Most of the couples I’ve counseled reported that they knew it was time to divorce when they started to notice warning signs that appeared early on in their relationship. These warning signs contributed to the eventual breakup of their marriage. For instance, couples who split up often say that they felt criticized or put down by their partner and that they argued about the same things over and over (and over) again.
In many cases, couples become detached and eventually lose fondness, admiration, and love for one another over time. Sweeping issues under the rug only works for so long; when couples have deep-seated resentment, it can be a challenge to forgive and forget. When this starts to happen, it may be time to divorce.
How Can You be Sure that It’s Time to Divorce?
For instance, Kate and Brian, a couple in their early thirties, have been married six years and signed on for counseling due to chronic dissatisfaction and poor communication. After meeting with this couple twice, it was apparent that they’d fallen into a pursuer-distancer pattern – one in which one partner is seeking more intimacy and the other is looking for distance. Researcher E. Mavis Hetherington, author of For Better Or For Worse, found in her study of over 1,400 divorced families that this pattern is one of the main causes for divorce. Over time, it erodes the love and trust between partners – so they lack the emotional and sexual intimacy that comes from being in harmony with each other.
Sitting pensively with Brian in my office, Kate reflects: “Brian says he wants to get close and he often seeks me out for sex, but he doesn’t follow through on household chores and he keeps secrets from me.” Brian describes Kate as bossy and distant – unwilling to show affection or sexual intimacy. He says: “Kate is good at giving orders and has a list of complaints about me. But no one knows how much it hurts when she pushes me away and won’t talk or make love – it just makes me feel so rejected.”
Trust and Vulnerability are Crucial to a Healthy Marriage
Truth be told, a healthy intimate relationship is built on trust and vulnerability, which involves sharing your innermost feelings, thoughts, and wishes. Being vulnerable means taking a risk to share our authentic self, rather than saying what we think your partner wants to hear. According to marriage experts, sharing your thoughts and feelings fosters intimacy and trust – the glue that can hold a marriage together during times of stress and turmoil.
Author and therapist Claire Hatch, LCSW, posits: “If you’re bottling up feelings of sadness or anger, you end up suppressing your feelings. You’ll find yourself feeling less joy and love, as well.” In other words, if you can’t talk about the hard things, you’ll also feel less warmth and affection, and, over time, less fondness and admiration for your partner.
8 Ways You Know It’s Time to Divorce:
- You feel criticized and put down by your partner frequently, and this leaves you feeling less than “good enough.” According to renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, the author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (Simon & Schuster), criticism is one of the main reasons why marriages collapse.
- You find yourself being defensive and/or guarded with your partner. You have difficulty being vulnerable, and you’re often left regretting that you revealed your feelings and desires.
- Your children’s needs tend to come first. In I Love You But You Always Put Me Last (HCI, 2014), therapist and author Andrew G. Marshall writes: “If you put your children first, day in and day out, you will exhaust your marriage.” He posits that many parents fall into the trap of putting their children first, and the outcome is resentful, alienated parents and demanding, insecure children.
- You don’t enjoy socializing with each other’s friends or families, so you begin spending more time away from one another. This may start out as an occasional weeknight away from your partner when they invite you to socialize with them and others. But if not nipped in the bud, it can spill over into weekends – ideally when couples have an opportunity to spend more time together.
- You often feel lonely when you’re with your partner. As a result, you experience less affection, closeness, or intimacy. You may find yourself confiding your marital problems to a close friend or co-worker – someone who has a sympathetic ear.
- You have vastly different needs for sexual intimacy and/or you rarely have sex. Relationship expert Cathy Meyer writes, “Whether it is him or you that has lost interest, a lack of regular intimacy in a marriage is a bad sign. Sex is the glue that binds, it is the way us adults play and enjoy each other.”
- You’ve fallen into a pursuer-distancer pattern. One of you is usually seeking more intimacy and the other is looking for distance. This is one of the main causes of divorce. Over time, it erodes the love and trust between you because you’ll lack the emotional and sexual intimacy that comes from being connected.
- Your disagreements seldom get resolved, so you tend to argue about the same things over and over again. You fall into the trap of blaming each other and fail to compromise or apologize. As a result, you experience less warmth and closeness.
The Secret to a Happy Marriage
In sum, all couples have problems, even those who appear to be soulmates, but the secret to a happy marriage is a willingness to be vulnerable. Author Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW, writes: “A good marriage cannot be without one key element: vulnerability.” Keep in mind that it’s a good idea to consult a counselor if you think it is time to divorce to weigh your options and to see if the good outweighs the bad in your marriage. If your partner is willing to go for marriage counseling and you go early on in the relationship, some marriages can be saved.
You can follow Terry Gaspard (MSW, LICSW) on Facebook, Twitter, and order her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy A Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship from her website: www.movingpastdivorce.com.
When your wife calls you a “loser, good for nothing, useless, not even a man” is that a sign? Ever since I was med-rel by DND CAN, that’s all I hear almost everyday since 2004. I injured both my legs while serving & had no choice but to take a med-rel. W/ 2 bad legs, I had to go on perm-disability and that’s when it all started for me.
