Fortifying Yourself and Your Manifesto

It can be challenging to create and preserve a Personal Manifesto in the face of a culture that supports aggression and anger as valuable components of a divorce strategy. There are times when you will need to be strong enough to gut against criticism from people around you who believe you should see your divorce as a holy war. You may have to protect yourself from being derailed by your friends who have just chipped in to buy you the commemorative DVD of The War of the Roses. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, calls it “drawing the sacred circle around new behavior; because it is new, it is quite fragile.” 4 I suggest that if certain people do not support your new behavior, just don’t talk about it with them. This path, together with its fortification, which will be discussed in later chapters, is a way for you to maintain personal power regardless of the chaos that appears to surround you.

I know it’s difficult to think about creating something like the Personal Manifesto when you don’t know where you are going to live, how you are going to pay your bills, whether you will have a mate again, or how to lift your children out of depression. But your Manifesto is vital, because it creates the window through which you can see the rest of your life, and it is the antidote to the negative seductions of the divorce process.

Very often I hear people say things like, “If only this case would settle—then I would find happiness.” What this really means is, “My happiness is dependent on my spouse’s agreement.” But why wait? Why not take a path now that will lead to your happiness? Being content and finding peace—even in the midst of the divorce process—should not hinge solely on the behavior of another individual. You don’t have to sentence yourself to wait. You can start sculpting that strong, powerful person you can be right now. The average divorces takes two years— imagine what you could accomplish during that time.

The aspiration toward a good karma divorce in the face of adversity is the underlying theme of your Personal Manifesto. Perhaps you gagged or rolled your eyes at one of the transformational warm- up questions, the suggestion that you write down the names of your heroes—those men and women, real or not, who display the kind of character you admire. This was meant to get your aspirational juices flowing, but there’s a deeper purpose at work here too.

People gravitate toward heroes who display traits like bravery, compassion, and dignity, particularly those who show grace under pressure. You are inspired by their fortitude. When you choose to be heroic, you are inspired—and in turn you can inspire. As I said earlier, experiencing a divorce doesn’t necessarily conjure up images of heroism, but desiring the character of a true hero is precisely what will get you through your darkest days.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Sow a thought, and you reap an action; sow an action, and you reap a habit; sow a habit, and you reap a character; sow a character, and you reap a destiny.” The character created through adhering to your Manifesto and attempting some of the principles of the Good Karma Divorce are the building blocks of your destiny—and not only your destiny, but the destinies of your family, your former partner, your friends and loved ones, virtually everyone you come into contact with, and everyone who comes into contact with them. This newly forged person you will become will enhance the legacy of your emotional DNA for your family during this generation and for generations to come.

When following your Manifesto, fortified by reading the chapters that follow, you will experience micro shifts in behavior. The transformation will start subtlety. Instead of calling your former spouse a liar, you refer to him or her as not always accurate. When you hear yourself exaggerating a story about your former spouse’s “bad” behavior as you vent to a friend, you check yourself. When you have done something for which you must apologize, you don’t wait for the other person’s resentments to harden. You pick up the phone, take a deep breath, and dial— you now sense that it’s so much better for everyone involved if you do it sooner rather than later. It only takes small shifts, merely little poppy seeds of change. On many days your Manifesto will outshine you. It is of great value even if you do not fully attain your goals. It is enough if it fosters inspiration. As in a sport that requires aim, the thing that matters is keeping your eye on the target.

Finally, remember that adhering to your Manifesto can reduce your fear of “being found out,” even if you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. When you’re going through a divorce, complete with attorneys, legal papers, and proceedings, in the face of all this authority and officialdom you can still feel as though you’re “in trouble.” Under that microscope you may have a lingering feeling that something you’ve done, ten years ago or ten days ago, will be revealed in a deposition or in a trial. But your Manifesto can protect you.

In one of my cases a couple was in a troubling custody battle. The father alleged that the mother had been neglectful of the children and was going out five nights a week, sleeping late in the morning, not getting the children to school on time, not keeping up with the children’s medical exams, and not going to PTA meetings. The psychiatric evaluation confirmed the allegations, but noted concerns about recommending that the father have custody, because the children were more bonded to the mother and would be devastated if custody were transferred. The father really didn’t want to take the children from their mother, but felt he didn’t have a choice. The mother was terrified and was willing to do anything to keep residential custody. To and a productive middle ground, we worked out an entire protocol for better parenting. This included therapy for the mother and her informing the court about her progress and her difficulties through the children’s attorney. This became a Manifesto by court order long before I had a name for it. The parties eventually worked out a joint parenting order based upon the father being satisfied that the mother was really devoted to changing.

With caution, and by reviewing it with your attorney, you may even bring your enhanced version of your Manifesto into the light (yes, if you are being viewed in a negative light, you can testify about its cur- rent importance). Its very existence is proof that you are setting out on a higher road. It’s proof that your goal is not to cause pain and seek revenge, but to protect your family—perhaps including your former spouse—from the destructive, life-damaging forces of divorce. It’s proof that you have the character of a hero.

This article was excerpted with permission from the book The Good Karma Divorce: Avoid Litigation, Turn Negative Emotions into Positive Actions, and Get On with the Rest of Your Life by Judge Michele F. Lowrance, published by HarperCollins Publishers.

Michele F. Lowrance has been a domestic-relations judge in the Circuit Court of Illinois since 1995. A child of divorce who was raised by her grandparents, Judge Lowrance has been divorced and has devoted her professional life to helping those similarly situated. For more information visit www.michelelowrance.com/books/the-good-karma-divorce/.