The most common disputes that wind up on my desk involve squabbles over custody and visitation rights: in other words; who has the children and when. Although the courts normally award joint legal custody, the parent without physical custody generally has a visitation schedule that is clearly defined. Mom and dad’s lives (and the children) cannot always fit within court-prescribed parameters, however. The standard court order for many joint legal custody arrangements typically calls for the non-custodial parent to have custody of the child every other weekend, one-night mid-week, alternate holiday periods, and two to six weeks out of the summer. For most people, such a regulated schedule cannot always be adhered to. After all, “life happens” which means special events and emergencies may call for the need to change visitation times.
This sounds reasonable, you’re probably thinking, but what if your ex is one to live by the book–won’t budge when you wish to make a visitation time change? Though it’s not always easy, there are ways to handle an inflexible spouse. I advise my clients of the following: do your best to adhere to the schedule because you certainly don’t want to disrupt the children’s sense of continuity. It’s hard enough for most kids to go back and forth between their parents. To keep changing times can make it even more difficult. Children need a routine; they need order. They often feel caught in the middle, too, so if one or the other parent continually insists on changing the schedule, it can adversely affect the children.
Visitation & the Inflexible Spouse | Divorce Magazine
Do your best, then, make your plans according to what the court has ordered. Plan family events, special occasions, outings and other events on your weekends and times. If you continually ask for flexibility, your ex may become even more inflexible with visitation! That’s the last thing you want! Let’s assume you’re pretty constant and stay with the standard schedule–but at times ask to change visitation and your ex won’t “give”. Then what? It’s time to get your best negotiation and diplomacy skills in order. Just because the marriage is over, raising the children isn’t, so here are some choices:
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Letters:
If your ex is inflexible, try writing kind and thoughtfully-worded letters that reflect your requests. A dialogue on the subject may spark an altercation. Respectful correspondence is a great start–assertive is fine; aggressive is not.
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Conversations:
If you do contact your spouse regarding any schedule changes by phone or discuss the request in person, be polite and courteous at all times, especially if he or she isn’t. This approach could play a major factor in getting you what you want.
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Calendar Credits:
If letters and calm conversations don’t do the job, try a bartering system. Some type of “trade-you-this-for-that” is very effective. Issue your ex a “credit” (put it in writing), for the time slot he or she is changing for you, in exchange for a time he or she may want from you in the future. Let your ex “bank” these visitation credits and cash them in. Most importantly, practice what you preach. Be flexible when asked to redeem these credits. This approach helps the parent who makes the sacrifice feel as though he or she is getting something in return–and getting it right away. With credits in the “bank”, your extends to feel a sense of power. If you’re using a barter system, be certain you honor your “credit.” Also, don’t ask to trade too often. Abusing the process will only create tension.
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Legal Intervention:
Your last resort is to contact your attorney. Only do so if it seems there is an extended period of time in which your ex won’t make any reasonable schedule changes. Using an attorney can become stressful and costly and land you in court. Best to exhaust the other options instead if you can.
Q: I’m a 37-year-old father of two and I have had the need to change my visitation schedule every couple of months because of out-of-town work commitments. My former wife, however, has been very obstinate about not cooperating. What should I do?
A: Asking for changes too frequently may prove to be a constant irritant to your ex. If you can’t barter, then you may need to go to court and ask for a modification–a different calendar arrangement that better fits your work schedule. Of course, in California, you can set an appointment in conciliation court and get a mediation appointment for free! Very often, the courts will attempt to help the parent who wants more flexibility because their job requires it.
Q: I’m a mother of two young children and my husband seems to prefer his spur-of-the-moment vacations over his visitation with the children. He’s fairly demanding that I arrange my calendar around his. What’s the best way to handle this?
A: Try to reason with him by letting him know that one day the children may feel they are not a priority in his life. Also, don’t be afraid to let him know your life doesn’t revolve around his. Be as flexible as your comfort allows but don’t subjugate your needs or those of the children.
A frequent contributor to Divorce Magazine and a former member of Divorce Magazine‘s Advisory Board, Ms. Phillips is a seasoned family law attorney whose practice has run the gamut from high profile clients to representing the interests of women and men in the political arena both on a local and federal level.
