Let’s Talk About Sex! Increasing passion and decreasing fear

Sometimes, sex can be a tricky and sensitive issue — especially when contemplating your first sexual encounter after a divorce. Why is this so? Because this is, unfortunately, a prime time in which awkward, unexpected feelings rise to the surface.

To re-ignite the joy and the pleasure of sex, you must first gain a clearer perspective on these two very common emotional stumbling blocks that can occur after a divorce:

Stumbling Block #1: When you blame sex for the break-up. When relationships come to an unhappy end, truly pleasurable sex may not have been part of the equation for quite some time. So in order to once again experience sex as an enjoyable facet of any relationship, you must first get beyond associating the act of having sex with the pain of divorce. After all, sex most likely wasn’t the issue that broke up the relationship in the first place — although it was possibly affected by the break-up.

Stumbling Block #2: When you confuse the role of sex in your old relationship with its place in your new relationship. Sometimes, we fall into the trap of associating our new and future sex lives with negative unresolved feelings from our past. For example, you may feel remorse over the simple and important act of having sex with another partner; or, you feel guilty over the pleasure you’re finding in sex now that you’re outside of what you once thought was a relationship that would last a lifetime.

When these feelings arise, the important thing is to acknowledge them as part of the healing process and move on.

Remember that sex is a joyous experience — and if you haven’t been honest about your feelings, you can’t feel the joy of sex.

Here are some tips that will help you put the passion back into your life:

Tip #1: Don’t be afraid of passion.
Even if you haven’t had sex in quite some time, you haven’t forgotten how. It’s like riding a bike: you never forget. Your balance quickly returns. Just remember that no one will be passing judgement on your sexual prowess. After all, it’s only one of the many facets that makes you a complete human being.

Tip #2: Don’t rush the process.
If you take your time, both you and your partner will enjoy the experience so much more. Make foreplay an important part of the overall process — and don’t forget to snuggle afterward.

Tip #3: Be creative.
Sex is so much more satisfying when you’re open to new experiences. Different sexual positions and techniques will enhance your lovemaking, as will anything you do to set the mood, such as candle-light (preferably scented), soft sheets, flowers, and aromatic oils. Love is a joy, therefore lovemaking should be joyous.

Tip #4: Always keep sex in perspective.
When we seek a mate, we have to remember that sex is only one of many facets that will sustain our attraction to that person. Just as important to passion are commitment, trust, and — of course — love.