Definitely time to leave her. She’s already cheating on you.
You don’t know that !! Your not in that home !! Who knows what she has gotten fed up with dealing with, when my husband is hurt or sick You’d think he’s dying and does very little around the house really sometimes I think it takes effort for him to breathe. So unless you hear from both sides don’t assume their is an affair women’s needs for sex are wayyyy different from men’s.
I agree, but it looks like verbal/emotional abuse. I went through that And it really sucks. Either leave, or gain confidence and talk to her calmly about it. Problems never go away unless you face them and make compromises. Being mean to each other isn’t the answer.
My Husband and I have been married for ten months now, been together almost two years. It seemed like as soon as we got married, EVERYTHING changed! For starters, my husband is paralyzed from a car wreck so he’s in a wheelchair so I do all the house work which is whatever. My problem is the constant complaining no matter what I do, in his eyes he could have done everything I do a million times better before he was injured. This morning alone I got screamed at for making him fat by cooking to much and was told he wished he would have never met me. I’m almost to the point where I wish the same damn thing. I only live two and a half hours from my family (we live around his) yet if I call them even once a week for ten minutes I get told how stuck up their ass I am and how I need to get off the tit soon. (I’m 20, he’s 25 and all of a sudden is a huge believer that as a millennial I am incapable of doing anything) I should also add that he’s on the phone talking to his step dad for hours every day. He has two girls from his previous marriage and every week I drive six hours to pick them up but as soon as we get to the house I’m treated like garbage by him. So then the girls think it’s okay to do the same and repeats everything he calls me to me. I keep thinking about divorce because nothing seems to change. He went to counseling once and hasn’t been back since. I’m a full time college student, work, only driver in this house, clean up after everyone, cook, do the man stuff around the house, and now he has the audacity to tell me to get another full time job and accuse me of cheating. First off, when I would possibly have the time to cheat is beyond me. I haven’t had a second to myself in ages, there’s no way I’m confident enough to even try to get out there again. I’ve never felt this worthless before and I truly don’t believe I am but getting told something over and over again can really tear a person up. I’m almost to my breaking point but I know if I leave him, he will make sure to take everything and ruin anything I have going for me right now. Is there any chance it will go back to how it used to be when he couldn’t get enough of me and it was likewise? Thanks for any advice, anything is appreciated.
It sounds like he’s taking his situation out on you. He’s been knocked down in life by the accident and injuries and he’s making sure you’re knocked down as well. Did you know that if you put a bunch of crabs in a pot to boil and one tries to escape the others will pull the one back down? Crazy isn’t it? Did you once love each other? Was there something there before? Was he ever respectful of your family? Do you wish your marriage could go back to a time before? If there’s something there that’s salvageable then stay and work it out, if not leave. It sounds like all of his agony is rooted in the accident. Now he can’t do anything, he’s insecure, he probably thinks you love him less and respect him less because that’s how he feels about himself. He’s going through trauma and taking it out on you. Either he’s not a bad person and just doesn’t know how to deal with and accept his new situation or he’s nidt a dick and you need to get out of there. That choice is yours. If you put your foot down about driving to pick up his kids and instead made someone else do it, how would he react? If he’s not willing to empathize even a little bit with you then let him go. If you can explain how what he’s done has made you feel and if he’s responsive to it then there’s something there. But if he brushes you off or if it’s all about him then let him go. You can’t reason with feelings and he’s feeling a lot right now. Probably feeling useless and lost and not wanting to accept his current situation. Look up the 5 stages of grief and see if you can figure out which one he is at. Either way, figure out if he wants to change. Is he lashing out because he doesn’t know what to do or how to handle the circumstances OR is it time for you to move on? Only you can decide that. Good luck and God bless you
Look up “narcissist”
Hi, I’m neither a therapist nor family counselor however, after reading your story a few flags went up. Mostly, red flags. It is natural for anyone who’s been in an accident and become disabled to feel anger. Unfortunately, since you live with him your the one that’s on the receiving end of his anger. Including the fact that you are still healthy. In order for a marriage to be successful intimacy must be present. Is he able to perform sexually? Although, with the way he is verbally and emotionally abusing You I doubt You would want to have sex with him. Also intimacy doesn’t always have to include sex. Ask him to seek professional help and join support group to help him deal with his circumstances. If he refuses then he’s not invested in the relationship. You can also join a support group with other people in the same situation. As far as losing “everything” in My opinion losing yourself and subjecting yourself to this abuse is not worth anything you might consider valuable. You are young, ask a family member if you can stay with them until you can get back on your feet. Don’t blame yourself if you seek a divorce. In sickness and in health does not exclude him from honouring and cherishing you. You have your whole life ahead of you. Get hold of the white flag and give up on this relationship. You might feel like you failed in the marriage, but you will actually be saving a worthwhile life.
Great advice, Lucy. Thanks for commenting.
