First of all, if you are divorcing a Narcissist, a Psychopath, or a Narcissistic Psychopath, keep your expectations low!
Most people hear the word “psychopath” or “sociopath” and immediately think of a serial killer, callous criminal, violent rapist, or someone who’s completely deranged. (Learn the difference between a sociopath and psychopath here.)
Much like autism, psychopathy is a spectrum disorder: it can be mild, severe, or anywhere in between. In the severe range, psychopaths are completely unable to feel empathy, sadness, guilt, or love. Another fact that most people don’t know is that it is impossible to pick a high-functioning psychopath out of a group: they could be your neighbor, co-worker, or even your family doctor. They are often charming and intelligent. Most are male. Most are not violent. Most are also Narcissists.
According to the Mayo Clinic, Narcissism (or narcissistic personality disorder) is “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of
Even though you won’t recognize most of the psychopaths or narcissists you’ll meet over your lifetime, if you married a Narcissistic Psychopath (NP), you’ll know it. Divorce is hard; your divorce will be 100 times harder.
Here are five important facts to learn if you’re divorcing an NP.
1. You will never be able to entirely divorce them. Even after divorcing an NP, they will always be there waiting to hurt you every chance they get – especially if you have children together.
2. Do not expect them to be civil during or after divorce. It will never
3. Healthy, responsible co-parenting will never happen. The NP views you and the children as a package and will never cease to use the children to hurt you as much as possible, both emotionally and financially. This, of course, does its own damage to the children. Unfortunately, there is little you can do about it because they can be good enough parents (when it fits their agenda) not to lose custody or visitation rights, and the NP will work the law to their advantage. The best you can do to protect your children against the damage of an NP parent is by consistently showing them unconditional love. Teach them by example how to calmly respond to someone like this. Also, don’t speak badly of their other parent, no matter what, as it will come back to haunt you.
4. You cannot beat them at their own game. Don’t even try. No matter how clever you may be, you’ll never be able to turn the tables on your NP ex-spouse. Why? Because you’re normal and have that thing called empathy hardwired into your core being, which prevents you from ever being this cold and calculating. The NP will always be one step ahead of you and be ecstatic to create problems where none existed, or take current problems to an all new level just to torment you. Trying to win at this game will only leave you overwhelmed with stress and depression. Losing your health is not worth it. Your children need you. The NP does not feel remorse for their “bad” behavior and does not care about your health and well-being – quite the opposite.
5. Working with a therapist will help to improve your emotional health, enabling you to better cope with your interactions with the NP. Whether it’s to help with your or your children’s emotional health – before, during, and particularly after a divorce – it’s important to find a therapist who specializes in personality disorders. If money is tight (and after divorcing an NP, it likely is), ensure that you can arrange visits with your therapist on an “as needed” basis, and be sure to bring a notebook for note-taking. Prepare any questions you need to have answered in advance, and if possible, email your questions to the therapist before your visit so that he/she can be prepared.
Although extremely difficult, you must accept that you will never be able to have a perfect outcome to any event whenever your NP ex must be involved. Worse, few people – if anyone – will even believe your claims or understand the degree of the situation. (Remember, this NP tricked you into thinking they were the perfect mate once; they can certainly fool casual acquaintances into thinking you’re “overreacting” to the situation.) Your only defense is to look after yourself and set the healthiest example you possibly can for your children while loving them unconditionally. You and your children can have a future with hope and happiness; you will just have to prepare more carefully and work at it harder than
Wishful thinking but thank you. Xo
Great article. In my case the NP is my ex-wife. Three years and six hearings later it is still going strong. I have been accused of every terrible thing under the sun. Our child is in therapy. The family court system is not setup to deal with these types of crazy. Being a male makes it even worse. No hope insight for me…
It’s, sad, there is very little information on narcissistic women..
Been through the same. I put my feeling onto various songs as coping mechanism . Not been married long … it getting worse. It is true there is nothing you can do other than look after yourself . She is so unaware, of her tone and horrible disrespectful behaviour it feels so unfair. I now know it is not me and spend my days making sure I stay neutral and try and anticipate her reactions while all the joy of life is sucked out of me , but it is so hard with the manipulation and gaslighting .. I know I need to divorce her. It is such a shame that people who need therapy the most are the last to think they do.
