When a spouse has cancer, it can be very difficult to navigate through the emotional and physical turmoil that the illness brings on. Cancer is even more difficult to deal with when the couple is considering divorce. On average, the process of divorce takes about 11 months from start to finish.
During that time, emotions are sensitive, your daily routine is changed, and the person who you have invested in the most fades away. While divorce is an already upsetting process, going through one while dealing with the disease is no easy feat for either party involved.
One simple question remains: Should someone stay in a marriage when a spouse has cancer? While the yes or no answer can truly only be decided by the two of you, there are many things to consider when deciding whether to prolong the relationship or to call it quits.
When a spouse has cancer, consider their life expectancy before initiating divorce.
One of the initial steps to take when a spouse has cancer is to evaluate the seriousness of the disease at hand. Some cancers like breast cancer commonly have a high life expectancy. Early diagnosis and tailored treatment options have shown the average 5-year survival rate to be 90%, which will let both of you live a happy life post-divorce.
However, some cancers move far more quickly and require more extensive caregiving. Mesothelioma cancer is an example of this. This disease presents itself years after exposure to asbestos, and the prognosis of mesothelioma is much poorer than that of more common cancers. This cancer develops primarily in people over 50, a time when many marriages are in later stages. Doctors are hard at work searching for more accurate treatment plans, and while finding the right mesothelioma specialist will aid in the journey with cancer, some of the most important support stems from family members and keeping a solid foundation at home with care and love. A cancer diagnosis later in life presents several hurdles.
Some spouses rely on their partner’s health insurance. A divorce or separation could have serious financial repercussions if the person who falls sick needs long-term medical treatment and they lose their insurance along with their marriage. This is something you should discuss seriously given the stress of relationship turmoil paired with a terminal diagnosis.
Communication is Key
According to, Andrew W. Kneier, Ph.D., “Although your spouse has cancer, the illness is really happening to both of you. Your life is being disrupted in many of the same ways.”
It’s natural to want to play the blame game for your failed marriage but it’s even easier to feel guilty about your partner becoming sick. If your relationship was disrupted before the cancer diagnosis, chances are that it’s not going to improve when factoring in sickness. Seeing a therapist or a marriage counselor could improve your relationship or save your marriage. If the romance is gone, talking to someone can help remind you of the importance of why you needed each other in the past.
Seeing a therapist on an individual level can help with any feelings of hopelessness or depression associated with sickness, help you gain better-coping skills with your marriage ending, and lead you to a brighter future.
Seeing a therapist as a couple can teach you to rationalize the illness and come to terms with the fact that in some cases it is no one’s fault and people naturally grow apart. Speaking with a professional can help you gain perspective on how to speak with your family about the ups and downs that could occur as they move forward.
What Is Best for the Entire Family?
This will be an important time for everyone in your family. No matter the age of your children, don’t let your children associate cancer with divorce. It’s imperative to explain that these issues existed before you fell ill. Whether or not the sickness was announced first should factor in the importance of keeping open lines of communication and transparency. Finding good balance when co-parenting is vital.
No matter your children’s age, kids will be affected in some way. Do what’s best for the entire family in terms of maintaining a healthy routine with day-to-day activities. Everyone in the house will need to take on new responsibilities regarding doctor’s appointments, offering extra care and helping to limit stress. The healthy spouse shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to separate during the sickness, and sometimes even the patient battling the disease may want to take time apart as well. Surviving cancer has also been seen as a tool for patients to find the courage to leave an unhappy marriage, says Dr. Lidia Schapira, MD. It’s important to understand both sides of the relationship. Fifty percent of couples break up during a cancer diagnosis. This shocking number has been proven due to the lack of ability to cope with the ever-evolving physical and emotional changes associated with a serious disease.
When to Separate?
Every diagnosis and sickness is different. No relationship will experience the same exact situations when a spouse has cancer. When it comes down to the serious decisions, the only two people that should have a say is the couple. If you feel the right time to move out is before the treatment starts, that needs to happen. Remaining peaceful and open to communication will be the best way to provide you with answers and options specific to your relationship.
As mentioned earlier, the severity of the sickness will help you decide the timing of your separation. A cancer patient may experience large amounts of stress due to their treatment plan and will need additional love and support to rely on. If you can’t mend your romantic relationship remember the importance of supporting one another and your joint family.
Emily Walsh is a content writer for Mesothelioma.com, specializing in the awareness and advocacy of rare diseases. Walsh & her team are tirelessly working to spread the word about the dangers of asbestos and other cancer-causing carcinogens.
Why can’t I cope with my husband’s cancer diagnosis? I fert awful about it… but I can’t emagen having to care for him day in and out.. I have no life anymore… I’m only here doing for him… and its gonna get worse… I feel like I’m the one who’s drowning… what can I do… I
I know the feeling. I have been the only one working supplying insurance. My husband is doing well physically yet he’s dead already. I want to scream. 18 months of nothing. I need live.
