For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parent, the loss of the life they know, their family home, etc. You can first help your children adjust to this massive change by supporting their feelings, whatever those may be. It’s almost impossible to predict children behaviors and reactions to divorce. Sometimes, as in the case of my own son, it didn’t come for months.
Children have a remarkable ability to recover when given the support they need. It is important to note that lifelong belief systems and feelings of worth are often formed in our pre-adolescent years. What you continue to reinforce or give attention to will foster beliefs and memories, good or bad. Your words, actions, and reassurances to your children of your unwavering love and support are vital.
Create a safe environment for your child to share their feelings, and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss, frustration, and even anger about things you may not have expected. Help them find words for their feelings. You can help them by encouraging them to talk openly with you or your spouse. Let them be radically honest.
Acknowledge their feelings without judgment. You may not be able to take away their sadness, but it is important for you to maintain their trust. Children might be hesitant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you, but let them know that whatever they say or are feeling is okay. If they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a difficult time working through them. It might take the help of a counselor to get them to open up, so don’t discount this as a method to help them heal.
If they blame themselves or siblings, nip this in the bud as soon as possible. Many children believe that they had something to do with the divorce. Clear up any misunderstandings swiftly to help your kids let go of responsibility. Be patient, because one day they may feel that they understand and be completely confused the next. Reassure them as often as you need to that both parents will continue to love them and that they are in no way responsible for the divorce.
15 Behaviors to Look out for in Your Children During and After Divorce
- Sudden changes in physical appearance. Weight loss or gain is often a common side effect of stress.
- Rebelling against normal routines, rules, chores, etc.
- Secretive actions: closing the bedroom door when they didn’t before, for example.
- Dramatic mood swings that are out of the norm. This could be extreme happiness or sadness.
- Reverting to an earlier age or babyish behavior.
- Acting out against parents, teachers, etc. This is a cry for attention.
- Spending excessive time around “new friends” that you’ve probably yet to meet.
- Refusing to visit with their other parent.
- Behaving one way for you and acting differently for your spouse.
- Holding out hope that you and your spouse are getting back together.
- Excessive crying, emotional reactions, or outbursts.
- Suddenly “sick” a lot. Headaches, belly aches, trying to stay home from school, etc.
- Sleeping problems (i.e., insomnia, nightmares, wanting to sleep with you).
- Refusal to eat or inconsistent eating habits.
- The sudden appearance of an imaginary friend.
All too often, divorcing spouses are caught up in their own hurt or feelings and forget that children behaviors stem from a completely different perspective. To them, you are simply mom and dad. You are not the unhappy wife or the workaholic husband.
Do not lie to them or diminish the truth of the situation. Tell your kids that things won’t always be perfect or as they were before, but that they will be okay. Showing a united front as parents can ease the distress and provide a lot of comfort to your children. Above all, reinforce that you are still a family no matter what.
They should feel loss. Most divorces in America are caused by one party wishing to be in adultery with a new partner. Unless you divorce because your present spouse is committing unrepentant adultery with a third party, you have no right to remarry. Instead, any attempt at remarriage will simply be more adultery. So yes, you have chosen to hurt your kids by divorcing and removing their father from his role in their lives. Separate for a time, but either reconcile or remain celibate. Perhaps you will find it in yourself to restore your marriage. If not, at least you are not forcing the kids to accept the lie of a step father or mother invading their home and modeling remarriage adultery for them.
Thank you for voicing an OPINION
I agree I’m in the proses of devorce my husband even admitted to me he wants to be free and have fun and he already went on dating pages and friending prostituts on Facebook
How about you spend 5 years with my ex and express that same opinion to me then!? Let me know if you’re still as proud and strong after those five years. I’ll guarantee he’ll eliminate any opinion you’ve ever had and make you believe you are the reason for all his problems. Geez.
Its funny to me that you have such a harsh opinion but aren’t man or woman enough to leave your name.
As a man, and therefore NOT a female, you have no right to express that opinion about someone and some situation you have NO IDEA about….many women do all of the household chores, budget and finance; in addition to working full time and raising/doing the majority of child care, and it is exhausting!! A partner that does NOT help in any area of parenting is not worth staying with; as most of us have discovered. Husbands can be worse than another child, and most often act as if we are the same as their mothers; and we DO NOT want to raise an adult child! Your opinion is but one, small scenario….MOST do NOT play out that way, and you are dreaming if you think being celibate or staying together in misery are solutions, life is too short to be miserable!!
Don’t be stereotypical or bias. My wife left me( having an affair) but I still have not had a reasonable explanation to her behavior. I watched the kids, I did the chores, I never drank, did drugs, gambled, had affairs, watched porn, disrespectful to her. I work part-time jobs to earn extra money for home. I didn’t even purchase extra items for myself. I put all money to her. In fact she did the finances. Now she is on her third guy, mad at me because kids stayed with me( custody) sometimes in our modern day society it is the women’s fault and maybe if they would work on their own marriage it would be beautiful. People need to quite keeping up with the neighbors and realize family comes FIRST! It’s been three yrs and during all this time I have remained celebrate. Someone has to be the adult!
To those who believe staying in a loveless relationship is best. This has been proven incorrect time and time again. Itis not only rolemodling unhealthy self esteem and self worth but it also causes children to grow up believing that is normal to be with someone just because of the kids. It isnt healthy it isnt normal and i would orefer my children see me stand up for myself and be happy. Your ins@ne to think otherwise.
what is the children’s behavior to their friends after experiencing a parental divorce?