As much as all parties try to avoid it, some couples end up in front of a judge in their divorce. Sometimes it is just a perfunctory appearance in which the judge makes sure both parties understand their rights and the effects of the divorce agreement, they’ve made. Other times, it’s more complicated. The divorcing couple might have to make arguments or present evidence. And when they find themselves in court without a lawyer, it can be disconcerting. Of course, no article can fully prepare anyone for that process. But here’s my perspective on some common mistakes I’ve seen unrepresented people make and a few tips on how to take the edge off the process, so that if you need to represent yourself in a divorce court, you know what to do.
How to Represent Yourself in a Divorce Court without a Lawyer
- If you get the chance, go to the court beforehand and observe. Judges typically hear certain types of motions and procedures on different days; you should watch one like your own. Depending on the type, they may or may not be open to the public. But even if you can’t sit through a similar procedure, seeing where you are going and how things work will eliminate at least one layer of stress.
- Know the local rules. You can get them from the court clerk’s office or sometimes online. They will tell you how your court works. It will also give you an opportunity to learn about any assistance the court might offer to the unrepresented.
- On the day of your proceeding, dress and act in the same way you would for a job interview.
- Make sure you bring everything and everyone you need to court. Be organized. There is nothing worse than having to shuffle through papers when all eyes are on you. And if you want someone to testify to something, he must be there. You can’t tell the judge what he would have said.
- Observe all of the common courtesies. Be on time. Address the judge as “Judge” or “Your Honor”. Be respectful to the judge’s staff. They are an extension of the judge. These things sound silly, but they’re worth a mention. In a couple’s fight for freedom, good manners are usually the first casualty. Because the judge is often put in the position of judging your credibility and reasonableness, how you come across counts.
- If you are required to testify, don’t exaggerate or adjust the facts. Judges know what makes sense and what doesn’t. Also remember that the proceedings are being recorded. Don’t let a moment of emotional embellishment hurt your credibility.
- Don’t argue with the judge or with the other side and don’t speak out of turn. It isn’t necessary to blurt out, “That’s not true.” Judges know you two do not agree on what happened, otherwise you wouldn’t be there.
- Have a checklist of points you want to make. You’re nervous and in an unfamiliar environment. Things don’t always go as expected, and you are never quite sure what the other side is going to do. So if you have a checklist of the points you want to make, you’ll be less likely to forget to make them.
- Ask questions if you are confused. Don’t say you understand if you don’t.
- Don’t focus so much on the point you are trying to make that you don’t pay attention to the proceedings. You have to answer the judge’s questions and respond to what the other side says. You can’t do that if all you are thinking about is what you want to say.
As you can see, my advice here deals with both logistical and emotional preparation. Some of it sounds like simple common sense, and it is. But emotions often trump logic in this arena. You need to prepare both legally and emotionally and then make a conscious effort to step away and view the situation objectively, so you can show up fully armed, not with anger and attitude, but with information and rationality. If you follow this, you’ll be better prepared to represent yourself in divorce court.
Judge Lynn Toler, a graduate of Harvard and The University of Pennsylvania Law School, served as a municipal court judge for eight years. She presides over the courtroom on the nationally syndicated television show Divorce Court and is the author of the book My Mother’s Rules, a guide to greater emotional control.
This article is extremely well written and chalked full of helpful information. Thank you.
My attorney withdrew for communication issues he claims. I can’t afford another $6000 so I have 21 days to file prosae. I live in Illinois and u don’t know where to start please help me. My wife of 14 years has hidden monies my lawyer did not supeona. Plz help me I’m 64 and not in good health.
Same story here, except I’m 57! Tell me more! Did anyone help?
Communication, my foot!
Robert, contact your local court clerk and ask if they have any resources for someone representing themselves in court. Some jurisdictions hold pro se clinics or have websites to help pro se litigants.
How long does a party have to appeal the decision in iowa courts? My wife’s attorney appealed more than 60 days after the decision. Should I answer with a motion of any sort?
Great tips. As a San Diego Contested Divorce Attorney, I often encourage prospective clients to file for divorce In Pro Per. Filing In Pro Per is best when a divorcing couple has little to no debts, no children, and do not own real property together. One tip I would add is for In Pro Per litigants to research local attorneys that provide divorce consulting services. The attorney can provide them with insights and legal advice on how to prepare for trial.
Hello your honor, my attorney has declined to represent me because I do not have the $6000 to hire him for divorce court. I have 5 days left to file an answer to the court or my husband has set things up so that I won’t be able to petition the court ever again for my portion of his retirement or the kids beneficiary. Can you make some suggestions as to what I need to do to represent myself if necessary in the state of VA. My husband & I have been married 23 years & separated for almost 2.
Written by Yevette 02/16/17
If u file papers for an uncontested divorce, can u change it to contested divorce?
This information is useful and all but what about a divorce from a spouse with mental illnesses and has fled state with kids involved? To put it simple she has done nothing but turn everything I say around against me and refuses to return to the state or let me see my kids. She cries abuse but there is no proof, she has done nothing but lie to myself and others who care deeply for her and the kids she run off with.
What do you do in this situation, knowing what you face? When kids are involved and you are unsure if they are safe because of what the spouse may or may not do because of her mental illnesses? When she uses the kids to manipulate you to get what she wants and cuts you off when you don’t or can’t and refuses to only talk to you on social media rather than the phone? She blocks your number so you can’t call not just on your phone but any phone in your state to check on the condition of the kids
First of all You should’ve called the police for parental kidnapping.
I cant afford attorney.husband has used legal aidtoo and a hired attorney
I have a question and my question is can the prosecuting attorney of your county also represent your spouse as his personal attorney for a divorce case?
How can a woman who only married for financial gain and devoted absolutely nothing to the marriage,be entitled to anything?
I’m defending myself in divorce court. My ex has an attorney. I am the respondent. Is it a good tactic to show the court the plaintiffs character, prove to the court that she lies habitually or is it a better tactic to show the court that I am a good and deserving father. Shes trying to get full custody but I want it split. It’s a tough question for anyone not knowing circumstances and parties involved.
hello Travis,
I just read this message that you had posted back in Dec. I’m actually going through the same situation right now and I’m curious to know how things have been going for you and if you have any advice. thanks Carlos
My lawyer withdrew and kept my fee. I don’t have any money to afford another lawyer. I have to turn in tons of paperwork and documents for the 7years we have been married. I am so numb I don’t know where to begin. I am devastated because my soon to be ex has done nothing but lied on me and I’m so at a lost. He is even trying to get spousal support and for me to pay his lawyer fees. I can barely take care of myself and my bills are falling behind. I can’t sleep and I’m a nervous wreck. What is my best recourse without money to pay for another lawyer and 2weeks to turn in documents? Please advise me on we’re to turn for help. I feel like I’m losing it.
My wife had me removed from my home on a false claim that I was going to harm myself and others I had five state police take me to the hospital under a 302