This is an old article, but I found it because for the second time in the last six months, my husband’s ex wife has planned vacations with the children that overlap on his visitation weekend and just expects him to switch weekends. My husband has EOWE with his children and I carefully plan our activities, including time away, around that schedule to be sure we are around for his children. His ex wife is constantly changing her schedule at the last minute (or waiting until the last minute to tell him) and then demanding that he change. In January, she demanded that he switch weekends, so she her husband could accompany her on a work trip. That would have been fine, but the weekend she wanted to switch fell on my birthday weekend, where my husband and I had already booked a trip away. Then she scheduled the children’s spring break trip over his weekend (they did not leave for the trip on her weekend, but waited until Monday to go) and told him the weekend before that he would need to switch. Now, she is telling him that for his next weekend visitation (in two weeks) she needs him to switch because she’s planned her camping trip for the week before and they don’t plan to be back. Again, they are not leaving until the Monday of the week before. If we switch weekends this time, we will have the kids on our anniversary weekend, when we had planned to go away. I should also mention that she does not ask nicely, but rather makes a fight out of every request. She has also tried to manipulate him into switching in the past telling him he’s a terrible father for not wanting to see his children more often and then letting it slip in that the real reason she is telling him this is that she’s planning to go away for her weekend and needs him to take the kids (this text exchange was on a Thursday evening when she wanted him to take the kids the next day). We’ve had to miss one weekend with his children (for our honeymoon) and made arrangements with my husband’s mother and brother to care for them, so there wouldn’t be a big fight over how she was doing us a favor by switching. She even told him he couldn’t take the children on one of her Sundays for his mother’s birthday party because according to her “she didn’t owe him any favors” and he “didn’t ask nicely enough”. He said to her “we’re having a party for my mother on September 25th. That’s your weekend, but it would be really nice if the boys could come.” Compare that to her manipulations and lies (she told him on one other occasion when she wanted to switch weekends that if he didn’t take the kids, he would ruin her Christmas (the trip was in early January) and her husband would have to cancel his plane ticket, when in fact, they drove to the vacation spot, as was clear when they sent pictures to the children and their car was parked in front of the lodge). It’s so frustrating and I feel as if I can’t plan anything in my life because I always have to be ready to change to accommodate her.
Please read my comment to a positive way. I mean no disrespect.
You as the current spouse have not been in the ex wife’s shoes. You heard your husband’s side of their story. There is history that you may not be aware of. Stay out of it and stop being judgemental of the ex wife. Read the parenting plan and take actions accordingly. After all, you are a step parent. The kids will choose her over you. She is their Mother. Just support your husband in whatever he chooses to do and listen when he vents. Don’t encourage negativity. Be the better person. Try establishing a relationship with the ex wife. Be kind and listen to her. You may see a different prospective as to the reasons for her behavior when you really hear the message she is projecting. Your husband’s Mother may have been a negative influence in their marriage. Therefore, the ex wife does not feel she owes them anything. Again, there is history. Don’t just get on the bandwagon of hating on the ex wife. It take two for a marriage to work. Boundaries may have been crossed and promises not kept. You may find your own answers to your questions and have a better understanding of her if you choose to communicate with her. The ex wife may be in a bad relationship with the current husband that forces her to behave the way she does. One never knows unless you try to. Think of the kids first who are caught in the middle and establish a foundation for the “family”. Respect and communication is key to most of our problems in life.
Ignore Ana…you have clearly outlined how your life is being impacted. Nothing you wrote indicated there was a competition…the bit about them choosing her over you is ridiculous and unwarrented. Talk to your spouse, he needs to address the issue and stop allowing her to do it. He’s got to step up because she will never stop. If she tries to bring the kids into, your dad wont let you. Explain things to them without disparaging her. She will eventually stop.
yes please ignore Ana she sounds just like the bitter bird whom has lead me to this very page ..some of these brods are whack jobs and use and hurt the kids while they try and prove points and inconvenience people they claim they don’t want or don’t want them . I’m a parent and a step parent, imagine me jeopardizing my kids mental health and well being bc im a petty sorry excuse for a mum..
well my job sometimes does manditory overtime so ever since me and my ex wife got divorced i had to miss a weekend here or there so now she picks and chooses what holidays i can get him and decides when if any i get him for spring/summer break because she says “if your not going to follow the visitation then neither am i” and if i try to communicate with her she just gets defensive and says to stop harrassing her or shes going to block me, anytime i have an issue and try to communicate she accuses me of harrassing her or refuses to speak about it and does whatever she wants
My ex had cancelled some of his time with the kids previously due to work. He is very intimidating and manipulative as well. He asked if I would consider switching some of my days for his somewhere inNovember or December because his work is sending him on training. He wasn’t sure when. I said I wasn’t sure what I had planned with the kids. He has not sent me the information and we are in mid November. This gives me very little notice especially at such a busy time. I unfortunately can not run ours lives based on his schedule. No judge can expect me to agree to changes.
