Tips for Surviving Divorce

The Divorce Process

• Divorce is not an event; it’s a process.
  Whether it takes three weeks, three months, or three years, nothing
  will be solved immediately. Take a deep breath and relax as much as you
  can.

• There
  are steps most people go through in the process of a separation and
  divorce, similar to the steps in the grieving process after a death:
  denial, anger, grief, and acceptance. A person in the denial stage can
  go through the motions of filing paperwork, but will not be “ready” for a
  divorce until the steps are completed.

• Often,
  partners do not progress through these steps at the same speed or same
  time. A spouse who has been secretly planning to leave the marriage for
  some time may have gone through all four stages before the spouse who’s
  left behind becomes aware there’s a problem. The process should and can
  wait until the second spouse works through his or her feelings.

• Two issues should be handled expeditiously: 1) You and the children must be safe. 2) You and the children must have a roof over your heads and food on the table. These are survival questions. Once they’re provided for, the rest can take as long as you need.

• Unless a survival issue is at hand, there’s no reason to rush to file a divorce. Often there is no advantage to filing first. Wait until you feel you can handle it, both financially and psychologically.

• The longer you have been invested in a marriage, the more thought you should give to working to save it, if that’s possible. Marriage counseling,
  if both parties put their hearts into it, often helps. If there is no
  hope, either because of misconduct or a lack of love, then you should
  give some thought to ending the relationship
  expeditiously. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal. You don’t have the
  opportunity to do it again, if you regret being unhappy for ten or 20
  years by failing to take action.

• You
  can always “win” a divorce the hard way, cutting and slashing, with a
  winner-take-all attitude. It will cost you a lot more, both in money and
  mental health. But will it really be worth it ten years from now? There are some people who can have a “friendly” divorce.

• There are some people who can’t. If you’re one of the former, work through your settlement and go on with your lives.

• If
  you’re one of the latter, deal with the abuse or the adultery or the
  immediate problem as distantly as you can, and try to settle the rest.
  No one will expect you to be best friends. But you have the ability to
  take control of whatever issues are not too painful and work through
  them. Empower yourself.

• When
  you’re going through a divorce, everyone will have war stories and
  advice for you. What you really need to know is that each legal process
  is different, because the facts of each person’s existence are never
  identical. Just because Joe or Sandy at your shop pays $100 a month in child support or got the house doesn’t mean you will. Just because they didn’t, doesn’t mean you won’t.

• Laws change; the way people got divorced 20 years ago may be totally irrelevant. Ask a legal professional for the straight story, based on current law in your state.

• Some
  people really get emotionally invested in concern about their partner’s
  new love. You might take some comfort in the fact that rebound
  relationships hardly ever work.

• Be aware that once you involve the court in your life, the rules change. Husbands and wives who may have cheated on their taxes for years find that one may use it in court against the other. Parents who may have smoked marijuana together the whole time they were married may get turned in to the police now that a custody
  action is pending. Casual babysitting arrangements that were fine when
  the parties were together come under fire. Think about possible
  consequences before you act.

Friends and Family

• Your
  friends and family can be the backbone of your support at this time in
  your life. If you suddenly decide to quit your job and move to a distant
  city to get away from the whole situation (and the ex), you may be
  leaving the only support system you have in place.

• At
  the same time, those you care about can do a lot to help or harm your
  children during the legal process and after. They should never run down
  the other parent in front of the children. This is still the child’s
  mother or father, due a certain love and respect simply because of that
  relationship. If that person is a deadbeat, a liar, or an abuser, the
  child will learn that on his own as the years pass. Let him keep that
  idealism — we all lose it soon enough.

• Encourage
  children’s relationships with extended family when it’s not harmful.
  Just as you will always be your child’s parent, these people will always
  be your child’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other relatives.
  Sometimes when parents are fighting, it’s nice for the children to have
  familiar places they can escape to, with family members to remind them
  they’re loved.

• If
  friends offer to take the children for an evening to give you a break,
  say yes! There seems to be a SuperMan/ Woman expectation in our culture
  that encourages single parents to make martyrs of themselves and prove
  they can do it all. You deserve to take time for yourself — make it a
  weekly gift to you.

• Often,
  friends and family members who always disagreed with your choice of
  partner (but who never said so) will be glad to tell you once you’ve
  broken up. Give yourself permission to tell them to butt out when you’ve
  heard enough.

• At
  the same time, take advantage of the opportunity to renew closeness
  with those who may have grown distant because of conflict with your
  partner. Get past those petty resentments and rejoin the family!

• People you know will often encourage you to “get back on the horse” and start dating
  soon after a breakup. There is no “right” period of time to wait. Some
  consideration should be given to the legal consequences; ask your
  attorney if dating will affect any upcoming custody or support matters.
  If it won’t hurt your case, and you feel up to it, go ahead!

• But,
  if you don’t feel like dating, speak up and tell people you’re not
  interested. It’s your life. Only you know what progress you’re making.

• If
  you have a new companion, that person may want to be supportive of you
  to the point that he/she involves him/herself in the conflict with your
  soon-to-be ex, particularly in areas of custody and support. While it’s
  commendable for them to want to help, often just the fact of that
  person’s existence is enough to drive the other party mad. Remember that
  these are your kids. You and the other parent should be the ones
  discussing any children or money issues. Don’t complicate the situation
  by allowing third parties, however well-intentioned, to interfere in
  what should be simple negotiations based on what is best for your
  children.

After It’s Over

• Take a deep breath.
  Divorce has probably been one of the most difficult periods of your
  life, even if it’s something you chose. If you have children, you’re
  realizing that you’re still tied to their other parent after the
  divorce, at least until they’re 18, and probably on through graduations,
  weddings, and even grandchildren. (But take heart — many find after
  the pressure cooker of the breakup is done, they can become civil again,
  at least for the sake of their children.) There are final documents to
  sign, deeds to draw and record, pensions to be collected, houses to be
  closed up and sold. That life is done.

One door closes behind;
another opens ahead. How you spend the rest of your life is up to you.
Empower yourself to say “Yes!” to all that awaits, and step through that
door. You have survived. Be well. Tread your road gladly, armed with
the lessons you’ve learned. Be good to yourself.

This article has been edited and excerpted from 101 Little Instructions for Surviving your Divorce
by Barbara J. Walton. Practicing in the area of family law since 1986,
Walton is a child of divorce as well as being a single mother, so she
has personal as well as professional experience with the challenges of
separation and divorce. Each brief “instruction” offers help through the
various stages of the process — including legal, financial, and
emotional issues.