Divorce dumps you onto a ferocious emotional roller coaster. Be forewarned: your best friend may be your worst nightmare to ride beside you.
Observe:
In the midst of mediation, Emily got a call from her BFF, Denise. “Checking in,” Denise said. “How’re you doing and how’s Pedro doing?”
Emily was at the end of her rope – no sleep, depressed, lonely and scared. Pedro was pushing for more money. Emily was caving. She felt a tinge of anger that Denise asked about Pedro.
Emily’s response: “OMG, Pedro’s out for blood. I really need to talk to you. You need to know the truth. I guess 30 years together doesn’t matter? I hate him, Denise!”
Emily and Pedro couldn’t settle in mediation. Their case went to court. To Emily’s shock, Denise appeared as a witness for Pedro.
Betrayal
It happens too frequently. The “friend” you thought you could trust betrays you, and – bam – you’ve been slammed in the belly. It’s not always as dramatic as witnessing against you, of course. It might be as little as not keeping your confidence.
Here’s the deal: your friends are human like the rest of us. We all have our own monkeys on our backs – our own issues – no matter how close your friendship is. Sometimes, the better you know someone, the more “stuff” gets in the way of listening, helping, and keeping your secrets. It happens to best friends all the time, but this is why we can’t always trust our best friends during our divorce.
I believe it’s never pre-meditated. Your friend isn’t intentionally hurting you. Under the surface, however, friends have their own drivers that cause them to double-cross you, unwittingly. Nonetheless, the pain of that deception can take years to heal. Take a look at these unconscious reasons for disloyalty to you:
- Jealousy. You’re now competition.
- Threatened. Their marriage is shaky and the guts to end yours is intimidating.
- Judging. “You should stay. He’s a good man.” They don’t want to hear facts – they just want to be right.
- No life. Your drama is their Downton Abbey, and they crave the thrill of watching it all come down.
- Stressed, too. They resent the spotlight on you when they are struggling with their own set of problems.
- Projection. They give advice based on their own divorce. It worked for them so surely it’s right for you.
- Clueless. They have no idea what it’s like for you. They decide how to help based on learning from The Good Wife.
- Well meaning. They started off strong, promising to “be there” for you no matter what. As time goes on, they back off because the burden is too much.
How To Avoid Betrayal
Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. They’re doing what people do: their stuff is more important than yours, and they act without thinking of the profound repercussions for you.
Never use your friends as a primary source of advice or trust during a divorce or breakup.
OK, I can hear your push-back, but believe me, confiding in someone too close can come back to bite you.
Find a sounding board and get advice outside your circle of friends. Invest in a divorce recovery professional who specializes in keeping you sane throughout the process, and can listen and advise objectively. Ask your lawyer for a referral.
If you can’t afford a coach/therapist, a spiritual leader may be your best bet. Also consider joining a group of others going through divorce for support and understanding.
In any case, shrink your circle of trusted advisors until the divorce is over. Ask yourself: does this person have the necessary skills and time available to devote to me during this crazy roller coaster I’m on? If not, ensure that the friendship will be in place on the other side by sharing harmless selected shorts about your divorce/breakup. Please don’t allow your friend to become a full blown confidante. Save that for the pros.
Of course, I’m not saying don’t tell your friends anything. I’m saying be careful. By not burdening them with all the gory details right now, you’re ensuring a friendship that will long outlast the divorce or breakup.
Good article. Not only that, far too often, if your spouse is cheating on you, it is with your friend.
Good article! However I think it’s also important to realize that if this really was your best friend and “all of a sudden” they’re siding with your ex it could be because they realized that they didn’t know his side of the story and never saw how badly you not only treated your husband but your children as well. Maybe you need to reevaluate what you did to caused your divorce. And maybe you should get over it and move on with your life and stop being so bitter and spiteful! Grow up and place some blame on yourself for once! It’s called Karma and thankfully you’re getting what you deserve!
This betrayal has just happened to me by a long time friend. I have been searching for any insight and/or answer as to why. Thank you for your article.
I asked my BFF of 20+ years to pick a side, mine or his to be on UNTIL litigation & everything was final & that at anytime during the litigation she wanted to change sides, that as long as she said something to me, I could deal with it. She replied that she loved me and that she was my friend and she was on my side, no matter what. Fast forward 4 months and she made a couple of comments that told me that she and my ex had spoken. I assumed that she was attempting to get some of my possessions from the ex, as she had done 8 months earlier for me and all to my surprise. I again asked her whose side she was on. She swore she was on my side.
When she went to my parents house a couple of times a week for a couple of months, she was always crying saying she missed me and wanted to know what happened to her friend, blah blah blah…..
I asked an online acquaintance who is quite computer savvy if he could get a list of telephone calls made or received from the ex’s cell. A day later he sent me a caller list for the past 90 days and a audio of a voice mail message my friend left for my ex 4 days earlier. The phone list showed that my ex and bff had been talking at least once a week, for a half hour or more for at least 3 months. She NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT HER & MY EX TALKING.
Not only did she betray me, she brought my parents into this drama, as well. I feel she did it to take any attention off her guilt and have my parents undermine & question MY CHARACTER.
At a time in my life when I needed a friend the most, my bff abandoned me & made my parents question me. She chose self-serving opportunity over loyalty to a 20+ year friendship. That was all on her and I say goodbye to bad rubbish
Fast forward 4 months to today, the faux bff still talks with my ex and has attended 2 BBQs at my former home. A week ago, I sent her a text saying that maybe her live in boyfriend should know how often she speaks to or visits with my ex. I sent that text to her boyfriend that included the house addtess 3 days ago and texted the ex that my former bff might be contacting him real soon.
I got a text from the ex yesterday. He asked how I knew she would be calling him and that I should be in jail for harassment for causing her so much BS from her boyfriend.
I don’t know why my bff INTENTIONALLY BACKSTABBED ME and brought my parents into it all. (GUILT?) At this point, I decided to not waste any time trying to figure it out. I hope that in the future Donna has a friend who is exactly like the friend she was to me.