Forgive him… for now

“I am deeply sorry that I did not live up to my expectations,” a seemingly regretful Eliot Spitzer said as he resigned the office of Governor of New York. As with any man caught with his pants down, there is always remorse, deep regret, and the inevitable begging for forgiveness.

Whether your spouse spent thousands on a high-priced call-girl (or call-boy) or had your simple run-of-the-mill affair, he broke his vow of marriage to you, so you’ll want a divorce, now. Right?

Not so fast.

Regardless of how horrible his actions were, if you overreact, he may lash out in kind. That sad puppy can change instantly into an attack dog. He’s hoping for forgiveness, so he’s likely to act out if he feels he’s being punished or chastised. Despite his feelings of guilt, demanding a divorce may force him to deceive you, withhold money and important financial information, make threats, or refuse to negotiate. He’s desperate and will do anything to regain control.

I’m not suggesting you embrace your man with hugs and kisses. Rather, I suggest you remain aloof: appear to need time to heal. Then, once you are sure that divorce is the right path to take, remember the Girl Scout credo: “Always be prepared.” In short, make a plan. Then keep it to yourself.

Here are six tips to get you started:

1. Not all illicit behavior ends up on the ten o’clock news. It’s important you document any events that will strengthen your case.
2. Gather all financial documents containing your name. Record the names of the financial institution, account numbers, and contact information. Include stocks, insurance policies, pensions, and retirement accounts. Be especially sure to locate life-insurance policies, as they may affect child support and alimony.
3. Change any passwords that your husband has knowledge of or access to. Not only can this protect assets, it will prevent vindictive behavior on the part of your spouse — such as theft.
4. Hide your passport and your children’s.
5. Make a list of which items were gifts and which you bought with your own money before the marriage.
6. With your digital camera, create a visual catalogue of all your physical possessions, including furniture, furnishings, art, collectibles, rugs, electronic and computer equipment, china, cars, and so on. Itemize everything on a spreadsheet as well. Organize the original receipts if you have them. Save the images on a flash drive that you can carry with you.

When you begin divorce proceedings, organization is crucial. The more prepared you are, the more likely the process will go more smoothly. Your preparation will also show your spouse (and his attorneys) that you mean business and can’t be pushed around.

Robert Mizrahi is the founder and president of Chaos Commandos Professional Organizers, of White Plains, New York. Mizrahi’s company services include home organization redesign and speaking. Chaos Commandos specializes in managing the delicate process of cataloging, coordinating, and relocating the possessions of divorcing couples.