Wow, this is so true! I am currently going through a divorce with an undiagnosed NP. He fits the bill to a T! Every direction I go…there he is twisting everything around to hurt me, humiliate me and make me out to be the lunatic! I’m in therapy 2x/wk and he’s living with his new gf with our 3 children and I’m fighting tooth and nail to get them back!
Same exact thing here
I have loved a narcissistic psychopath for 15 years. I am so broken and afraid. I am a non existence now. Life is so awful, we have 2 children, & I am so convinced and convicted he will destroy them in the process of destroying everything I thought we were building. Arkansas. I am afraid death is the only way out if this.
Do you have any way out… anyplace safe to go to?
Your stronger then this! You can’t imagine what i’ve been through. I refuse to let him win. I pray, and my faith has gotten me through a lot. Going to a Christian Church, has changed my life. I have good people watching over me, protecting me, and guiding me. Turn to God. When I started praying and going to Church. Everything, he tried to throw at me. God used it like a Patriot missile. I couldn’t believe it. It all started to work in my favor. Now he’s all alone. Lost his job. Can’t get back to China to visit his other family, that he denies, even though I have the proof in my hands!!
God will, come him. Please turn to God. You sound like me 2 years ago.
Please tell me that you didn’t follow through on this!
Very informative and helpful.
I had a terrible life 30 years with extremely difficult, sociopaths husbands. I lived as his slave. My case is very rare.
That’s how I feel too, I feel like his slave, I’m afraid to kill myself cuz don’t see any way out, can even get another guy cuz they immediately think my husband owns me and they walk away, so I can’t get love love? But he is be having sex with all my friends and continue going to new friends of mine, all that to hurt me, but why?
I’m trying to divorce a NP for past 3 years. It is so true when they say that they don’t co-parent. They counter parent, and the child becomes collateral damage, to this vicious mean sociopath. He sent 3 men here to hurt me. I have cameras all over my house. I live in fear, and would you know that I’m the (CRAZY) one. It boggles the mind, that no matter what I have on this man. Nothing matters. I even find myself fighting my own lawyers. It’s a nightmare, I wouldn’t wish on anyone. So far, I have stayed one step ahead of him, but I read everything their is to read on a sociopath. This man brought his girlfriend home to me and my daughter, and I cooked dinner. She was his friend. He was training her at work, he was so convincing, that I said ok. Invite her and her son to dinner. Thinking he would never do that. Especially, with his daughter present, NOTHING MATTERS TO THEM, EXCEPT THEM! We are fighting over the equity in the home. I’m not backing down! I hate him so much! When my daughters turns 18. I will never, ever, be in the same room as this man!
Not my daughters wedding, babies, parties. NOTHING!!! I have made that very clear!
My ex who is a narcissistic sociopath is a minister, completely respected by our community. He tells people horrible things about me and he gets a pass because everyone thinks ministers are good people. I’ve been shunned for escaping an abusive relationship. Ministers are one of the top careers for narcissists.
Been there as well. The smear campaign is a powerful weapon in their arsenal. However, it they believed him they were never invested in me to start with.
I think my husband is socio or psychopath. When we first met online. He told me that he was divorced with the last ex wife and he told me that he has 3 kids with her. Then, we talked like everyday on the phone and he would spend $20 every call three times per day overseas. We decided to met and then when we were at the hotel in the megapolis he said he was divorced three times and have 8 kids total. I cried and cried infront of him because it was not my dream to met to a divorce man not only once but triple times. I feel pity on him for all those sad stories that all his exes are the ones sho causes the marriage fail. He said all American women are UNFAITHFUL and party animals. He even told me that he was homeless and just leaving in his truck. I still took him and we get married in my country and got pregnant with our child. We have a very hard time living his disability money while we’re living in my country. He applied our immigration papers but took a long time to get here in the States. Now, I know who and what he is and I’m not happy with him but I love our son very much. There are times when we argued that I want a divorce and he said okay to it but I really can’t afford us a place to live. I don’t know hpw to drive until now because he don’t time to teach me how to drive as he drives truck for a living and always gone. His brother told me that he slept with a dancer in the club before ai met him and have multiple girlfriends at one time. He always curse even in the traffic and in anything he say. This is very long story and I’m tired writing now. To be continued…
How are you doing so far? Hope you are done and able to move on. And so is your child. I have a friend who is the same boat as you. Wife has been telling lies about him to her family and people she know she can manipulate, scheme, lie. She has hurt their two kids emotionally and physically. Although both had retained divorce lawyers, my friend and their youngest child refuses to be in the same house with her. The husband is afraid that she do harm to herself and would accuse him of abuse. So, he decided to get out of the house until the divorce has been served. Same for their 8th grader. I really hope you can close this chapter of your life. And hoping to get an insight how you’ve been handling the divorce. Thanks.
