I recently found out that my spouse is having an affair and wants a divorce.

I recently found out that my spouse is having an affair and wants a divorce.

Many divorcing individuals are surprised by the depth of pain they feel in response to this challenging life transition. Divorce is riddled with grief, and profound feelings of sadness. Even the most amicable divorces invoke pain, loss and a sense of despair.

It’s important to remember that the depth of your pain is not only connected to the person you were married to. You have lost your dream of forever, your lifestyle, your marital role and so much more. Studies show that the brain areas associated with the pain of romantic rejection are the same ones involved in physical pain, craving and addiction. With divorce you are feeling the loss of something you needed, depended on and loved. Attachments in marriage run deep so when one partner breaks the attachment bond, the pain of loss can feel unbearable and unsurvivable. The normal reaction to loss is grief, yet most of us never properly learned how to grieve. The old saying “time heals all wounds” is a fallacy leaving many grieving individuals stuck in their pain for too long.

Healing from divorce involves taking action to move through the pain to create a solid foundation based on authenticity and meaning.

Here are some steps you will need to start healing:

Learn how to grieve Process painful emotions instead of avoiding them Get relationship closure Start to know yourself again as an individual Renew and restart your life As you take action to heal your wounds you will begin to move on from your divorce and to build a foundation for a secure, fulfilling future.

Allison Pescosolido, M.A., is a divorce recovery specialist with advanced degrees in Psychology and certified Grief Recovery Specialist. She co-founded Divorce Detox, a center in Santa Monica, California that provides programs to individuals who are facing the challenges that come with separation and divorce. Divorce Detox provide support both locally and nationally. She can be reached at 888-456-7056 or view firm website or her Divorce Magazine online profile.