It’s not you. It’s the situation. There’s no fault. There’s no shame. Your feelings matter. Follow your heart. Not what others think or what you think you should feel…. your heart is everything. If your not in it for him but for…………………………….step away. Your feelings matter and no matter what will be with you forever. Your feelings will last forever…. and if it’s resentment….. that’s a lot of years of that……
It is not about either spouse – is about beating the cancer – no matter who has it. Especially if you have kids – if you think it is about either spouse that is the problem – just my thought. I am the spouse (wife) who has cancer – I would get up in pain and sickness to drive my kids to school/pick-them up. The few days I told my spouse I couldn’t he freaked out – when I explained to him what I was feeling he was like “0h” …maybe you have to step a day in the other shoes… of either person.. Just a thought. He mocked me for sleeping in front of my kids (before we knew it was cancer) – not anyone’s fault – cancer is the bad guy not either spouse… What if you tomorrow got the same diagnosis and they had to turn around and care for you? You would find a game plan and beat the cancer! I am 41 – cancer is not taking my marriage or my life – it is testing me for sure beyond measure but I will drop my kids off at school as much as I can and be there is my present life. And call in the troops… And if that is not enough – at least I tried.
The problem I have is that my husband (with the diagnosis) won’t do ANYTHING anymore. He’s off chemo, he’s back working from home and his health has rebounded, but he sits on the couch from sun up until sun down. He won’t do his physical therapy, so he’s weak all the time. He has completely checked out emotionally and physically. He lies constantly and manipulates everything and everyone around him. Nobody sees this side of him except for me, and that’s by design. The world sees him as this strong cancer warrior…but they have no idea. He’s not fighting anything…he doesn’t even take his medication regularly unless I follow up with him.
He won’t make lists, he won’t use reminders, he’s forsaken any tool or aid that could assist him and relies solely on me for everything. Now we’re facing a hip replacement due to complications during treatment, and I know he won’t do that physical therapy either…then he will legitimately be an invalid. He sees a therapist, but I fear he discusses nothing of content. I’ve asked him repeatedly, at my therapists recommendation, to invite me to a session with his therapist so that I can talk about the issues that I fear his isn’t discussing. He refuses to take accountability for his actions and every day he adds more to the pile of resentment and hurt. I couldn’t imagine leaving him, but I am absolutely miserable. I see my own therapist and try to work on me, but it looks like everything is centered around finding ways to avoid him and make myself happy. It’s not working. He’s systematically dismantling our marriage and our life. What do you do when the partner is unwilling to even try to get better? I feel like he’s just waiting to die, and in the mean-time he’s killing me too.
I feel exactly the same way finally someone who’s just like me. I thought I was the only one, my husband has cancer and gets mad at me for stupid stuff and the runs away to the room and yells at loud to himself. He won’t talk to me and then I’m just suppose to sit there and wait for him to talk to me again it Las a couple of days but I have to take it being ignored cause he has cancer and is the one dying
My spouse had kidney cancer. He said because of the PTSD he has from the incident of hematuria leading up to the diagnosis and the fear overall of the return he won’t go for follow-ups. He fears the affect of radiation of the followup interventions on his cells as well. Meanwhile he lets his weight get out of hand, eats poorly and then the next week is not eating and juicing. His moods are so up and down and he basically lives in a non-conversant state. I am older and have my own health issues which he has always been helpful with however he refuses to do any preventative maintenance with dr etc. Our adult children are mystified and frightened that every day he is moving himself closer to another diagnosis or metastasis. I am so tired of it I just figure it will evolve to whatever it does and I tried everything to help him. Its very said but his thinking is very odd and frankly he sees things as black or white and so this form of behaviour has affected now his health and future. I am letting going of the stress of it and just preparing as per normal my life to be alone if that’s the cards I am dealt. I continue to try and live my life and not think of what might be happening to him due to his own decisions. Its all just very sad when his surgery was so successful. THat’s life. When it hands you lemons you make lemonade.
My husband had cancer 3 years ago now. He beat it, but every time a new pain shows up, he thinks it is cancer again. He spends more time with his therapy dog than with me, he hides in his office during the day if doesn’t have to go in for work. He speaks with other people more than with me. I feel like a roommate. He is saying it will change if I bring it up, but that is just an empty promise. I think he just doesn’t want to be alone; he knows what he is doing to me. We didn’t do anything together for a long time now – well this Covid craziness is not helping either -, but I would be happy with just going for a walk. I realize that he is pulling me down in his dark hole. I need to make a decision how long I want to live like this.
Our marriage was already rocky, hubby was hiding a drug addiction (meth!!) from me for at least 3 years. I wanted to leave him, though I helped him get clean and before we could work on fixing our marriage — one year clean and he’s diagnosed with cancer. He’s on maintenance meds, no chance for remission, 5 yrs since diagnosis. He is been emotionally neglectful towards me and our teen daughter, he only cares about himself and only helps out when asked. I suffer from depression and PTSD from all that has happened since I caught him using. I have recently been diagnosed with Graves’ disease, did he show up to that appointment to support me? NO!! I have been to all his surgeries, radiation and continue to be present to his monthly appointments. He refuses to go through any marriage counselling and every conversation with him feels like I am wasting his time. He has never missed a day of work to bring our daughter to an appointment or care for her when she is sick, didn’t even want to attend a Zoom call w/ me & her teacher about her struggle math. I am going through therapy to find the love I should have for myself to leave him and to accept the fact that I don’t deserve this. He lives like he has no wife or child, splitting up shouldn’t be a problem for him, business as usual.
I live with chronic pain and I live of high dependency medicine this has been going on for year my husband has cancer now at the time he was diagnosed he lied to me and deceived me and made it all like it was in my head he receives carers alliance for me but he does absolutely nothing for me or for our home I am so scared and I don’t want to live like this anymore l cannot trust him and he stays it’s all my fault if he hadn’t got the cancer I don’t think we would be together