I have been having to fight with my ex wife over visitation everytime. I live in NH and they are in TX. I recently purchased plane tickets and had to extend one day due to cost. It saved $500. I fly there get my kids, fly here, and repeat at the end of the visit. My ex does not inform me of important changes to work or living arrangements (their house caught fire 2 months ago and she refuses to give information on her plans). She’s now stating that she’ll make my visits supervised and only in Texas if I don’t change the flight. I’ve informed her that I cannot afford to do so, but she refuses to budge. I don’t know what to do. We’ve done Mediation, I pay my support, I pay 100% of medical and dental insurance, but I’m being painted as the bad guy. I need help and cannot afford any.
I have an almost 4 year old daughter and I separated from her father about a year ago. He has been asking for more parenting time and I am alright with it except that he has two conditions – he wants the exchange to happen at nights, he wants me to take of dinner, bathing and putting her in her night wear and insists he will collect her then so she goes to his house and goes straight to bed which to me does not sound right given that the child will be in a new place just before sleeping. The next thing he insists on is beginning week on week off transition right away which impacts her schooling and some very important future decisions. I don’t know how to break this deadlock. Can anyone help?
My ex has changed jobs 4 times in the last 2 years, and has changed days/hours within these times as well. Ex expects me to change visitation to suit him. We have been up til now, but it’s getting irritating – kid doesn’t feel like a priority, and my work hours never change – so I have to keep changing the days in before school/after school care – I pay for these. He expects everything to fit into the times he wants so he never pays for BSC/ASC.
My childrens mother takes the children for the summer and then claims that she can not afford to return them.
What can I do. She refuses to tell me whether she has purchased round trip tickets or one way.
Basically, she is upset that I am not paying half of the flights. I dont think I should subsidise the fact that she decided to move.
the Custody document simply states that I get the kids at the end of the summer (all school year) but it does not state who pays for travel.
My ex husband thinks because he doesn’t drive, I have to bring the kids to see him for a visitation,which is a half an hour away. Do I have to bring them or does he have to come meet them?
This can happen that some member does all the travel.
You can say “take an uber”
or you can come up with a compromise that you make more effort on the driving, and he makes more effort on something else to compensate.
If you think that’s bad though, my ex called from 3000 miles away and said “I cant afford to bring them back”
and dropped a bomb that, a week before school, that I had to get 4 flights to get them.
Many times, the non custodial parent has to do the driving. This is usually because it is assumed that the custodial parent has been doing a lot of driving during the custodial time..etc.
If it is 50-50, it is often something like “he who is getting the kids does the driving”
I will tell you that my spouse, in my opinion, simply wanted me to pay for half the costs to get the kids to them, since my ex moved 3000 miles away. It has been quite the nightmare.
Short answer.. is that in cities, many people do not even know how to drive a car. They take a cab. So, not driving isnt an excuse.
You can always say “well, why did you move 30 minutes away from your kids, if you cant drive or dont want to pay an uber.” I will admit the problem with an uber is, the kids probably cant ride alone, so he would have to get to your place to get them.
I would go for bargain/compromise. You probably wouldnt mind getting paid to drive the kids over. He would have to pay an uber 50$. So say you want a Kroger gift card of $50 to do the driving for him. Tell him it will feed his kids. instead of a cab etc. and he doesnt have to get a car. Save save save.
You cant tell him he cant see his kids if he doesnt give you the money, but you can probably say you wont drive the kids over unless he pays you the gas money.
What should you do when one parent refusing to take a child
nothing, you cannot make him be a parent.
Asking for some advice as we aren’t sure where we stand.
My partners ex wife expects my partner to have there 2 daughters for a week with no notice. This is becoming a regular occurance now. My partner has his daughters every other weekend Friday until Sunday. He works in retail, and works shifts. Therefore is unable to have the girls all week. His ex wife works school hours, so is able to take them to school and pick them up. My partner can’t do this as his shifts vary. And can work anything from 5am to 9pm. His daughters also live and go to school 30 minutes drive away. My partner picks the girls up on a Friday then his ex tells him to keep them until the following Friday, which he is unable to do. How can we sort this? As its unfair on the girls to be used as weapons, and my partner loses wages taking time off to have them. Then his ex wife is constantly asking for extra maintenance off him, as she keeps getting into debt. He can’t pay her when he keeps losing wages to have the kids, which she claims benefits for but is only having them half of the month!!! Any help would be greatly appreciated
My child needs extra homework help outside the home and due to limited space one hour cuts into my ex’s parenting time or she looses the spot on the academic based after school program. My ex flew off the handle saying I’m taking away from his time.
