They say that there are different stages of grief during and after divorce. There are different variations, but they are very similar to the stages of grief when dealing with a death of a loved one.
Out of the many experts or folks who like to think of themselves as experts, most agree that these stages don’t necessarily go in an exact order. When you have moved on to one, you can certainly revert to another. The stages I experienced and you will probably also experience are as follows.
7 Stages of Grief During and After Divorce
1. Denial
You can’t believe this is actually happening. I really didn’t have too much of this. It had been coming for some time.
2. Pain and Fear
This really hurts in many ways, and how am I going to go on by myself emotionally, monetarily, etc.? You will feel all kinds of pain during your divorce; some of it will never go away. That’s OK, though. Pain lets you know you’re still alive; it can be your friend. Pain is also the great motivator. Pain gets you off of your ass and makes you do something to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
There was a poster in the academy that read, “Pain is weakness leaving your body!” I thought of that poster many times when I thought I was going to die after running until I felt like I was going to pass out. It’s OK to be afraid during this time. My biggest fears were if my kids would be OK during and after all this mess. I also had the fear of losing my home and a host of other financial problems. I made it through all the mess – and you will, too!
3. Anger
How could the person I exchanged vows with in front of God, family, and friends be doing this? I don’t deserve this. I was angry because Sam made the whole divorce into an epic battle when it didn’t have to be. I would add frustration with this emotion. You will experience both. Don’t let these emotions make you do something stupid or cloud your judgment too much.
4. Bargaining
You might start to promise your spouse mostly unrealistic things to stop the action. Or you tell yourself you will stop or start a behavior to change this. Please don’t embarrass yourself. Odds are the ball is rolling; don’t beg your spouse to stop the divorce if it’s inevitable. Keep your chin up! You might also start bargaining with God. It’s amazing how religious I’ve seen people get during crises, saying things like, “I promise I won’t do X if you just let me have my life back” or the opposite, “I hate you, God! How could you of let this happen?”
I like to think I have a good relationship with the big guy and try not to blame him for my woes. I did, however, say my prayers every night before I went to sleep. I tried not to sound too needy and understood he had bigger fish to fry, but if he had a spare couple of seconds, I could use some help.
5. Guilt
You believe it’s all your fault – maybe a lot of it is. I’m totally screwing up my kids’ lives, and they will wind up in an orphanage. Try to take it easy on yourself. If most of the divorce is your fault, accept that fact and for God’s sake learn from your mistakes. Guilt is like a 100-pound weight strapped to your ankle. You have to get rid of it before you can move forward.
6. Depression
This is all settling in now. The person I was supposed to have loved and he/she love me back has betrayed me. I’m looking at Internet dating, bar scenes, and whatever else single people do nowadays. You get to become friends with embarrassment, serious money problems, and a host of other problems. Depression is inevitable during and after a divorce. Accept it and deal with it. It should dissipate with time. If you’re having more depression than what you think you can handle, get some help! Or just get some help if you’re just mildly depressed. Doctors, therapists, peer support groups, and friends can be a big help.
7. Acceptance
This really is happening to me. I have to devise some coping mechanisms and strategies to deal with all of this. There is no running away from it anymore. Time to face the music: I was already divorced in my head long before Sam filed. It would take a lot of time to accept all of this if I didn’t want a divorce and didn’t see it coming.
So you are divorced now. Grab an ore and jump in my canoe. Join the millions of other folks that have survived this life-changing event. You are not alone! I sincerely hope you and your kids will go on to a happy, healthy life together. Nothing is going to be exactly the same as when you were married. I know for some that is a bitter pill to swallow, but for others, it is a relief. It’s time to build a new life with your kids and perhaps eventually with a partner.
This article has been edited and excerpted from Divorced Dad: Kids are Forever, Wives are Not (CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, 2016) by L.J. Burke. With a blend of personal stories and advice, L.J. Burke guides fathers through the different phases of divorce.
This was such a great article and hit everything I have been feeling. It hurts so much and I feel like a failure, but I know it’s going to be okay very soon.
You are not a failure! Keep pushing forward!! You will survive this and flourish.
Feel free to PM me on facebook.
The pain I feel is unreal sometimes. I feel like there is no way this could be happening and why now. We had so much time together and it ends like this, and we are separated right now heading down in a spiral. I can not even believe it, I feel like I have failed as a dad and a husband. And if this goes down will I ever be loved again, how will I interact with my kids. How will I live with the fact the my wife is interested in another man……it’s all overwhelming.
If it is going to happen, it is going to happen. If it is inevitable do your best to make things as comfortable as possible for your kids. You will interact with them like you have been all of their lives, be a good Dad. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You are not alone. There are millions of other guys out there that have been or have gone through this scenario. We have all survived, and so have their kids. If there is going to be a divorce, get yourself a good attorney and get through the process. Take it one day at a time and be sure to take care of yourself. Don’t fall down the “I feel sorry for myself” hole. Stay as positive as you can and make sure you don’t bad mouth your wife in front of your kids and do not put them in the middle of any of this! You and your kids will survive all of this.
I am in the depression stage. Eventhough its not my fault, my only fault is picking an inadequate spouse whom has abused me physically, broken me down emotionally, neglected me with his pornography addiction since only a month after our wedding (so much for forsaking ALL others), and has within recent months reverted back to the maturity of a teenager through chronic marijuana abuse, and God only knows what else I don’t know. I feel angry at myself for trusting again when I have been hurt by every man in my life beginning with my abusive father. I will never marry again. Once the I dos are said, and the ring is on your finger, the real man shows up. I want out of this nightmare, this hell, that has become my life. I thought I was getting my happily ever after, finally, done. I feel like a complete fool. I pray that my spouse accepts the divorce like an adult so I can finally have my peace back. I need to heal from all the paun and suffering endured by a man who promised to love and care for me forever. He has broken this promise and I have given him too much grace. I leave my marriage with the remainder of my dignity that I have left. May I finally be at peace once again, even if that means a life of loneliness, at the very least I will never have to suffer at the hands of a man again. Despite all odds I do not leave this marriage a broken woman, I leave this marriage knowing that I did my best, knowing that I never commited adultery (digital or otherwise) like he has done. I will come out on top, from the other side, and may God fill my spirit with his love again.
