Even More Marriage and Divorce Jokes

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter if fact, yes,” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation:
“I now pronounce you man and wife.”

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

“Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With his last breath John said, “I do!”