At this point our child’s education needs to come before “parent time”.
I got a mess of a ex to deal with. It was a fight to get him to allow me to get an ADHD eval and sure enough she has it.
If only my problems were this simple. My ex has full custody. i stupidly signed her divorce papers believing what turned out to be lies about her being flexible about me seeing the children. When I try to communicate with the often no answer. For nearly a month the phones voicemail has been full. I know she is in town and working. Every visit with my children has been cut short by he schedule suddenly not allowing more than an hour. She refuses to discuss anything and actually pretends I do not exist. She has actually walked past me in a room and acted as if I was invisible. She has done this type of behavior to every person she has an issue with. They literally treated as invisible. She even said something to me once when an out person was around, “Do you hear a funny noise? Well, I want to go say hi to so and so. Let’s go.” She won’y even authorize me seeing the kids grades via the schools on line. I had to learn from my son at our brief lunch that our daughter is flunking out in her first year school. When i took him to her car my ex would not respond at all when I asked about and told her please let me know if I can help. To me this behavior is obviously hurtful. I thought her doing it to others was somewhat twisted. I do not know what to do and cannot afford a lawyer. I have tried to do legal self help and was bluntly told by a sitting judge that without a lawyer I was going to fail. I simply did not have the ability to represent myself effectively without hiring an expensive DOJ. That is another issue, but civil courts are in my opinion truly rigged in favor of who has the deepest pockets and that is sickening as well.
Please help. My husbands ex always makes it hard when he wants to get the kids. Ex. He messaged her to tell her we’re thinking about coming September 24 to 26. She said I don’t know schools just started and don’t know their homework schedule. It’s Friday through Sunday. We live very far from one another. My husbands in the military and has to schedule in advance because of work. We would love to see the kids more but it’s like pulling teeth. They have a parenting plan and she goes against it every time. Maybe sense she’s the primary she has this right. I’m not sure though. The boys are 13 and 11.
My husband and I are recently separated, and I am going back to full time work in a couple of weeks.
He is on unemployment for now, we both have money from the sale of our house.
I don’t have before and after school care, so am looking to hire someone. I asked my ex if he could either take our son to school in the morning ( I would drop him off at his Dads in the morning on my way to work) and then I would pick my son up from school, or I could take my son to school in the morning, and my ex could pick him up from school for a couple hours till I’m off work. This would only be for a couple of months, and only every other week.
My ex wants me to pay him at least $20 an hour to do this?? Anyone else think this is shitty of him to ask? Or am I just expecting too much? He is planning to go back to work in January, and wants me to work with him to arrange a pick up and drop off schedule that works for both of us, but wants me to pay him while he is on unemployment…
Hi…. I am a stepfather to 2 girls, one 15 and the other 12.
Since getting together with my spouse, the ex has of course badmouthed me, but worse he tells his children she is a bad mother and it is her fault the family broke up. I am not going to go into the countless other problems he is causing.
My concern is, when the kids were home learning due to covid, the older daughter spent her morning in school then all of his afternoons with us (we were working from home too) when he had custody of her. This went on for 6 months. Currently, on his weeks he drops his daughter off at our house an hour before school and she comes here for an hour + after school till he picks her up. He lives out of town, we are a 10 minute walk to the school.
I am writing this today, as he has picked up the younger daughter, and informed us he won’t come pick up the older daughter for another few hours. I know he is doing all this to suit his own work and shopping schedules.
It may seem trivial to you, but given her personality the stress level goes up a few notches every time she is in the household. I personally don’t need the additional stress, and think he should not be using us as a babysitting service, but also trying to respect his children.
Is it reasonable for me to ask her not to be here every day? We have 4 days a month that she isn’t here.
Thanks.
My step son turned 17 in April and his mom just got him a part-time job where she works. Now we are being told he’s going to be working so we will no longer get any visitation with him. We live 3 hours away so just dropping in for a day visit isn’t feasible and she has denied that in the past anyway because “it doesn’t say I have to in the court order”. With him being so close to 18 is it even worth fighting over?