My husband and I got married in 2016. I have my 4 year old son. We fight daily bc he doesn’t help me around the house and is constantly mad about something. He won’t talk to me anymore. Our time together is spent sitting on opposite sides of the living room on our phones or watching tv. My husband hounds me about sex but how am I supposed to have sex with someone who is always so damn mean??? It just kills the entire mood. He always thinks he’s right even though it’s usually me in the end who was right. I’m no longer happy. He yalls at me so much and fights with me so much my son has started to yell at me and anytime my husband gets mad my 4 year old comes straight to me and asks ” why you make dada mad?” My son genuinely thinks it my fault. I’m a police officer so I know I’m not around a lot but when I am he doesn’t want to talk or do anything other than have sex or be on his phone. We haven’t had sex in almost 11 months bc the month after we got married his whole person changed. I no longer recognize the man I’m married to. He used to be grateful and now he doesn’t even say thank you he finds a reason it’s not right no matter what it is. Help! Please! Should I leave or should I stay??? I should add that he started counseling for his temper after I threatened a divorce but quit 2 months later. He said he didn’t need help to fix himself.
I’m in the same boat. I’m really considering divorce. We have only been married about 6 months and I feel like I just want to scream. All my husband wants to do is sit in the bedroom and play video games or if he isn’t doing that then he doesn’t want to be home. Like tonight. I asked him to help me because I was trying to clean, cook, and take care of the 2 yr old. He had the nerve to say. “Welcome to motherhood.” Are you kidding me???? We have an appointment for counseling but not until July 25th, and I’m sure he’ll back out before then, he’s agreed to go multiple times and then changed his mind. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not happy.
Tell him that. Put your foot down and tell him that.
The beginning of marriage is super hard but you have to gain confidence and tell him he need to step up and be a father and husband to you and your child or he need to go. That’s that.
If he is as “mean” as you say and he claims he doesn’t need to fix himself then there is a problem. He has to be willing and open to change if there is a problem. Also, 11 months is a very longtime to not be intimate and is a big cause for concern, have you tried counseling together? If marriage counseling doesn’t work then I say it may be time to move on.
Have you tried doing everything you can to make him happy? Its like an investment. Sacrifice your need to play candy crush or whatever you think is important and show him affection, in return a husband with an empty sack and a full belly will conquer the earth for you.
What an a****** thing to say.
well it’s true, just not written poetically for you
Then why doesn’t a husband jerk if and pay for a cook and a maid?
Weird 1940’s comment.
I am on the same boat. My wife is so damn mean. Anything and everything i do is a problem. Shes constantly nagging me abouy everything. Our failed marriage is only my fault. She is verbally abusive. The things shes says to me are not ok, for example. “I am the biggest mistake of her life”, ” She hates me”, ‘I dont leave cause i have nowhere else to go” ” she dreams of her life before me”, ” she wishes someone else was laying next to her” … I know im not crazy. But hearing those thibgs takes a toll on someones heart. I use to be a happy, funny and loving person. Now, i dont even know who i am. I need help. I dont know what to do. .
Well maybe you should leave. If she feels that strong of a resentment towards you, why not part ways? No sense in making each other miserable.
Yep, time to head out. Maybe it’s just a fact. Men and Women aren’t meant to be together in a relationship past making kids or 6 months to a year. Any non-typical situation is a disqualifier and should be avoided at all costs. Just have sex with whoever you want when the moment strikes and maintain the highest standards/requirements in an attempt to preserve yourself for your own sake and don’t discover a new you aka you as part of a whole, continue to dwell on who you were before and how that miserable sack of crap no longer exists and due to the fact that this is the natural progression of relationship, somehow your personal needs and desires supercede the concept of you being a completed whole. Cheers on your much more healthy and happy life!
If you really got f’d up by serving then tough sh*t for her. Everybody’s got a pay a price! Everybody excepts their freedom with the lack of excepting that you need to put yourself in a place to protect our freedom. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do we part. It’s not the deal we made. If you were truly hurt in action then either leave her ( if you don’t have kids ) or do your best to make it work. That’s my opinion. God bless America. Thank you for your service.
so wait, don’t leave if you have kids? that’s wrong. i used to think it was right. yes, stay together with the fighting and non-love, letting the kids witness all this.
My wife is a great wonderful person. We have two kids and a house and been together since 2011. She is a great mom by taking care of kids and cleaning house. And I Work fULL Time And COME And Take Care of Kids When I Get Off. But I feel that she doesn’t want to get affectionate most times. When I try to talk to her or just hold on she just says I’m tired or not now. Like she doesn’t have time for me. I feel like she is not happy with me and I’m trying to keep us together. But slowly falling apart. Idk if she is secretly talking to another man. I love my wife with all my heart. Just don’t know what to do. She isn’t the same person I fell in love with…
your wife is taking you for granted. explain this to her how you feel. ask her outright if she wants to be with you. she may be unaware of how you feel and still loves you. good luck
Been married for 24 years, kids grown up in college,no sex for 6 years she is always saying wise comments can’t talk to each other with out a fight she won’t go to counseling she refuses to even sleep in same bed for years
I help her around house and always took care of kids so she could do her thing
The high light of day is one quick kiss with no love u just kiss and leave
You need to get out. Yes it would be difficult to move on but there are a lot worse scenarios people are overcoming in the world today. In the long run you will be happier, you only have one life to live.
seriously GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN’T SEE THIS? you’re there because you’re used to each other!
