If You’re Angry

• Write it out. Work through your anger by keeping a journal or by writing letters you don’t mail.
• Shout it out. Roll up the windows in your car, or put your head in a pillow and scream. This will help you to drain some of the negative energy out of your body.
• Talk it out. It’s important when you’re angry to develop your own personal support system. Talk to a good friend (or two), or find a therapist who specializes in anger management.
• Re-examine your “core beliefs.” Often, anger is based on something that we believe is based on an observation from early childhood. The fallacy in this thinking is that as we grow older, our beliefs and decisions can become outdated.
• Take responsibility for your part of the marriage break-up. It is rare that both partners are exactly equal in the break up of a marriage, or even more rare in which one partner is solely at fault.
• Do some personal-growth work. Anger is a great motivator towards action, and it can propel you to take steps in your life to change situations.
• Learn what “pushes your buttons.” Try to understand your anger — and what triggers it — before you express it.
• Protect your children. Never make them part of your conflict with your former partner by withholding visitation for support. Don’t poison their minds against your ex.
• Keep conflicts at a moderate level. The other person will often match your level of intensity; choose your battles carefully.
• Use “I-messages” when expressing anger. Say “I feel disappointed when you don’t call.” Don’t say, “You stupid idiot, you’re always late!”
• Give yourself time to recover from the loss of your marriage. The healing process takes about two years. If you handle your emotions successfully, you’ll be in a more powerful position. When you don’t take the time to heal, you risk becoming vulnerable to your ex-spouse.
• Forgiveness is essential for healing. When you let go of the angry, hurtful feelings and access the love and caring that is in your heart, you will experience wholeness. You must forgive in order to heal fully. Forgive; let go; move on. Own your responsibility for the break-up, and realize that you have the power to make the choice to forgive and move on, or stay angry and remain stuck.

Andrea Brandt, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Therapist specializing in couple counseling, divorce, custody issues, and women’s concerns. She is a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.