I’ve been divorced for almost three years, and I’m currently dating two different men. The sex is truly awesome with “Bill,” but we don’t have much in common outside the bedroom. I’m starting to feel that “Frank” is my soul mate, but I’m not particularly physically attracted to him. I’m almost scared to sleep with him in case it’s awful and it wrecks our relationship, which has become very important to me. I think I might love Frank, and I’m wondering whether it’s possible that lust will come later? I want it all!
Don’t we all want it all! Try this mental exercise, which might shed some light on your issue. Look at your relationship history from adolescence until the present. Now, take out the infatuation period of each relationship: eliminate the times when you were falling in love, lusting after some handsome stranger, and/or felt you couldn’t wait to get your hands on the guy. Now look at your love line, and ask yourself: “How important is sex to me over the long haul in a relationship?” Statistically, only 10% of couples say sex is the most important aspect of happiness and stability, while 80% say compatibility is the most important. Only you know if you’re in the 10% or the 80% group.
Now I’ll deal with your question of whether or not it’s possible that lust will come later with Frank. It definitely will not happen while you’re being sexual with Bill — at least, not while the sex is truly awesome. It might be helpful to know that, in most cases, extraordinary sex that lasts longer than six months is usually fueled by some form of uncertainty. Sex might be exciting with Bill because:
It’s still early, intuitively you know it won’t last, or your psyche is saying “this isn’t going to work, but it feels so good, hang in there for the thrill.”
In addition, amazing sex usually involves a great deal of surrender, and I don’t know how comfortable you are giving up this much control in a long-term relationship. Finally, if you stay with one person long enough, no matter how incredible the sex is in the beginning, you will have to work at making love exciting. Sooner or later, you’ll have to put effort into any relationship one way or another.
I’ve always been very self-conscious about my body, and the fact that my ex-wife made negative comments about the way I looked didn’t help. I’ve been dating a wonderful woman for a few months, and the next natural step is for us to make love. But the thought of being naked in front of her scares me to death, and I’m worried I won’t be able to perform. How can I get over this?
I really appreciate your honesty about your body image as well as your performance. If the truth were known, very few people are satisfied with the way they look — or their competence as a lover. Your forthrightness is refreshing and I predict that you are destined to have an incredibly satisfying love life. Meanwhile, let’s address the situation you’ve described.
To reiterate, your honesty is a natural turn on — hold on to it! Millions of women know that it’s easier to make a good man hard than a hard man good. Meanwhile, the antidote to your current sexual anxiety is sensuality. This means slowing down and enjoying all your senses.
Visual stimulation, which includes how you look and act as a lover, is just one of five ways to stimulate your partner sexually. In fact, at the height of ecstasy, how you look is not relevant because her eyes will likely be closed! So take it easy, enjoy the touching and caressing, taste the juiciness of love, smell the aroma of heated bodies, hear the music of eroticism and feel what it is like to enjoy the sensation of flesh against flesh. When you look in her eyes, take time to see her. Hold her gaze a little longer to capture her attention. When you touch her, focus on the texture of her skin. Use your tongue to explore her body. Learn the rhythm of each note in the sound of her voice. The more you focus on pleasure and appreciate lovemaking, the more you’ll forget about the superficial factors, such as physique or technique. The only natural aphrodisiac is an energized lover turned on to you! Pay attention to your partner and the enjoyment of the moment; the rest will take care of itself.
I’ve been divorced for a couple of years after a ten-year marriage to an emotionally-distant man. I’ve been dating “Peter” for about six months now; the sex is fantastic, but as soon as it’s over, he leaps out of bed like he was being shot out of a cannon. The only time Peter is able to be intimate with me is during sex. Is this relationship doomed to follow the same pattern as my marriage/divorce?
Peter leaps out of bed; you leap to conclusions, my advice is for each of you to slow down and tune in to one another. Who knows why Peter acts like cannon fodder; you may excite him so much he can’t contain himself. My concern is that you’re wired to see all men as emotionally distant given the ten-plus years you spent with your ex-husband. Just because your ex was this way doesn’t mean all men are. In fact, research shows that men are far more emotionally involved that women give them credit for. I recommend that you start looking for the soft, intimate parts of your new love and acknowledge him for these attributes. Confirmational bias guarantees that you will always see what you’re looking for. That’s the good news and the bad news. If you believe this man is sensitive and emotionally available, then you’ll find evidence right before your eyes. Become a detective: don’t stop looking until you find the diamond in the rough.
One point to remember: a man loves to succeed and please the woman in his life. Reward and acknowledge every moment your lover stays in your arms after orgasm. Stroke him, snuggle him, and give him what he wants. Please him while you’re pleasing yourself. This is a case where you can get more flies with honey than vinegar. If there’s an emotionally distant man in a relationship, there’s always a woman reminding him how inadequate he is. Don’t be that woman!
I’ve been friends with a guy for a couple of years now, and our relationship turned romantic last month. My problem is that he not only talks constantly during sex, he insists that I do so, too. Every time I start to enjoy myself, he demands that I tell him everything I’m thinking and feeling. It’s totally distracting! He can only orgasm if I’m talking to him, but I can only orgasm when I’m not. Can you suggest a compromise so we can both enjoy ourselves?
A compromise often means neither person gets his/her first choice, so why not take turns? Differences in sexual desire are very common in relationships — in fact, that’s the norm. Utilizing differences to keep passion alive is one of the characteristics of a mature relationship. My hunch is that each of you has something to learn from the other’s style of lovemaking. Regardless, this is just one of many differences you will need to address if this relationship continues on its new romantic course.
In order to continue a love relationship in a satisfying manner, you need to muster the energy to pleasure your partner in the way he desires. Do it with gusto and generosity — you’ll be surprised at the outcome. However, that’s not the end of the story. You need to tell your partner what it is that you need to be satisfied sexually. It’s not too soon to let your boyfriend know that your needs are as important as his are. It’s also a vital lesson in life to realize that people are different and their desires are too. Fortunately, there is pleasure in giving as well as receiving, and the differences between you two provide an excellent opportunity to experience the joy of both. Once you explain how much you would enjoy just being able to savor every moment of the sexual experience with him and focus your full attention on pleasure, I think he’ll be motivated to participate in sex in silent ecstasy. If not, go back to square one — i.e., being friends — that model had a better track record.
One form of compromise you might work on down the road is to learn to share the pleasure of sensual, sexual loveplay while following your partner’s wishes. Instead of seeing his expectations as demands, see them as an invitation. If he’s pushing the right buttons (using effective foreplay), it won’t matter if he’s talking, singing, or reciting a poem.
My main piece of advice is to resist the temptation to make one of you right and the other wrong. Fact is, your preferences are simply different.
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