I been married for 11 years and no sex after I got pregnant. Last night I found out my husband lied to me again. He cheated me 3x or maybe 4x or maybe 5x not sure what’s the exact number but I gave him another chances because we have a son, his 5 years old now. Today, I’m lost, I don’t know if I could give him another chance but nor I don’t want our son feeling get hurts. I need wisdom and guidance. Should I file for divorce?
Your worth more than what your husband is giving you. Self respect is important and if he doesn’t respect you by cheating, respect yourself and show him your stronger than being second best. I would file for divorce you will only end up in this position later on. For you and your kids, put yourself first x
I’ve been married for 13 yrs. My husband is a good man. He works hard and I don’t think he cheats on me. He does however, spend more time with his phone and computer. He stays up late to play video games. He does not take the time to plan nights out with me, ever … he doesn’t do things to make me feel special. Mind you, I plan Birthday parties for him each year. I plan meals for him daily. I take care of all home matters as if I did not have a job outside the home. I work nights in an Emergency Room, he works days in a non stressful job. We don’t connect, ever. We have not been intimate in 2 years. He is always short on patience and does not take time with the kids, so this falls solely on my shoulders. I am done, tapped out. His family has never treated me well. Me and my children are always secondary, and he does not understand my frustration with this. I fear the writing is on the wall. I don’t want to hurt him, but it feels like this marriage is done. Thoughts?
I swear it feels like you just described my marriage. We have been married for 6 years now. I think I am on my last straw and want a divorce even though I feel im going to be hurting my 3 children in the long run. I have been uphappy for the last 5 years and feel like I don’t have a life or even feel wanted anymore.
This is exactly how I feel. I’ve only been married 10 months. Together for 4 years, seems soon as we got married he acts differently. Not affectionate at all. Spend time talking on the phone with females. He say are his co workers. We are intimate so there’s no issue. Everyone thinks he so great but I’m like an after thought. No more date nights or any time for us. He doesn’t seem to be bothered or has no desire for me. Should I get out now? I don’t have 5 more years to waste.
You’ve described my marriage. My husband is always the good guy and I’m “demanding” and hard to live with. Every one thinks he is such a great guy. But he isn’t nice to me or our kids and treats us all like an afterthought. I’m tired of feeling unimportant and hurting. Divorce has to be easier than living like this, right? We have been married for 13 years, and we used to be happy. Now I just can’t stand him.
How did this marriage turn out ? Your kids and you ?
I’ve been with my husband for 27 years this year, married for 15. We met and started dating was I was 14, so I’ve grown up with him but for as long as I can remember we have fought and made up. When he is nice he is amazing but his moods are a problem. I think it started after our first child 15 years ago. But he’s pushed and pushed and I’ve bern stubborn and pushed back. He is obsessed with the house being a show home, but I just want a home. No matter how much I clean it’s never enough or done to his standards. Our kids see me heart broken numerous times s, he even ignores the kids completely if he’s in a mood. At the minute we don’t speak at all, he hasn’t since December last year. I’ve never stopped him going anywhere with anyone, I’ve always stayed and had the kids. But I’m at fault as we don’t do anything together, not even for walks and when he has tried I just haven’t. Not because I didn’t want too just because I have so much to do. He has lots of savings, none of which I’m entitled too because it’s his money. He sees to the bigger things in the house and I look after the kids, but I can’t take no more. I’m scared getting a divorce is the wrong decision because I love him, but I don’t know what else to do?
My relationship with my wife has suffered many hard blows. Beginning about 1 year ago. Beginning with slight petty arguments here and there. Then escalated to a night spent away from each other resulting in her being unfaithful. But for the sake of my son having a United family I attempted to repair. Ever since we have struggled to the bone to get back to square 1. . She does nothing but criticize my every move. Our days now consist of her on the couch thumbing her fb page while I sit at the kitchen table in silence. There is a lot of times that I make excuses to stay at work because I don’t wanna go home. The ONLY time we hug or kiss is when I leave or before bed. The ONLY time she says I love you is when I say it. And it never seems that we can ever get on any kind of same page. I’m lost. I want nothing more to keep trying for my kids. But I don’t want them to grow up in an unstable home either. I love my kids to the moon and stars and I know first hand what that’s like. Can anyone please offer me any kind of advice. I’m not a guy just trying to trash his wife. I’m just a physically and mentally exhausted man who works 50+ hours a week to solely provide for his kids, and needs advice to make the right decision. Thank you in advance.
This reply is for most of you. I have been married for 27 years with three grown kids. We fought about the kids a thousand times. We swept stuff under the rug we did everything to keep trying. Now I’m 57 the kids r out and I really wish I would have left many years ago. It doesn’t get better. And staying for the kids is a joke. We have his team and I have mine with the kids split down the middle. If it doesn’t work… it doesn’t. Leave. Be alone or fine a friend who is really like u. Why try for years to make it work?? We come into the world alone and we will leave it alone as well.
thanks for the comment. this solved my problems.