It’s easy to see how before “psychology” was invented these people were thought of as demons. What has shocked me is that as a loving, empathetic and nonviolent person… I have for the first time in my life, on more than one occasion, wished that my ex wife (still sadly in my life remotely due to shared property, but not for long) would D-I-E. It is a horrible feeling and one that I need to deal with, to heal. What she has done to be is nothing sort of evil and monstrous, but because I need her to cooperate to sell our property and finally get away and go incognito, I have to “play the game” so that she feels that I am a resource to be used. She made it impossible for over a year for me to sell our property. So, I gather it is because I am stuck playing this game that I sometimes hate to admit that I wish she would be wiped out from the face of the earth… and this is coming from a profoundly loving and spiritual person.
So, we have to be careful not to let that poison in. Sometimes we cannot just leave. If I just left, the property (and hence all my money trapped in it) would result in my being in a homeless shelter and the property getting destroyed. So, I have to do this.
If anyone is in my situation the best advice I have is to: 1) not let your empathy get the better of you; 2) control the amount of connection fully to a bare minimum, just only enough to make them think they can profit from you in the future; 3) ensure that when you leave, you do so incognito and never look back. I am almost there. Thank God. I made it out with my life and sanity.
Thank you Peaceful Warrior. Your story is exactly what is happening in my life. He drains me emotionally and prayer is what keeps standing. He also didn’t want to sell shares property and stopped paying it. He doesn’t care whether his kids are sick or me depressed. I also stopped feeling sorry for him as I would understand why he is the way he is.
I heard you.This suck,man.I’m the victim here.I left him for 5 years now.Been with him for 7 years.Is a breakthrough for me.I am happy now.But,he never stop bothering me.But,faith led me to Christ.I forgive him in my prayers everyday and every time whenever the thoughts,hurt or pain sip in my head.I knew that he can never stop.I admit and I accept it the fact I felt in love with him and bore him children.2 beautiful girls.He took them away from me.We have been living and we all know how it feels like.But,I don’t want to let his technique wins over me.By making me weak,hopeless,self-distruct,regret,try to tear me down.He is human too.He is no greater than God.Why I must let this man destroy me?He took my girls away because he pity his mother for not having a grandchildren.I’m the evil one who took my own children from his mother(my mother in law) so we can stay away from their father and start a new life.I don’t have to worry now.I don’t even know where are they now.Now,I just have to build myself up before I can face anyone with this sort of behaviour.Bring back the life I’ve once lost.Help others.At the end,when I’m ready and I will.He will know.Who is he?I will still love people and still engage in healthy relationship with others.Because it is my problem with him not others.We all have to understand here.We start it we have to deal with it because we want it.Why we must dwell in pain and feel hurt and treat bad to others because of the choices we made?Stand up.People might think we crazy.We know the story ourselves.We cannot convince people blindly.Don’t dwell in it.Deal with it.We’re not losers.Sometimes if things were not meant for us.Leave it.There still more out there.Choose.
I am at my war now after 10 years living with the monster who was a General Manager one of the top three of multinational companies in the world. He is a millionaire but he did not provide a single dollar for spending and even abused our mental. He is trying to put me into hell with his constant traps to make me breaching his country’s legislation as i have just migrated to for a few months. He has made his other two ex wives in trouble with police and court in the past. It’s so hard to convince his friends and family about him as he is so charming and intelligent at work. He bad mouthed about me with his colleagues, family and friends as he did to his two ex wives. Only those who are in the same situation will understand how complicated it is. Me and 2 kids now living in the Women shelter with no money but he doesn’t leave us alone. I have to read through a lot of online advices from specialists of how to deal with psychopath to foresee his cunning plans but sometimes I get lost as he is unpredictable. Court days are lining up but I am scared as the lawyers and courts are not intensively trained of those rare psychopath behaviors and they easily manipulated by him. He is now hunting us everywhere and everyday. I don’t know what are waiting for us ahead. My only hope is to pray to god for the safety of me and our kids.
