Here is an explanation of the different “types” of cheaters and the six types of sexual addicts identified by Dr. Weiss. Learn more about them!
The Six Different Types of Cheaters
1. The Hunter Cheater
It is the cheating heart, who is very intentional about his behavior, that I term “The Hunter.” This addict is mostly looking for participants in his game. This could take place at weddings, their child’s birthday party or even on their honeymoon where they are cruising for victims. They are looking for the weak, needy or another sex addict for a quick hit. They tend to have pickup lines or a clear modus operandi to capture their prey. The hunter rarely is looking for an equal, because an equal could hurt them. This could be a doctor or lawyer whose prey is the secretary, waitress or woman at a bar. I often have to highlight for hunters they are really picking up wounded sparrows, not hunting for eagles. They tend to be the smart, successful, smooth-talking guy who exudes a certain sexual or narcissistic energy. It’s all about them and their needs. The stench of entitlement is also present in the hunter’s heart.
2. The Hero/Nice Guy
Ken is the nice guy at work. He does his job and seems to make time for chitchat. He gravitates to the females at work. He asks about their work load, their husbands or if they need help with a project, even a home project, especially if the woman is divorced. He is always quick with a compliment on how a woman is dressed and knows when to tell a slightly off-colored joke or two. As a woman, you will always feel special around Ken.
This is the person who “wants to help.” This type of cheater can see a victim’s need a mile away, and they want to rescue the maiden in distress, so to speak. This person wants to be a friend to their victim, talk about the victim’s life, marriage, kids or job. This nice guy wants you, the victim, to know they really care.
The hero/nice guy’s adulterous heart is quick to praise, quick to appreciate and quick to pick up on cues as to whether you are starting to trust them. They get excited when the victim trusts them, because they are close to the kill. Even after sex, they want to be seen by the victim and themselves as a nice person. This addict will victimize a woman, engage in several sexual encounters and will exit the relationship, because he loves his kids or thinks the victim should give her husband another chance. Even after victimizing the other person, they want to be thought of by everyone as the nice person they need to believe they are. It takes a little while to see themselves as perpetrators, because they really want to hang on to the image of a hero or nice person. Honestly, heroes and nice people don’t cheat. It’s that simple.
This is the person who is most likely to tell the victim they care for them, love them and tell them they’re special or that they have a future together. They don’t really mean it, but it does make them feel better as to why they are cheating.
3. The Hurt/Wounded
Max is depressed, a little overweight, enjoys video games and goes to the sports bar. He seems like a loner. He’s attractive but acts shy. If approached, he lights up and is quick to tell you about his parents dying, the last job he lost or his feelings about the last team that lost. He looks like a lost, little puppy that with just a little love from the right kind of woman could make a man out of him.
The hurt or wounded type of cheater is exactly the opposite of the others we have discussed so far. This man plays the victim role. Their spouse doesn’t love them, appreciate them or have sex with them. This is the person who is looking for someone, anyone to help them in life. They are the person you feel sorry for. That is their way of reeling in their victims. The addict wants the victim to feel like she is helping him, and she is significant, respected and valued by him.
This person tends to underachieve in life and, in relationships, just can’t seem to get it right until their victim comes into their life. They are constantly looking to be saved, helped or delivered from their circumstances or current bad marriage. They attack victims by their neediness.
Oftentimes, this type of cheater doesn’t want to grow up. He wants others to do the hard work of life and be responsible. If they grew up, they wouldn’t know how to attract victims since this has been their method of acting out for so long.
I remember a female sex addict and I discussed her hurt, wounded, cheating heart. She said something like, “I go out to the bar, act like I need help, tell them how my overweight husband won’t have sex with me, and it works every time.” She was able to see that she was the predator, and her lure was this hurt, wounded girl who needed to be rescued from a lack of sex. Unfortunately, neither she nor her husband chose recovery, and she continued acting out.
4. The Opportunist
Sharlene is a 35-year-old, never married, southern bell. She talks like she’s from the South, wears tight clothes and has an amazing smile. She spends a lot of time in public places, looking for that smile to be returned. She’s quick to say hello and asks a few questions, needing some advice from men regularly. She is always touching men on their arms or shoulders and giving that look wondering, “Do you like what you see?” She’s had sex with six married men in just a month, and she really likes each one.
This cheating heart is the trickiest to detect. They don’t necessarily have a victim profile at all. Their victims are any shape, age and socioeconomic class. This heart is looking for the magic look of interest or energy. The other person could be twenty years older or younger, fat or skinny, rich or poor. This heart is exhilarated by being wanted or desired. It’s as if their heart has a gas tank of “want me,” and anyone who does want them lights the match and wham. It doesn’t matter what the package is, be it the cleaning woman, nanny, pool boy, secretary or dog groomer. It only matters that there is an opportunity.