My husband and I have been married soon to be 3 years in a few days. For this past year our marriage has been rocky! He barely tells me he love me, only way he’ll say it is if I tell him first. Even then it’s dry when he say it back! When we get into a argument he always call his grandma!!! I’ve been verbally abuse and disrespected long enough that I just want out of this marriage. I get called a b**ch, stupid, dumb and all of the above. He don’t respect my wishes and dreams. Really and truly he thinks it’s all about him! He complains when he have to watch our children while I work or attend school. He always expect me to do everything. My body is tired and worn out, so sometimes I’m not up for sex so he gets angry about that. At times our two year old isn’t sleep that makes it hard to try and have sex as well. Recently we’ve gotten into a fight because my mother a planned a surprise birthday trip for me. He got in his feelings told me his grandma was right about me I’m not wife material, told me he was falling out of love with me, once again called me out of my name. He apologized and think that everything is cool…well I can’t get over that!
he should go live with his grandma since he loves her so much and willing to put you down because she thinks you aren’t wife material.
Any husband or wife should not ever call their spouse bad names cursed words. This is verbal abuse believe me he will continue to treat you this way as long as you allow it. I would make it crystal clear if he calls you names again he would have to go to counseling or both of you may need it. If he refuses you miles well get a divorce a person can only change if he acknowledge it. Plan & simple! I hate divorce but sometimes it just can not be helped. Do everything possible to make it work it take both people to want the marriage to work. Some people have different ideas of a healthy marriage. Life is too short. I have been married 42 yrs. and really realize I am not happy and have not been happy for number of yrs. Our kids are grown and married and we have grandkids. I pray God will give the strength to be able to stay healthy and find a way to make the best of my situation at my age. My husband has always been a good provider helped with our kids as they were growing up. The problem is he is not very affectioned as I would like. Older he gets it seems more like a brother & sister relationship. Tiime will tell what I decide to do. He is type of person he will stay in our marriage and be unhappy he has troubles making decisions at times more than not runs me crazy. Have a great day and remember God does have a plan for all of us.
I have been married for 17 years. I met my husband when I was 15 years old and we have 3 children. I am a full time mom and I work a full time job. My husband has not had a job in 2years, yet I still get yelled at about things OUR kids do around the house, if there are crumbs on the floor, etc. Our home is only in his name and now I am starting to here YALL TEARING UP MY HOUSE. I really dont have anywhere else to go right now so I’m just dealing with it until I can do better
My husband & I had do a lot of weekend rides, etc. it’s been a few months or more, we have no communication, I love to talk, when I tries to talk to him, he leaves. A couple of months ago, I had back surgery, it’s worse, he leaves the house when he comes from work, he does not discuss anything with me, that is going on at OUR home, he tells me, that this is HIS house. I’m lonely, I’m aggravated, I’m disgusted & I have really been having divorce on my mind. I’m just tired of feeling empty.
We have been married for 23 years and raised 3 daughter’s the 26 year old lives at home. I do love my husband but feel no attraction to him I don’t care about having sex with him and the flame is just flickering. He can’t forgive and forget he brings up the past and is very hateful to me. I just don’t know if there is hope to relight the flame or what to do at this point.
Leave his sorry ass
I love my husband and we have 3 amazing kids. He works I have my own business but the stress of my life is taking its toil on me. I try to think why am I unhappy I know why. I have been married for 14 years coming October my husband cheated on me 5 years into our marriage I tell myself I’m over it but truth be told every now and then I have nightmares about it. I can’t get over it. Over the years with three sections, stress of a business taking care of him and kids I got fat and he reminds me everyday that I am, not in words but the way he looks at me or not looking at me. My husband hasn’t touch me in nearly two years and his excuse is he told me to lose weight and I won’t. He is not attractive to me anymore. I haven’t gotten a a hug or a kiss from my husband no physical touch in two years. He sleeps on the side of the bed at the edge so he doesn’t have to touch me. Most times he doesn’t even sleep in the room. When we go out he acts as if we have the perfect marriage but once home we return to only being roommates. We go on holidays but nothing. I tried losing weight the last few weeks I lost 21 pounds but he didn’t even care even when I told him no affection. Others will comment about how great I look when I dress up he would just don’t care. I hate myself because of him and I go to bed crying most night and wake up sad everyday. Then I need to remind myself to be happy for the kids and put on this happy wife feature. I now in the most beautiful place on holiday and feel so lonely I can’t get myself out of this depression. I don’t know what to do. We have a big beautiful room for ourself with massive bed but he still sleeps on the edge as far away as he can from me. Enough self pity guess it’s my fault lose weight well back to putting on a happy face for my kids the happy married wife😭😭
Girl. U gotta live while ur alive!!! Dang it seems like u can’t breathe without his approval. Dump his sorry a**. I know the minute u do and start looking fine he’ll b crawling back. That’s when u step on tat cockroach real hard and say ….get lost u bum!!!!
