hard I try, I cant make him see that there is some good in most people. I have had to tell most of my friends that they are not allowed in my property as he doesnt approve of their ways or they challenged him directly. In his words he is protecting me from them. I grew up in a house where there was so much love around, hugs, kissed, fun and laughter. He hates my Mother and youngest Brother as they saw the light, but he is currently still ok with my Eldest brother as my brother told me to try and save my marriage when the rest told me to go.
He knows I am very protective of my mom and Brothers so he uses it as a trigger every time as well as throwing every little thing I ever did wrong in my life in my face every time we have a disagreement.
I know I have to get out, my Youngest daughter has been begging me to get out. My two boys on the other hand is the reason I held out so long as their words of “you are the glue that keeps this family together” broke my heart.
I cant seem to do the yes sir no sir three bags full BS anymore. I thought it would be easy to just go back to that……but I cant.