These people don’t even make sense to themselves. They can’t see the opportunist theme until you point it out to them. Then voila, it makes sense why any shape, size or personality doesn’t matter. These people eventually snag a crazy person that can create real havoc in their life.
5. The Professional
Richard is a CEO of an American arm of a huge international company. He is a six-foot-six, sharp-looking man in great shape and has a commanding intellect. Richard has an attractive wife, two adult children and three homes. Richard is known to travel regularly to the same three locations: China, Brazil and Germany. When he is on his trip, he has arranged for sexual services as part of his trip. He knows exactly what days he will have available, and in two of the three locations, he has had the same women for three years.
This type of cheater is typically a man. Often, this guy is also a sexual or intimacy anorexic. He is not looking for love, nor does he care about the other person’s wants, needs or what they think of him. He wants to be serviced. He may or may not have a specific type of service in mind. He believes he is paying for the confidentiality of their sexual acts.
This person tends to have stashes of cash that nobody is aware of. They want to look normal to themselves. They have the nice wife, kids and regular vacations, but they want to be bad when they want to be bad. They rationalize, “Nobody knows, nobody gets hurt.” They don’t see their disconnectedness as a problem but as strength. If they do engage someone who is not a prostitute or stripper, then they will often control the other person with money. When they feel safe with an arrangement, they might stick to one person, because safety is more important than variety.
6. The Fetish Cheater
Anthony has a corporate job in a major city. He has been married to Lynn for nine years. They don’t have any children, and truth be known, they have little sex. Anthony states his overtime is to prove himself, so he can be promoted. Lynn feels alone, unwanted, like a roommate and has gained 15 extra pounds since being married to Anthony. Anthony is a cross-dresser. He likes to go out in public as a woman, and then have sex with another cross-dresser. His cross-dressing partner keeps his female clothes close by his office. He likes to go to a coffee shop or restaurant, have some food and go to his partner’s apartment and have sex a couple times a week.
This is a very specific type of cheater. They only want one flavor of ice cream. Their fetish is usually very restrictive. Oddly enough, they will pass up other available sexual opportunities outside their fetish appetite. This cheater is about one thing, the fix. It’s rarely relational. It’s about doing, watching or participating in a very specific sexual act.
This type of cheater will go to great lengths and, sometimes, great risk to receive a very specific fix. This cheating heart is also compartmentalized and often has a sense of entitlement. My experience with the fetish cheater is that, many times, they are intimacy and sexually anorexic in their marriage as well.
This article has been excerpted from Addicted to Adultery: The Other Reason Spouses Cheat (Discovery Press, 2010) by Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. The Executive Director at Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado for more than 20 years, Dr. Weiss has had the opportunity to help many men and women break free from their sexual addiction.
This was absolute garbage, completely insulting to all parties involved, and more than a little presumptive.
To simplify the human psyche & sexuality to 6 “styles” of cheater, no matter how vague, is like saying there are “6 styles of food”.
You do make a small point, Chuck. Which character offends you most? I find it a bit enlightening.
I think these are quite accurate, however, cheaters can also be a combination of any of these which would certainly make the number of “types” of cheaters larger. They don’t have to fit one perfectly, but can have characteristics from several types.
Why do you assume that all cheaters are men of the six types
If you discover your spouse is cheating… Run and do not look back…. They take a sick pleasure in knowing they are emotionally abusing … And you have not any idea what is going on.. Although your lufe seems to in chaos and you cannot understand any it… Your friends think you are losing your mind…. But they do not know that you are being emotionally abused by this oaths logical liar and cheater…. My spouse .. On our honeymoon.. Took me to a house of hookers… And I got scared and said I want to leave… He was quiet for weeks and I was not sure who I married …. Ultimately the years of cheating continued only I had no idea… We divorced under the notion of Just not getting along… I later discovered through phone records he had been having many affairs…. WhAt recourse did I have… We were already divorced…. I was further humiliated in the discovery that he “got away with it”…..
I’ve had an emotional affair with a married man and caused the breakdown of his marriage. . . Am I wrong with what I did. . I’m married.
Yes dumb-dumb you are wrong for doing that!!!