I am not sure whats going on but I think my relationship is growing apart.
My life – my job has me in CA for about 10 days and then I come home every other weekend for the family. My wife does work hard and takes care of the kids and does work too. So she is overwhelmed. I stay with her parents when i am in CA, so I it’s not that I am just in a lonely apartment. But if I am on the phone with her, or when I get back home, i feel like I get belittled way too often. I dont feel like I actually have a place that I truly call home.
This job was supposed to be a remote job but the company, a large energy company, pushed for the report to the office instead. They gave us a year and half to move. We are at the time to potentially move, but most likely holding off further.
my wife and I have been together since 2009. We have two boys from her old marriage, as well as one of our own. I think we had a good relationship for a while, but I do look at it and it’s never been a true relationship. I was single before so when we started together it was practically a family immediately. Never had a time for ourselves to build. Don’t get me wrong, we do go out for dinner together alone, but never a honeymoon or a wedding (just the court wedding – (I bought a house to put us in a permanent home). We never have gone on a vacation together either alone.
If I do something worng, I feel like I am belittled so much. even when the job is stressful, I don’t want to talk to her about it. I have a hard job, which I think everyone does, but I feel if I talk about the stress, then a nasty comment comes out. I never feel like I can talk to her as a partner. Its like a lash out comment will happen. This or that, I feel like there is a comment for everything.
I am not a perfect person. I do have ADD, but I have worked hard to get to where I am. I care a lot about others including her and the boys, as well as my daughter of course. I feel like I gave up a lot to be with her and two boys. I don’t ask for anything from it, it’s just who i am. But honestly, I don’t feel good anymore
I’ve been married for 7 years. Together for 8.
I left my life and country for him. I tried to give my all and am met with constant criticism, nasty sarcasm, rude comments and when it’s time for him to come home I’m scared. I don’t know what I’ll get. Will it be a fight? Will I be belittled? Will I be told I’m not doing enough? I developed anxiety and panic attacks. I was already predisposed but I’ve never been this bad. These last 2 months I’ve barely slept with him because … he’s mean. Why would I want to? And when he’s nice I’m so nervous for because I’m just waiting for him to say something that punches me in the heart. The kids always say they like it better when he’s gone. If I could just break free of this and run over the border I could be fine…. but I’d sooner die than leave my kids. …. everything I want is back home.
He always says its my fault and I’m distant. I’m scared. I’m scared to talk because I’ll say the wrong thing. The kids are scared. But is it bad enough to be abuse? I don’t know. Take kids from their father and move away? I don’t even know if I can. I just know I’m sad. I’m depressed even… and I see no future here. I wanted this to work so bad. Counseling made it worse. Talking makes it worse. Saying I’m going to leave it gets all twisted until I’m saying sorry for everything and take it all on myself and try to be a good servant. But I’m tired. I’m tired of the daily stuff when it’s “good” … I’m scared of the daily stuff when it’s bad… I’m scared of losing my children or having to stay in this country. I want to go home .
My wife tells almost daily, puts me down daily and, while now recuperating from Achilles tendon tear surgery, where I can not walk or even stand, she says she’s tired of doing things for me (I only ask her to pick something up on her way home). No sex in 23 YEARS.
OUR friends are falling away saying she is mean. She will not respond to me when I bring this up. I know there is plenty of anger about our finances. But we get by
I was blindsided about a month ago by my husband that he can’t stand my daughter which is his stepdaughter they used to be best friends but she is 21 now and has been disrespectful to me and everyone . And now he is so pissed at me for not making her respect us he wants to go find himself and figure out what makes him happy I don’t no what we are right now I’m confused he treats me like the plague he works on the road and is always gone and when he gone he’s always drinking out on the road with his friends. He got really violent a couple of weeks ago when he was home and drinking it was like he hated me so that he wanted to hurt me. He has also admitted being at bars flirting with other women. But wants to blame everything on my daughter that is wrong with us. I dont want a divorce i would love to fix us more than anything but he says he dont no if he has it in him any more. Do i just need to let him go.
This is both our second marriage. In the beginning he was wonderful. Would help out and do things for me. Now it seems he goes to work and on the weekends he sits around and wants to do nothing. He has lied to me
Several times about his drinking. I basically do everything for him and get nothing in return. A simple task like making dinner for me on the weekends is like pulling teeth from a newborn. I’ve asked him to go to counseling and he laughs at me. I don’t know what else to do. I have been there for good and when the shit hits the fan i am there to clean it up. I have tried to talk to him and explain what is the issue but that falls on deaf ears
Marriage is like a business transaction to paradise to eternal happiness…if your partners crap then leave their only going to make you behave negatively and bring out the worst in you. They can make you miserable and miserable people can begin to behave in negative ways. No you won’t go to hell for leaving a violent husband or wife , no you won’t go to hell for leaving a compulsive gambler, you won’t go to hell for leaving a cheater or a compulsive liar, you won’t go to hell for leaving a child abuser or any person abuser, you don’t stay in a marriage “till death do us part” if the person you married is a criminal,liar or anything else deserving divorce.