It is legitimately a spectrum, and more complex than people make it out to be. My husband and I do a much better job of co-parenting than most couples I know, even those who are supposedly happily married. Some psychopaths do love, in my opinion, although their ability to express it is definitely hindered by the disability of impaired empathy. It’s probably a horrible stereotype that I have such strong empathy and his is so non-existent, but I genuinely feel bad for him that he can’t feel what I do or relate to others properly because of it. It feels to me like he has a legitimate disability being unable to properly read others and appropriately respond to them. But I’m not a bitter person. My husband has literally tried to kill me. He’s put me and my family through absolute hell, and despite it all I hold no ill will towards him because I genuinely love the man. When I look at him I see someone lost and confused by their own behaviour, frustrated by their inability to relate to others and confounded by emotional expression. He doesn’t know how to feel, how to express feelings, or how to read them. He can’t process when he makes mistakes, and actually seems to feel pleasure harming others, but he doesn’t seem to have any comprehension of why. That’s really a shitty condition to live with, whether you’re the one afflicted, or on the receiving end of the consequences of that affliction. All around it sucks, but I’m sure how you choose to respond to their behaviour will impact the results. I responded by stepping away. I approach with love and compassion, and when he’s acting out I give him some distance. Sadly it’s required police assistance to lay out significant boundaries, but so far it’s working to keep some sort of peace. Our kids are happy choosing how much they see of him, and under my roof they feel safe and secure. In all I’d say I’ve really lived by much of the advice in this article and it’s worked, but I have to beg to differ about co-parenting. It can be done, just with a great deal of caution and compassion.
Not only did I marry an NP I married 2
My first Wife Grandiose my Second Wife Vulnerable or Covert. Both complete Psychopaths
After both marriage ended then I find out They have BOTH been plotting against me and both were most likely involved in my Mothers death.
They are both planning my destruction and have been for years they have me gang stalked and gas lighted constantly. They have powerful connections to law enforcement and the justice system as well as State government. They may very well succeed in killing me eventually. For now they enjoy torturing me any way possible.
As soon as they become bored they will probably have me killed or they might do it themselves.
It’s a feeling of inevitability that I cannot articulate. It’s like a terminal illness.
This is no joke.
I wouldn’t wish this existence on anyone.
Nowhere to run to nowhere to hide.
Inevitability……
This sounds very familiar to my story. Although I have only been married once. My ex has remarried a NP and they both are doing, have done and will continue unless forced to stop and be exposed but are doing exactly what you have explained. It is a terminal illness I would agree. They have attacked my profession, my children, my relationships friendships, family and they have tried with my faith, but that they can not break. It’s been five years now, 2 years they have taken my two boys away from me and I have no one in my corner in the system bc of their connections to back me. I am lost
Excellent article. Wish I read in 2010. Thank you for publishing
I married an NP, and didn’t know it. I am not allowed to divorce him.
He was a law enforcement officer for only 5 years (when you total up the months together), 35+ years ago. He is a habitual liar, and seems to blame me for his failures in life, even though I had not known him for long. I was surprised to find I was his 6th or 7th wife. I realized he asked me to marry him so I would start his business-in security. I work 110+/- hours weekly without pay…he won’t allow it. He works maybe 4 hours daily. He loves praises, and says everyone thinks he’s wonderful. Since I won’t bow down, he treats me horribly. From this hell, I found out what self love and self empowerment is about…which lead to my happiness. I tried to even help him. Yes, I made it a spiritual thing. I was told he is very jealous of me, because I am happy, and he is not. His loss, my gain (note: it’s not all a bed of roses, but I will make it work, at least for me)
I would advise people here to go to FAMILY CONSTELLATION THERAPY, as the roles assumed in the childhood can led to become perfect victim for antisocial or narcissistic personality types.
The problem is that we think often in terms of GUILT and it masks the SELF RESPONSIBLITY everyone has to look behind the masks most people have on in the beginning of a relationship.
My mother married a sociopath and blames him for everything, but her borderline and autism made her unable to see behind other people’s agenda. If she wanted to committ to Family constellation therapy she would never cater to abusive people so much anymore. But she STILL does it regularly. Blaming others while not trying to become more responsible for oneself is not helpful. It just endures the pain and disappointment.