Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: Dealing with Online Dating

I
did a book signing at Barnes and Noble and was greeted by this standard
opening from a fiftiesh redheaded woman. “What is up with all the men
who lie online?” There was some laughter, and some clapping as well. I
wasn’t at all surprised by the question, because if I were to talk in a
room of twenty five men, they’d undoubtedly ask the same question about
women.

My
pat answer in these situations is to attempt to empathize with the
liars without condoning their behavior. Let’s think: Why do people lie?
1) Because they’re insecure and 2) Because they know that if they tell
the truth, they won’t even get the date. Pretty straightforward, right?
Not for the women in the audience. In fact, not only did they bristle at
comparing male lies (bad) to female lies (not so bad), but it’s
uncivilized for a man to ask for a woman’s true age.

Huh?

Listen.
I can’t stop the lies, but I hope to stop the hypocrisy. Liars
condemning liars – especially when they bitch to me at cocktail parties –
is particularly exhausting.

So let’s throw out a few common issues and attempt to understand why the liar lies.

If
you’re a 5’5″ guy and 80% of short women won’t even go out with you,
you say you’re 5’8″ and hope your charm overcomes the lie. It doesn’t,
but you hope it does.

If
you’re a 175 lb woman, you may call yourself “firm and toned”. Yes, “a
few extra pounds” or even “large” would be a bit more accurate, but you
stick with your description because most guys won’t respond to the
truth. When you meet, you try to ignore that disappointed look he gives
you, because you’re at least getting your fair shot, right?

And
who can blame a young-at-heart 60 year old man or a youthful 40 year
old woman for tweaking the truth a tad? They know that due to
circumstances beyond their control, they’re off a lot of people’s
radars. So they fib a little – or a lot – to remain visible to other
online daters out there. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying that
it happens.

By
the very nature of this medium – single people corresponding by
computer prior to meeting – a decent percentage will not be fully
forthcoming about the truth. It makes sense. What percentage of us are
insecure? What percentage of us fail to meet the criteria on others’
mental checklists? What percentage of us are smart enough to know that
an honest 63 year old overweight woman does not meet many men’s
checklists, which is exactly why she posts that picture from six years
and thirty pounds ago.

My
point is not that we should embrace the liars in some sort of group
hug, or thank them for keeping us on our toes. Rather, we should attempt
to understand and accept the fact that this behavior is going to happen
– as sure as Ozzy’s gonna curse, or J.Lo’s gonna get divorced. Getting
angry solves nothing – all it does is make you sound bitter and
irrational, two traits that have never gotten anyone anywhere.

But since we can’t stop liars, here are a few precautions you can take in attempts to avoid them:

• Ask for more pictures.
  I don’t know how many times I have to see headshots that look like
  Natalie Portman, only to discover that she’s Natalie Portly in real
  life,. but I’ve learned my lesson. If I have extra photos of me taken
  within the last year or two, then there’s no excuse for someone else not
  to have them. I don’t know how many times I have to see headshots that
  look like Natalie Portman, only to discover that she’s Natalie Portly in
  real life,. but I’ve learned my lesson. If I have extra photos of me
  taken within the last year or two, then there’s no excuse for someone
  else not to have them.

• Consider the quality of the photos.
  Film and clothing looks different than it did ten years ago. Different
  hairstyles, different fashions, different color palette. If a picture
  looks dated, the person may very well be hiding something. Film and
  clothing looks different than it did ten years ago. Different
  hairstyles, different fashions, different color palette. If a picture
  looks dated, the person may very well be hiding something.

• Consider the composition of the photos.
  Really close up picture and no other supporting photos? Someone’s not
  happy with his/her body. Only see someone from the chest up? Same thing.
  Wearing all black, hidden behind friends, or obstructed by a plastic
  gorilla? That person is hiding, with good reason.. Really close up
  picture and no other supporting photos? Someone’s not happy with his/her
  body. Only see someone from the chest up? Same thing. Wearing all
  black, hidden behind friends, or obstructed by a plastic gorilla? That
  person is hiding, with good reason.

• Think logically.
  You never want to stress the physical, either on your profile or on the
  phone, but if something doesn’t add up, make a note of it. A guy who
  calls himself “ripped” but doesn’t do anything athletic is not telling
  you the truth. Same with the woman who claims she’s 39 but has two
  grandkids.You never want to stress the physical, either on your profile
  or on the phone, but if something doesn’t add up, make a note of it. A
  guy who calls himself “ripped” but doesn’t do anything athletic is not
  telling you the truth. Same with the woman who claims she’s 39 but has
  two grandkids.

I
will go on record and say that it’s okay for someone to lie about
his/her age ONLY if the person acknowledges the truth later in the
profile. Lying to make yourself appear in people’s arbitrarily narrow
search criteria is a far cry from lying with intent to deceive.

Getting
mad at liars is also déclassé. I’ve talked with a couple of guys who
were so angry at being lied to that they acted embarrassingly. One told
off the woman who took three years off her age. The other turned around
and LEFT the woman who didn’t live up to her picture. To me, this is two
wrongs failing to make a right. The liar screwed up, and will pay
because she won’t get a second date, but that’s no reason to scar her
for life.

If
someone deceives you with a photo, be a class act by not only being
gracious, but by not lying yourself. Congratulations, you’ve done all
that anybody can possibly do to clean up the whole online dating scene.

E-Cyrano Poll:
What’s the most common lie?
Height:	You really shouldn’t be allowed on this ride
Weight:	I meant now, not ten years ago.
Age:	I meant now, not ten years ago.
Income:	Not that money matters or anything.
Profile:	But you said you LIKED long walks on the beach!

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Evan
Marc Katz is the author of “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book,” A
Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating, and the C.E.O. of
online dating consulting service E-Cyrano.com. He can be reached through
his website at www.evanmarckatz.com.