Yes idiot you are
This entire article is a load of twaddle. People cheat because they’re not getting their needs met in the relationship. That could be any amount of either or both people’s faults. Perhaps a little bit less judgment in a little bit more human kindness is in order.
the married man must have acted like a victim of a vicious wife and that his marriage was anything but a sham. I am married to one such man and I am still with him because I have two kids and am figuring out my next course of action if any. I discovered his affair with another woman and he continued to lie to me about it being just friendship. when I confronted the other woman, I found out a lot of other things that my husband had not told me about. first things first though, you are married and you have destroyed your marriage. The day your spouse discovers your affair, it will cause a lot of pain to your own family. I do not understand how you can possibly think that such deceptive acts will not destroy innocent victims of both families. My daughter now knows and she will live with this reality that her father ( a person you should look upto) treated her mother poorly and went about having an affair. The devastation is immense and selfish individuals do not care for the impact to their “supposedly loved ones”
My husband did the same thing but he had two women on the go. He did not care about his family or the damage it has inflicted on our daughter or my self. All the time he expressed he loved me I was his life he would never harm me or our family. Liar liar he is still lying today but we no longer live together and he thinks I believe everything he says.
My husband broke up 2 marriages and destroyed 8 kids lives plus grandchildren with a woman he worked with for 10 years plotting me in the middle so his ex wife with the lawsuit wouldn’t know than he married her after both divorces.
Husband did this twice and with the same woman. The other woman is also married but he of course denies having the affair. Is there such a thing as friends when you often drive 5 hours away just to visit a married woman friend without telling your wife if you’re not hiding anything. Their emotional affair lives on and now, he is making up stories that I am the one having an affair. He got caught but he can’t bear the fact that his image that he is trying to protect is nothing but a huge lie.
It does take longer for some to realize that it’s over and women who are victims of deceit reacts differently.
It does help when you have a strong support system.
-Not a victim but a survivor
Yes very wrong you hurt more then yourself you helped in destroying some ones life
I’m amazed you even have to ask that? The whole “did I do that?” game you are playing now leaves me to believe that this is just another way if you need to get undeserved attention as well as move on to somebody else whether they’re married or not with no regard to your husband whatsoever. There are times when I think that some actions should be Criminal and yours is one of them.
What I don’t understand is how does a relationship continues with a blind sided partner? Every person who responded stated they were basically blind sided and it was devastating when they found out their partner cheated. Really? Are you an active participant in the relationship? Trust me the signs are there long before you found out and you chose to ignore them in hopes it is not true and it would go away. I have been in numerous relationships and once we agree to be exclusive I know relatively quickly if this agreement is being honored. I have never been blind sided by a cheating partner. In addition, what I find it even more interesting is how devastated the person is who was cheated on. If you knew all along then you shouldn’t be devastated. You should be thankful. No more game playing, dishonesty and lies. The jig is up. The game is over. Move on and don’t look back. I realize it is different when kids are involved but I was in a 15 year relationship I suspected my partner was cheating by his sudden disinterest in me and all the excuses made to pretend doing things together yet this sudden change in grooming habits or what I call unexpected and sudden guilt sex. Trust me people the signs are there. Once I confirmed it I never confronted my partner. I just ended it and stated it was me and I am having issues and I need time alone. I felt this person doesn’t deserve my respect or explanation since they ended the relationship without my consent and if confronted would lie anyway.
You’re so right. If or when confronted, they will lie and deny. Just leave.
I agree. First response that makes sense for me. I tried your method. It’s not easy.
since husband cheated I just don’t know what to do we were married 29yrs he left a month ago and hasn’t gave me or our son a second thought since he told me that he had been talking to this hoe for 5 months.i call her that because she knew he was married so I blame her to she should have found her own man instead of taking my man.she is a c.n.a nurse in Middlesboro ky she a hoe he moved me here 6yrs ago I don’t know nobody here but his family and they have disowned us now too.they haven’t talk to us since he left to go live with the h**.i don’t know what to do now
Pretty sure my husband is #2, sad to say. He always explained away how he to talked to other women (sometimes inappropriately) as “supporting them”. I always thought it was odd how so many of his female friends at that point were going through so much turmoil. Now I just realize he was actually going specifically for the ones who were vulnerable, not that he happened to have a lot of friends in tough spots. If that had been it, he would have spoken the same way to his male friends having problems. He didn’t. But, at this point I know he’s been unfaithful at least emotionally and romantically. I can’t prove anything physical, but with the times we now both know he lied about being at work. Well… I’m really starting to think he’s always just been a serial cheater with everybody. The more he spoke of past relationships, there’s no way there wasn’t some overlap. Just makes me roll my eyes when he talks about the times his ex cheated on him. I used to feel bad for him as someone who understands that pain, now I just wonder if it was out of revenge. Eh. If I’m not going to leave, I just have to be okay with being cheated on sometimes. I’m starting to become so jaded.
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