How can we divorce without hurting the kids?

Remember that children inherently want to love both parents equally without having to take sides. Children become frightened and hurt when they hear one parent disparaging the other parent, and they can often find themselves in loyalty conflicts. They often internalize parental disputes and feel that they are the sources of conflict. The best way to protect their long-term psychological adjustment is to make sure that they do not witness parental conflict during or after your divorce. This is not always the easiest thing to do when you’re in the midst of a separation or divorce, but if you can learn to separate marital issues from parenting responsibilities and prioritize your children’s needs, it is very doable. Even parents who have had high-conflict marriages can unite in a shared concern for their children and become motivated, collaborative co-parents.

In order to accomplish this, you’ll need to let go of things that didn’t work in your marital relationship while holding onto positive aspects of your parenting relationship. This doesn’t mean you and your ex need to be good friends, but it does mean that you need to respect each other as parents and recognize that you each play an important and unique role in your children’s lives. Divorce ends a marriage – not a family – so it’s important to reassure your children that your parenting relationship will continue long after the divorce agreement is finalized. If you and your ex-spouse recognize that you’ll have a life-long connection through many important life-cycle events (graduations, weddings, grandchildren, etc.), you can begin to appreciate the importance of collaborative co-parenting. Some co-parents find it helpful to use the metaphor of a “parenting team.” The kids need coaching throughout their lives, and the parents are the coaches who plan team strategies, coach from the sidelines, cheer the players on, and unite in their shared pride of the team’s accomplishments.

Here are some tips that may help you and your spouse create a healthy post-divorce co-parenting relationship:

• Focus on the present and future, not the past.
• Establish new rules and boundaries for your post-divorce relationship and define the limits of this new relationship.
• If possible, set up some common rules that apply to both households; if that is not possible, be sure your children know what is expected and acceptable in each home.
• Have a weekly co-parenting phone conference to discuss child issues.
• Set up a fax machine in each household so that school notices, school work, or spontaneous art work can be shared with each parent.
• Learn to agree to disagree – know that there are things you can control and things you can’t control – but never fight in front of your children.
• Remember that parenting schedules aren’t cast in stone: unexpected things will arise, and flexibility is necessary and important.

Irene M. Schatz, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Family Mediator. She has conducted extensive research on post-divorce co-parenting relationships and practices family mediation and family therapythrough Collaborative Divorce Consultants.