I have no idea why that is in a marriage vow anyway since human nature is as unpredictable as the weather.
Alot of people stay with bad partners because they think they are their counsellors sorry no you don’t need to counsel them…you need to look after yourself,your health and your self dignity your self esteem.
Married 18 years and laying here in bed reading these realizing our marriage has been over a while. We both work full time, however when it comes time for School or Christmas I always work overtime to be able to afford the things our two kids need. Why would I have to do this? Because I basically pay for everything. We almost make the same amount of money an hour I just make 50 cent more and on any given week we are both working 40 hours but I am the sole provider for our family. I pay every single bill which takes 98% of my income and he buys groceries an puts gas in the vehicles which is barely 30% of his income. I am always broke while he has money to spend, if I ask for money then “how dare I spend HIS money” yet if I have worked overtime then he is right there to spend any extra in mine.
I am so starved for affection and attention that I hate to admit cheating looks like a legitimate option at this point. I cannot get a hug, a kiss or even an I love you. I have had to beg to get him to simply roll over and hold me in bed, even then he bitched so it wasn’t worth the fight. I’m tired of feeling so utterly alone while even being in the same room with him. I beg to spend time together which is usually spent with him watching videos on his phone ignoring me.
The house we are buying has so many projects that he juat never completes to the point I’ve had start doing them myself. I’m not talking about little stuff like a room that’s been half painted for five years, I’m talking I’m fixing plumbing issues myself or paying family to fix it. I’m doing most of the housework and what I don’t get done our children finish. I can’t even get this man to take the trash can to the end of the driveway on trash day our 13 year old son does it.
Worst part is I work second shift and he works first so I constantly have to take time to call and text our kids to make sure they do chores, homework, bathe and get ready for bed. Where he is? Playing on his phone or watching Tv. Our 13 year old aso does over 90% of the cooking for him and his sister because my husband is too tired to be bothered with feeding his own kids! What the hell do I do?
As a start, I recommend getting the book, “For Women Only”. Read it and you will have a better understanding of him and ways to make things better. There is no magic pill, repair takes time and patience but if you are willing you will see amazing results. Hope this helps and good luck!
Ashley, no book will help you, get out, get out now. Go find a Attorney and start divorce proceedings. I’m in the same situation but have been married for 33 years and I wish someone would’ve took me this 15 years ago. Because no matter how hard you try he won’t change. Especially after 18 years and that has been his pattern for a while. You sound like a strong person and you can do this and you deserve better then him in life. The only hard part in this equation is your kids, can they handle a divorce?
If your husband calls you names first such as “a dumb psycho b****” everytime you fight, is it a sign?
Nope terms of endearment…… ok , no, leave his a**. that is flat out disrespectful and unhealthy.
I’ve been married 12 years. My husband is a good person and I love him for that although I’m not in love with him and haven’t been for a long time. It’s just us or should I say just me. Our kids are adults and have their own lives. Sex is almost non existent for several years. We argue over stupid things. We don’t go out with friends all of my friends have issues as far as he is concerned. I go to work come home watch some tv and go to bed he is on the internet all the time after work. I love to travel he won’t even think about getting in a plane. Life is short and I feel like I might be wasting my time. I’ve been married twice before the thought of divorce again really sucks!
I really cannot stand my husband right now. I feel damned near bi-polar (but I’m not) staying married to him. Every week is a roller coaster – we may get an “ok” day here or there, but that is sure to be followed by pure hell. My husband is a whiner and is never accountable for anything. EVER. I find myself getting upset over any and everything that he does. It’s not so much that he is making mistakes, it’s that he ignores them and me when I bring them to his attention, or he gives the same old crap story about how he needs to pay attention more, how he needs to focus more, etc. It’s like pulling teeth getting him to admit to anything, and when he does acknowledge his faults, there is never any effort to correct them. I almost hate him. I hate the dead look on his face when I’m trying to have a conversation with him. I hate how he doesn’t reply because “he doesn’t know what to say.” We’ve had sex maybe four or five times this year, I have no real desire to sleep with him. I tried writing him a letter putting everything out there and he never even wrote me back. Part of me wants to stay together for our kid, but I hate arguing in front of my kid because it always makes me look like the “bad” person. We have a big house and have been sleeping in separate rooms for almost three years. I don’t want to feel like I am losing myself and am wasting the last few years of my “young” life being angry at him. What I really want is an open marriage. Financially, we really can’t afford to separate (it would be more like me taking everything he has which isn’t a whole lot and he would never be able to get on his feet again) and he really needs to be here for his kid. Does anyone here have experience with an open marriage? I would rather me be happy without him, and him without me, than for me to resent him and feel like I have wasted my life on him. I have already forgiven him for so many things in the past and feel like this is the last straw.
There is something he is having difficulty with, something he does not understand about himself, so he would not be able to relate it to you. You know even less in that you are measuring his responses by your own yardstick. It seems like he is willing to communicate but cashes out when he perceives you to be criticizing him. I would guess that this would happen often. Is he not able to organize himself? Can’t keep track of time? Seems forgetful? Looking outside of the relationship in any way will spell disaster on a level you could not even begin to imagine. Try to understand what is going on or get out completely.