You are right. It is hard for the faithful spouse to not blame himself so the guilt of not being enough is heavy. You keep trying to think back to what you could have done when most of the time you did nothing wrong. Guilt is a boat anchor to your heart. It is still hard for me as I’m going through this now but I know I did not do anything to deserve betrayal. I just have to convince my heart of this truth. I’m in survival mode. Crying is frequent and comes on out of the blue. I can’t wait to be the person I’ll be on the other side of this tragedy. I pray for the healing and restoration of all who are experiencing this right now. Jesus, be our hearts and life.
It’s all I’m feeling right now. My husband left on 6/1 and doesn’t want to talk to me unless it has to do with the kids. He says he hasn’t found someone but he’s not even willing to figure it out and go to counseling. I just can’t believe ALL we have been through including loosing our baby after she only lived 24 days and all the times I could have left him for how he’s treated me and now this is it, he wants a divorce. I am trying so hard not to regret because I love my kids but I should have known better! We fought and broke up multiple times when we dated and he had been married twice. He is so selfish he really is. Almost married 9 years. He refuses counseling. I feel hopeless. Just when I start feeling strong he will text or say he wants to see the kids and then I have to face him and face the fact that he doesn’t love me. How can you just stop loving someone with a snap of a finger. I’m broken.
I am so sorry for how you are feeling, I know that feeling, a panic pain deep in the chest and feeling totally baffled..after 24 yrs of marriage two kids, we went from happily married Oct 15 to living apart and filed for seperation by Oct 30th..no emotion acts like a totally different person..All I can say is take it one day at a time..talk and vent to friends..let the anger out it will make you sick.. focus on one day at a time small goals don’t give him the power over you and the best way to get his attention is to remove yours….
don’t let him see that you’re phased even though you are, you’ll get through this.. even though you have to go through this it appears that him leaving in the end will be a gift for you and your future stay strong..
It’s been two years and I’m still struggling. I go to church and pray. I’m a Sunday school teacher for crying out loud. It’s not him that I miss, it’s me that I miss. I hate my insecurities and fear of closeness. I have healed some, but I have a long way to go. I Don’t want him back, I want me back. He has girlfriend after girlfriend and I have yet to even look at anyone that way yet. I have four children and am a single mom, who would want that baggage?!? ( not looking for sympathy just being real ) I’m half scared and half relieved to think that the romance part of my life is over. I’m 35 and a single mom to four beautiful children, but a complete failure at relationships. He cheated and I’m suffering for it still. I turned to God and he left. I can’t watch certain movies or listen to certain songs. They are tiggers to feelings I have to avoid. The people around me think I’m doing really great I have a great job and nice house, but I don’t sleep well and cry a lot when I’m alone. I hide this from my children but when they go to him I can let it out. I know he never loved me now but it’s still hard to cope. Thanks for letting me vent. It’s easy because I have no idea who you people are. Pray for me.
I’ll pray for you. By any chance are you a member of the LDS faith?
i will also pray for you. Two years sounds like a lot of time to go by for some but not for others if part of your life feels on hold. I have 10 months since I found out about my wife’s infidelity. I never thought I would feel good again. Just when I had planned and accepted that I was going to be alone and learn to be ok being alone, God answered my prayers in a way I did not expect. Short version is I am now with someone I’ve known for 9 years and from my church even. To my great surprise, God was answering her prayers as well but she had been praying for someone to come into her life much longer than I could imagine. I still have a lot of psychological issues but it is actually getting better with time. I’m lucky. My ex and I are better friends now than we have ever been and work together for the common good of our two children. I pray that God will give you romance in the future and power to live and find yourself ( I am still discover who the heck I am now). You sound like a strong-willed person. I’m stubborn as hell but that works for me. lol . God bless you as you heal from this. Do try to enjoy smaller parts of your day. For me, I made the mistake of worshipping another person in God’s place. Never again. It is scary to be with someone else and be vulnerable, etc. 20 plus years with the same person, anything beyond what I’ve known will feel strange for a time. One day at a time as they say. Just today, be well. Be at peace that the God of heaven loves you and knows your struggles. (sleep has been a major challenge for me as well) It is getting better. It just doesn’t happen as quickly as we desire.
I’m going through a terrible feeling right now
Nauseous
I was doing well but then it seemed to just creep back into my life mo need to take control but it’s so hard
And during a pandemic
Lord help me
I think I am either nearing the end of stage 6 and the beginning of stage 7. In either case… I went through all of these stages up to this point pretty much spot on. They were all very painful. The most painful 8 months of my life. I have suffered more loss in death than 10 people combined who are my age(age 50 Retired military 7 deployments). I truly did love my wife. I didn’t see it coming. Came home, and found a note on the table after just 1 year and 2 weeks of marriage. And she never spoke to me again. Saying I was crushed is such an understatement. It’s a misery and pain and anguish that keeps on giving. It seems endless, hopeless, and never ending. Each day was filled with pain, and tears. I feel for anyone who has gone through it now. My heart goes out to all who have suffered over this. Mine was pretty severe. And I’m not totally done yet.. Even though I had tried not to become angry and allow anger and bitterness to come in.. It has. My anger came during stage 6. And i am indeed pissed and angry. I am trying to move on..