Getting Started on Writing Your Personal Manifesto

You might say, “I want a peaceful divorce, but I don’t feel it!” When it comes to divorce or separation and the ensuing implosion of the family unit, there are many easy-to-take paths that tend to be random, sloppy, and disordered. There are countless opportunities to create a cyclone out of a rain shower. There are no quick fixes—pain-free—when it comes to divorce. There are simply paths to take that are life-enhancing and others that are life-destroying. Sometimes circumstances provide a gentle nudge to find a higher path.

In the absence of “quick fixes,” I started working on settlement techniques for reducing this pain and turmoil for the litigants in my courtroom. Interestingly, my investigation began as an attempt to flush out and then address all of the fears that blocked settlement in complicated child-custody cases. I asked the litigants to write down their worst fears concerning how their divorce would impact their relationship with their children, their concerns about the other party’s parenting, and their ideal goals for their divorce. I began to notice that the sheer act of writing these down created a major shift in the litigants’ emotional responsiveness and malleability in settling cases. I found that when fears were articulated, they could be addressed. Often a previously unrevealed fear lurking beneath the surface caused the emotional blockage that was obstructing the settlement.

The act of cataloguing fears and needs was so calming that people could move from an emotional to a problem-solving plane. In one instance, a case could not be settled because the wife was furious over her husband’s affair with his office manager. Through writing, it became apparent that her real fear was that he would be obsessed with his new love and wouldn’t see or support his children. She also feared being disposed of and disregarded, which activated her underlying fear of abandonment. We were able to write an agreement in which her husband agreed to almost every detail of communication that she required. He agreed to check in with her twice a week and not to bring his new girlfriend on custodial visits.

Do you want to learn the lessons your divorce has to teach you? They are all there for the taking. Even if you believe that meeting your mate was a result of random occurrences, the relationship that resulted has great meaning because of the lessons it yields for you. Your lessons come through the choices you make, and your choices create your character. Elevating your wisdom, applying it, and sharing it with the people around you give meaning to your existence.

Creating a Personal Manifesto will solidify your intention to be the person you want to be, while shedding light on the path you’re traveling and on the actions that got you to this point. It will become the architectural design of the positive path ahead of you and all the potential your future holds.

It is not easy to make this declaration, the essence of which is that every choice you make in life, every small step along the way, matters in your transformation. The high road is not the easiest path in the short run, but it is the least painful, and even when there is pain, you will be able to understand how it can benefit you. That understanding in and of itself reduces pain. Right now it might be easier to watch television than to do the transformational warm-ups that prepare you for a different mode of perception, but a temporary distraction like television will not help you access your power or give you sustained relief. It is often simpler to be reactionary, or just to follow the advice of your neighbor, than it is to take command of oneself. If you do not believe in taking this path just for yourself, then consider it a way to create a better life for your children and to minimize the psychological and emotional damage to them. Whether your mission is your personal enlightenment, protecting your soul from permanent wounds, or minimizing the damage to your children, you will be able to make sense of this tumultuous present and develop a view of the past that gives the future meaning.

What Does a Personal Manifesto Look Like?

Let’s start with this: the Personal Manifesto process is highly individualized. Yours won’t necessarily look like anyone else’s. There are no rules, just guidelines to get you started and something I call “transformational warm-ups”—a series of questions to get you thinking and to shake up your perspective.

Remember, it’s all about figuring out where you are now, then deciding where you want to go and who you want to be when you get there. So shed your inhibitions, discard conventional wisdom, banish fear, and get started.

You may fear taking on another project—to develop your Personal Manifesto—because you don’t think you have the energy reserves for it. But remember, most of your energy is tied up in your current state of emotional upheaval. Once you transfer your thoughts onto paper something interesting is going to occur neurologically. Your brain, relieved of some of its policing duties, won’t have to fight so hard to impose order on chaos and now it can shift into clarity and creative problem solving.

I have a few other comments about the process you are about to begin

1. Your Personal Manifesto will be revised several times before you get to the working document. Do not worry about perfection— striving for perfection can be the insidious enemy of getting this done, particularly because the work to be done is emotional in nature.
2. As you continue with the chapters in this book, further revisions may become necessary or desirable, so don’t focus on getting to that unattainable “final” product.
3. Some readers may feel what I am describing is nothing more than keeping a journal or diary. Wrong. Journaling over a period of time may be a healthy and revealing habit. However, it differs significantly from the process of creating your Personal Manifesto because although your first draft feels like journaling, that is merely the starting point. The first draft provides the baseline for growth. The next drafts start to layer analysis and revelation on top of experience and emotion, and frankly, that’s where the real power becomes accessible. The reward for this work is not only power, but also strength. Chaos and confusion is the soil from which your Manifesto will be born.
4. The goal of your Personal Manifesto is healing and growth, and for that, you need to document where you’ve been, where you are now, and your aspirations for where (and for whom) you will be tomorrow. This process works, whether we fully understand it or not.

This article was excerpted with permission from the book The Good Karma Divorce: Avoid Litigation, Turn Negative Emotions into Positive Actions, and Get On with the Rest of Your Life by Judge Michele F. Lowrance, published by HarperCollins Publishers.

Michele F. Lowrance has been a domestic-relations judge in the Circuit Court of Illinois since 1995. A child of divorce who was raised by her grandparents, Judge Lowrance has been divorced and has devoted her professional life to helping those similarly situated. For more information visit www.michelelowrance.com.