I really appreciate your response basil. I’m fairly positive that he understands what he is doing because he is so good at it – and that’s manipulating any conversation or situation to suit his narrative. Avoiding consequences is more important to him than gaining back my trust. I criticize him a lot and I hate it. But I like honesty and consistency and he knows this. I don’t like white lies and half truths and the more I catch him engaging in those things, the more I seek them out in his behavior.
Thanks for the advice on the open marriage. I never imagined that I would be contemplating it but here I am asking about it in a forum. I just don’t know how to make myself want to have sex with someone who gets on my f’ing nerves so much. I feel like I’m married to a kid and he’s not trying to change. Anyway, thx again
My marriage is similar to yours. I work and am the bread winner we have been married for 21 years. Sex only occurs on holidays and birthdays. I am not terribly interested anyways. We live a perfunctory life where I say I love you but don’t feel it. He has not worked in 15 years and the kids are starting to leave the home. I look at him and think I can’t stay with him. I wrote down all the things that he has done in the recent past that has hurt me and gave it to him. He agreed to counseling and we are going to separate counselors. He says he will never give up on me and makes me feel like a quitter when I tell him I want out. He recently has changed so many behaviors to make me happy but I just resent him for it as he could have been doing this all along. I also don’t think he can last this way. He used to sleep most of the day and do minimal house work. He will do things for other people if it pays and then he keeps the money stating that he earned it. All of these things I have written down and given to him, and for 2 weeks he has changed all his behaviors. I just don’t feel that it is genuine and as soon as I forgive him and be more loving and open it will all go back to the way it has been. I am just so tired and want peace to be alone.
Been married over 20 years. The sex declined on his part as soon as we said ‘I Do’.
Two kids later and many years of feeling rejected and lonely by a man who clearly has anger issues and resentment from his upbringing. His dad was literally a nincompoop and his mother was apathetic who showed no feelings tiepwards her kids. They all have anger issues as a result. I’m so glad that both parents are dead. And he has aspergers. I’ve had enough! He gets angry over the smallest things. The kids don’t like being around him and neither do I. We decided to not take him on family vacations anymore because he always gets frustrated and mad about something. He’s completely detached from our family. Doesn’t engage with me or the kids. Thinks that he’s my farm hand when I mention leaving him. I didn’t marry a farm hand. I wanted a partner and a relationship.
Is it time? Yeah. I think so. My kids are adults now. I don’t have anything in common with him and nothing keeping us together.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years now been together for 8. We now have a 18 month old. We started rocky, he has a way of triggering me (I think unintentionally) by his mood and this attitude toward me sometimes like I don’t matter and it has been giving me anxiety just to come home and be around him sometimes. He’s the greatest dad, and I think my unhappiness is making me not the best most present mom I can be. And that breaks my heart everyday. I used to be a happy go lucky optomistic person, and I feel like in 8 years I have kind of just become the worst version of myself. I’ve selfishly thought about suicide, just to put an end to all of it. I wish my brain didn’t go to that place, I wish I could just snap out of it and feel differently in our marriage but I just keep feeling this way. I love his family and our daughter so much. I’m terrified of ruining her life because I saw my parents rip each other a part when they got a divorce. I wish I could just suck it up and find a way to be happy. I just can’t seem to and the resentment I feel toward him is mounting. It’s turning me into the worst person. Every time I open up to anyone they just tell me I just need to try harder. I feel so trapped. Not sure what to do, we’ve had the same fight makeup etc etc since day one. I love him so much too, I just don’t think we’re right for each other maybe?
What do you do when your husband watches porno more than having sex with you. Is it time for a divorce?
Hi, Yours is a complex problem that deserves the attention of a face to face counselor. You can get a referral from your insurance company or family doctor. Best Regards, Terry
For me, it’s just time. I have been a terrible husband. So i seeked redemption. I went to therapy. I read novels. I shown changed behavior and remorse. I talked with my pastor. I controlled my emotions and learned how to communicate better. Yet she still treats me with no love or respect. Seeks to harm me with retaliation. labeling me as hypersensitive. I understand that my soon-to-be ex-wife doesn’t owe me any forgiveness. But I don’t deserve to serve a life sentence for my actions as a toxic pendulum. I called an arbitrator and decided to complete this process. I’m moving out in a few months. It’s just time. Both of us needs to be happy. And it won’t happen if we stay together.
Informative post.
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Best,
Stuart Grozbean
Belli, Weil & Grozbean, P.C.
I have been married for 13 years and we have a 12 year old son. My husband is mentally.,verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I am the one who works and pays EVERYTHING!!!!! The only time he is nice to me is when he wants something. He is bi-polar and does drugs (heavy drugs). I have never cheated on him but he accuses me several times daily. I am so tired of the fights and arguments I don’t even enjoy his company or touch because he has been so mean for so long. What should I do??
nice article!!
Thanks For Sharing